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Original poster

So I'll ask you lot because why not ?

36 replies

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 01:51

Hi 👋🏼 I often read mumsnet but have never posted before. You all seem lovely so I thought I'd ask the mumsnet massive some advice on when you personally think it's about the right time to move in with DP.

To add some context , my partner and I are both 25 , been together just over 7 months , no children on the way although we have said we both want them one day (in a few years) , we have been on holiday twice together , met each others parents and spend weekends together and one night in the week. I have a flat and he lives with his mother and stepbrother so on the evenings we see one another , we will usually go on a date then he will sleep over at mine.

Appreciate that every relationship is different with all of their unique variables but some rational opinions would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 26/01/2018 01:53

Why don't you trial him sleeping over for a week, see how you get on with that?

LineyS · 26/01/2018 01:57

The things that usually go tits up under the big heading of incompatibility and fairness are: money coming in; bills; housework; mental load; getting enough sleep; tidiness; learned or affected helplessness; pregnancy.

How well do you really know him?

Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 01:59

We live about an hour and half away from each other and his family have a farm so he can't really stay at mine all week and do the drive every morning so that makes the trial suggestion a little difficult in practical terms.

We have discussed that when we do move in together we'd buy a house in between both of our families so that the travel is split equally but we haven't really discussed the when and I don't want to risk bringing it up too soon :)

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 02:03

I feel I know him pretty well , we've had a few challenges recently with a bereavement in his family that I supported him with and he was really so appreciative. We've also had other challenges which I feel we've worked through well.

I'm quite down to earth and feel that you never really know anyone fully as humans are constantly changing, I know I am but I'm happy to roll with it and take the chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 02:05

But don't won't to put it out there if 7 months is too soon to bring it up...part of me wants to then another part thinks wait until he suggests it

OP posts:
PancakeInMaBelly · 26/01/2018 02:15

You don't know how it'll be until you do it, so only do it if you can un-do it if it isn't what you hoped: i.e. enough money saved to move out again

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/01/2018 02:19

Does he do housework at yours? Have you had proper conversations about money?

Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 02:20

I was thinking of suggesting that we rent somewhere first... so the money thing would not be so much of an issue then (if it wasn't working out) but I guess what I'm really asking is when did you guys move in with your partners? Is 7 months too early ?

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 02:22

Yes mrsterry he does housework at mine we split the chores up and he's good with money , (as in he saves regularly and doesn't splurge on unnecessary items) . I'm good with money also.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 02:25

If we was to move in together we'd probablysplit the bills 50/50'as we pretty much do that now when it comes to dates and buying shopping in over the weekend etc xx

OP posts:
PancakeInMaBelly · 26/01/2018 02:25

I was thinking of suggesting that we rent somewhere first... so the money thing would not be so much of an issue then (if it wasn't working out)

So long as you have enough for a second deposit in your own savings incase renting with him doesn't work out

PancakeInMaBelly · 26/01/2018 02:26

But don't won't to put it out there if 7 months is too soon to bring it up..

If you can't discuss it you're not ready to do it

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/01/2018 02:27

Do you earn roughly the same?

Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 02:28

I have my own flat which is brought outright , I'd rent it off whilst I done the trial period so the money side of things really isn't an issue (thankfully) . Just having to decide on timing if when I ask about it or shall I just leave it to him to raise it .

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 02:29

Yes we earn roughly the same :)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/01/2018 02:30

I'm not asking to see if you can afford it but to see if you know how to have difficult conversations about money, have considered fairness and shared values and so on.

SomehowSomewhere1 · 26/01/2018 02:30

Dating is often more fun and exciting than living together, enjoy each stage. Is 7mths to soon - no, some start from the first date, others wait years. There’s no rule, but also no rush, go with the flow and when the time’s right it will happen.

Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 02:34

Thanks @Mrsterry I did see where you going with it, we've had discussions about money before and would have no issues with sharing bills, we're both quite practical so discussing money doesn't really strike me as awkward conversation and neither does it for him if that makes sense
and we're both fair in terms of equally splitting things

Thanks @somehow I know what you mean

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 02:39

I'm slightly old fashioned and part of me believes a man should want to demonstrate he is ready to take it to the next level , I don't want to be perceived as over eager as it is under a year.

OP posts:
cattycat83 · 26/01/2018 10:31

Hi, I'm in a similar boat..finding the seeing each other at weekends and 1 night a week hard as drive back late or he does..not ideal. No way of moving together unless he makes the moves so feel a bit in limbo.
Can you move nearer him and see how it goes? I know what you mean about not knowing someone 100% sometimes it's a gamble

gingina · 26/01/2018 10:50

In our case he moved in without it really being a discussion. Just woke up one day and realised we had been living together for ages. The only discussion was about which house to sell and which one to finally live in!!
If you are asking the question then you're not ready yet.
Enjoy dating and seeing the best of each other while you can - it's not so much fun when you see their dirty pants on the bathroom floor every day !!!!!

boringbertha · 26/01/2018 10:51

Seems a bit soon to me tbh, I'd leave it at least a year before thinking of moving in together. I was 'long' distance with my ExH for 2 years before we bought a house together. I would definately not be throwing my finances in with someone else at this early stage. Whilst its very easy to set up living together there are so many financial pitfalls if it doesn't work out.

SecretSantaaaaaa · 26/01/2018 12:04

Hi OP, you remind me a little of myself when I was your age.

I have moved in with several partner sover the years, ever keen to tie them down as early as possible Grin

Seriously though, I would wait a little longer. Don't rush into it. Living together is wonderful but it can also be hard.

Enjoy the fact that you miss him in the week and vice versa. Use the times you do spend together to have care free fun!

I would waste at least a year before bringing it up. Hopefully he isnt going anywhere.

SecretSantaaaaaa · 26/01/2018 12:04

*wait at least a year.

Sorry, cold hands

MrsDilber · 26/01/2018 12:29

Honestly, I think 7 months is too soon. I think you project your better self for a good year or eighteen months.

I don't think it's a given that your relationship will fail if you do move in together though.