To wish I'd settled?

[dancingqueen345]

I broke up with my 3 year partner recently, well 4 months ago now, just after we'd bought a house and started thinking about marriage and children. I really did love him but something just wasn't right (I've posted about this previously) and I knew in my heart of hearts I was settling. I've been told countless times since how brave I am and how happy I'll be in the future having made this decision, but right now I'm just not seeing it.

I'm having a shocking week at work and all I want to do is go home to him, know he'd pour me a glass of wine and sort tea out and listen to me moan.

It just feels like by not settling, by being so 'brave', I'm just making my life harder.

Sorry, this is such a self pity post but I do just feel like maybe the answer isn't always 'don't settle', maybe sometimes it's okay to settle.

I settled and am now getting divorced. I don’t totally regret it as I have two gorgeous children. However, I felt unhappy and trapped for the last few years of my marriage which resulted in me having a monumental breakdown last year. I do sometimes miss him not being there to comfort me and hand me a wine when I’m feeling down. And I do miss doing family things. But, I really don’t miss him on a day to day basis.

I think you’ll look back and feel you did the right thing x

I settled and am stuck in a crap marriage. Hoping to separate this year. Don't ever settle or you will be miserable

I didn’t settle and have been single for nearly eight years. It’s awfully lonely and sometimes it’s crap, but at the same time, no-one gets to let me down or hurt me.
Think of what you’d like a partner to do for you and do it for yourself: pour a glass of wine, run a bath, order a takeaway. And call a friend for support if you can

I think it's a lot more lonely when you're not with the right person .

I think that settling is a very good thing to do if you are unlikely to get what you want (for example because you are too busy to start a new relationship, you want to have children soon or, you have reached an age when most men are already married off). If you think that by settling you would have cheated yourself if a happier life then it is good that you didn't and you need to have confidence in your decision-this is just a wobbly.

I settled. It was a mistake.

It's hard now but long term it will be better. Promise.

With settling the question is when things will break down not if.

So you did right to end it now.

I settled too. Now I'm trapped and can't afford to get out. I'm really unhappy. You probably miss the comfort but overall if you didn't truly love him you did the right thing.

Four months is no time at all OP, it’s normal to want to go back to something comfortable and familiar when you’re having a bad time.

I agree with settling to a degree, but depends at what stage of life you’re at, and you’re nowhere near that stage yet!

The shocking week will pass, the spring will be here soon, and life will not look so bleak. So trust your gut and don’t settle.

Eggs - settling is never the right thing to do and massively unfair on the other person. You are doing the right thing op, stay true to yourself and you won't go wrong.

Settling isn't always bad. If one/both of you have jobs you only really spend evenings and weekends with your partner, and as you get older a lot of that time will be taken up with childcare, chores, DIY, watching tv, etc. You don't need romantic fireworks. What you need is someone who'll watch the baby for an hour while you have a bath, or take care of you if you become ill.

Check out this article about settling: www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/306651/

Settling isn’t the best idea but as lots of marriages end in divorce there is no guarantee that the right person is ever going to be the lifelong partner you dream of!

Even most passionate relationships turn into something less frantic over time!

Sometimes it is OK to settle.

How old are you OP?

Your gut wasn't happy when life was going well. It's only natural to seek comfort in the familiar when life is difficult. But.. talk to a friend, drink some wine, eat some chocolate and wait out the storm. Soon enough life will be on the up and you won't need to settle.

My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics

Right, aye.

Old fucking cliche OP. But the key is time. I also had all these feelings after a7 year relationship. But nearly 4 years on im doing great! 4 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. You don't just wake up one day feeling better. It's more hindsight, you wake up and realise day to day that actually you are feeling ok, happy in yourself, looking forward to the future. It doesn't happen overnight! But it will happen! And you (like I) will be so very proud of yourself for not settling, and not getting yourself into something that doesn't make you happy

What was it that was missing for you, have you felt what you want to feel with another man ever or is it a feeling you want but have never had and are a bit unsure of.

Thanks so much all. Just needed to vent really. I'm definitely going to stand firm on my decision, I just wish I had some reassurance from future me!!

I'm 28 for the poster who asked.

You'll be fine. Play fair on the property sale and the stuff, and you'll both move on.

Never settle.I did and was in a shitty marriage for 8 yrs

28 is too young to settle.

Kind of wish I was 28 again. It’s a different ballgame at 42.

You need emotional suppprt, which means you need to work on your platonic friendships or even finding a therapist or a spiritual group might be easier?

You don’t need to trade romantic and sexual access just for someone to be nice to you.

talking yourself into having to get with someone romantically just for support is never good!

There is a lot of talk designed to frighten women (often from older women who are unhappy with their own choices or men who are unattractive and want to shame and frighten women into “settling for them”)

It’s not like you’re holding out for Harry and Wills - more “someone you’re physically attracted to who isn’t a weirdo”

Most Often the men single women are urged to “settle” for are not the ones other women want - they’ll have odd mannerisms and be intense and needy.

What I think you end up with are all these sexless marriages where women have to get drunk to sleep with their husband, flirt with other men, invest all their time in the children, hate spending 1-1 time with their weird whiny husbands, and end up causing mischief and wanting to control other women because they have no peace with their own choices.

Sure relationships grow and change and feelings can develop over time.

But if you’re looking at someone and thinking “no” then all the “nice supportive behaviour” in the world isn’t going to change that.

I didnt settle. Im single, free and loving it. You never know whats round the corner

I settled
And then I got to the point where I thought No. So I ended it.
2 years later I am with DP.
Who is the only man on earth that I would both kill and die to protect.

My worst nightmare is being moved back in time and yet keeping my memories and having to go through a Ground Hog Year desperately trying to do everything the same to get back to DP.

Then I wake up and breathe a sigh of relief that I had the guts to say "No I'm worth more than this. I matter"