Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How often do you have sex

36 replies

Somersetguy53 · 26/01/2018 01:41

I have been married for 30 years and have an amazing wife and five beautiful children the youngest is now 11 years old ! Our sex life was great up until about 6 years ago when she just kinda stopped wanting closeness and intimacy ? So we have gone from being very close and intimate and making love 3 to 5 times a week to nothing at all . I try my best to be romantic and help out at home and time for just the 2 of us together but we barely even kiss or cuddle even I'm a very physical person and it is very upsetting to feel like you are just not wanted or desired anymore

OP posts:
Poshindevon · 26/01/2018 05:15

I know this may sound simple but have you talked to your wife?
Has she been affected by the menopause in some way?

ThamesRiver · 26/01/2018 07:02

+1 for talking about it

If you can't, then you have much bigger problems to deal with

Lovesagin · 26/01/2018 07:09

5 kids? She's probably exhausted. My dp is lucky if I'm in the mood once a week. Could be hormonal, stress, mental load of 5 kids........talk to her.

Lovesagin · 26/01/2018 07:12

And is there a disconnect between what makes you feel wanted and desired Vs her? Ime men in general need sex to feel desired, that is all, whereas women need to feel appreciated to feel desired and in the right 'place' for sex. Just my observations generally I know namalt (thankfully)

TheNaze73 · 26/01/2018 07:20

Everybody is replaceable OP. Learn from it & see today as the start of the rest of your life

ColinFlower · 26/01/2018 07:25

I wouldn’t put focus on the sex right now, start smaller with the intimacy.

You need to start by talking with her.

Inchyragirl · 26/01/2018 07:27

What does that mean @thenaze73 ? That the OP should be led by his dick and up and leave his “amazing” wife and five kids in search of a little of what he fancies?
Don’t be so ridiculous! After 30 years and child rearing, this is an understandable phase and something that needs to be worked through. Her menopause is my best guess.

Rainboho · 26/01/2018 07:29

Or @thenaze73 could mean the wife is getting it elsewhere and the OP has been replaced....

Lovesagin · 26/01/2018 07:34

And the other thing op is does a kiss and a cuddle always have to lead to sex in your eyes? I had an ex who I couldn't out my arm around without him groping me and it always leading to more. Sometimes I did just want a kiss/cuddle, nothing more. It's draining when you get to the stage where a slight touch of the hand leads to winky sex eye and a tit grope.

Shoxfordian · 26/01/2018 07:37

Have you spoken to your wife about it? Maybe some counselling would help

Inchyragirl · 26/01/2018 07:39

Or thenaze73 could mean the wife is getting it elsewhere and the OP has been replaced....

Always possible I know, but I’d be looking for problems closer to home first, especially given her age and the five children.

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 26/01/2018 07:42

'Helping out at home'

Who are you helping? Do you see your home as your wife's responsibility? That is a passion killer for me right there.

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 26/01/2018 07:45

Also your title question is not relevant. Whether I'm celibate or rampantly horny will not alter your wife's libido, (unless I am her).

You better hope I'm not Grin

TheNaze73 · 26/01/2018 07:46

What I mean is, despite the history, Years together & the children, you can be cut, simple as that, as anyone has the right to end any relationship at any time

Wherearemymarbles · 26/01/2018 07:56

Poasibly menopause. She had 5 children 11 years ago sex stopped 6.

The only person who can advise you is your wife. There could be numerous different reasons which is all guess work from where I’m sitting so ask her.

Cricrichan · 26/01/2018 08:22

5 kids in the last 11 years. Yeah well, you don't need to be Sherlock to realise that she's probably shattered/touched out/ constantly busy etc. Give her a break and a chance to recharge her batteries. Allow her space to do stuff for herself - go away in a girls weekend, do a sport regularly etc make sure that you pull your weight with the kids and the house and start planning some couple time. Have fun together.

mindutopia · 26/01/2018 10:18

My husband and I have been together 10 years, with 1 school age child and a baby on the way. There is no sex at all at the moment because I'm pregnant (and we don't have sex when I'm pregnant because I've had some issues in my pregnancies that make it not very pleasant). In normal life when we don't have a small baby sleeping with us and aren't shattered, I would say probably 2-3 times a month. But we have easily gone 3-6 months at a time when things have been especially exhausting or stressful. I would definitely talk to your wife about how she's feeling and see how you can reconnect. I found having time alone to ourselves (like a night or a weekend away when we could both relax) helped a lot when things really needed rejuvenating. I second the suggestion that it could be physiological, like menopause, and she might need some medical support to feel like herself again.

yetmorecrap · 26/01/2018 11:02

I am not keen unless I’m on holiday, don’t ask me why, just me!!!

StopCallingMeShirley · 26/01/2018 11:15

5 kids in the last 11 years. Yeah well, you don't need to be Sherlock to realise that she's probably shattered/touched out/ constantly busy etc.

The youngest is 11. And the problem started 6 years ago, so when that child was 5. They have got through the sleepless nights, nappies and being constantly touches and are now onto tweens, teens and beyond.

I suspect that menopause is playing a big part of this, judging by the time you have been together.

Does your wife work? Does she have a 'self' outside of family, time for her?
People here will jump on you for saying you 'help out' but IMO, this depends on how your marriage is set up. If she is home full time with kids all secondary age and beyond, but you are out working, the division of labour is different to two working parents with younger kids at home in the day.

chrisstreet · 26/01/2018 11:15

So many standard mumsnet responses. Oh no a bloke has come on here, we hate men, it must be your fault you bastardo Hmm

Communication is the key OP, it may be difficult and uncomfortable but raised in the right way can be positive and empowering. Don’t listen to all of the dross above, generally they hate men here

Purplerain101 · 26/01/2018 11:20

Could she be feeling stressed about something in her personal life? Or maybe she doesn’t feel attractive anymore? I remember my mum saying when she got close to menopause her sex drive disappeared - I’m sure it’s not like that for all women but maybe they could be the reason?
You need to ask her and make it clear that it’s worrying you. If she loves you then she will reassure you and explain how she’s feeling so you can support her further.
As for the original question - we have sex from anywhere between every day to twice a month. It depends how busy we are

Lovesagin · 26/01/2018 11:26

Responses to op : talk to her, there could be a reason
Chris: talk to her op, don't listen to the other posts saying talk to her

Confused
Marvellousmarge · 26/01/2018 11:28

Loads of kids here and menopausal.

At it like rabbits.

Talith · 26/01/2018 11:31

I've said it before but I believe sexual relationships can run their course. It's this huge taboo to say it - but people do just go off each other in this way after years and years together. Doesn't mean you can't be close and good friends and great parents. Whether you unload the dishwasher, or rub her feet or go on a date night or investigate menopause or depression... all irrelevant if she's just gone off you sexually.

The answer? That's the hard part, especially when children are involved. I'm in the process of divorcing after years of crap sex. My XH is a decent man but I just couldn't bring myself to have sex any more, the spark had totally gone after 20 years. He deserved better. I deserved better. There were other factors too but it was a large part of our incompatibility.

As a result both he and I are with new partners and are much happier as a result. For some people the sexual side of a relationship isn't important. For others it is. Life is long. I don't mean to be blunt but it seems to me that we go looking for all these elaborate reasons when the obvious one is that for SOME of us, we can just get bored of shagging the same person for decade on decade.

Yes I am jaded and probably not the best person to opine.

Marvellousmarge · 26/01/2018 13:38

Could have written that myself, Talith.

My partner and I are connected sexually as well as in all other ways so much more than we had been in our marriages.