Envying other people’s seemingly perfect lives

[ConfusedWife1234]

There is a number of things I hate about my life and unfortunately if I often find myself thinking how other people have a better life than me than actively working in improving mine/coping with those things.

What are those things? First if all I do thing I am ugly. I am skinny with reddish hair (I color it brown) and freckles. I noticed a lot of people can wear unconventional clothing and it looks great on them, but that is not true for me. So I am sticking to clothes I actually hate because they are the only things that do not look odd on me. I often find myself envying women who have a more female body and can wear everything and people who have better skin than me.

Second my husband has mental health issues. So I often envy people whose husband does not have mental health issues. Actually I do not even know if their husband has mental health issues... they do not know mine has... but I think that their does not... and start envying him.

Third one of my boys whom I love to pieces is really a tomboy and talks back to his kindergarten teacher, climbs everything. I worry how he will do in school. Again I envy people who have only quiet children.

And so on...

So I basically often feel that everybody has a better life than me though I KNOW that this is not true. How can I snatch out of it?

Seeing a counsellor might be a good start. I think you have deeper issues.

Why do you think so?

Look at the positives. You have a husband You have children so many people will look at you enviously just for that

I promise no one has a perfect life we all have our issues
Btw I’d love your hair colour - I got a horrid brown mop

And also where are these quiet children? I’ve not met any yet !!

There's no 'snapping out' of this. I'm no stranger to the green eyed monster myself. It doesn't make by feel great about yourself, but it's not something you can just think yourself out of.

I totally agree with Sandy that counselling us the way forward for you. Counselling helps you to understand why you feel the way you do, and helps you get to know yourself much better. You can't flick a switch to make yourself stop feeling the way you do, it takes time and having a trained professional guide you through it is invaluable. I was in therapy for 7 years and it was the best thing I ever did for myself

I don't know. Some of this you can tackle, feeling ugly, for instance, with cbt or other self helped tools, can change your perspective on that.

Your son may need a different approach to improve his behaviour or you might just need to ride it out. Presumably the nursery teachers address the behaviour at the time?

Anyway, your dh's mental health, that's not something you can fix. And I think this must be the biggest weight of these problems. Is your DH doing anything to improve his mental health?

Op, I have red hair and freckles and can assure you I've never been called ugly, in fact I get complimented in my colouring.

I love red hair, stop dyeing your hair and embrace the true you.

Stop wearing clothes you hate as life is too short and clothing you really love contributes to wellbeing.

Stop comparing your kids and your husband to everyone else and be grateful for what you have. Some people have kids but no partner others have partner but no kids.

In all stop comparing the surface of your life with surface of other people’s. It’s meaningless and is simply making you unhappy.

I have all of those things but I have other problems. I think that you need to stop thinking so much about what other people have-they will always have something better, easier, more. You need to learn to value the things that you have.

It is a self esteem issue. As others have said, maybe some counselling would help. Everybody has their own issues no matter how perfect their lives look from the outside. All you can do is try be happy with your lot- you are only in competition with yourself, nobody else. I guarantee there will be lots of people out there who would look at your life and be envious.

So sorry if I made it look as if I though red hair was unattractive per se. I just think that it the case for me... or maybe I just have not found out yet how to make the most of how I look.
I feel that my colors do not allow me to wear bright colors or black.
Instead I stick to pastells and browns cause I have been told they look great on me. Unfortunately I do not have good skin. I have yet to find a make up that is right for so that I often avoid wearing make up at all. I have milky skin and have yet to find a make up that does not look unnatural. In addition I often have red spots (not a rash). I have also yet to find the kind of trousers that look good on me so I often stick to dresses and skirts (again because I have been told it looks good). But I am not so happy with it and often envy people who can wear everything.

Yes, my husband is seeing a therapist. He has PTSD is actually getting better but actually my dh spends a lot of time complaining because he is unhappy with his life. I fear it might be a bit Infectious.

The kindergarten teacher addresses his behaviour. Yes, of course. Actually hubby was a bit of a tomboy and I was a bit of a tomgirl and we get along with him well. He also acts out more when he is around some of the other boys in kindergarten cause everyone of them wants to be the toughest. It‘s a bit like a competition. Hubby always used to talk back on his teachers back in school, did not want to stay seated and so on. He did not have an easy time in school. Later he had a good career but back in school he used to think he was stupid and a misfit and I do not want this to happen to my son.

Exactly what exonheads says. I need to value the things I have more, but I often get back to thinking negative.
My dh has a very negative thinking style too and actually being with him makes me feel all negative about myself. Not his fault, he is a nice guy, never puts me down but he is so negative about everything.

OP, i wasnt calling you out on gingerism or whatever....im trying to say that its all in the interpretation. For example, you complain about your children, but I would love to have outgoing kids - I have the sort who will refuse to reply to adults or get fully engaged in social situations and i find it upsetting. We are getting them assessed for autism at the moment and i'd love not to have to worry about them.

For the physical stuff, i suggest you head over to style n beauty for advice, or even better if you have the cash go and get your colours done - sounds so old fashioned but it took years off me.

Gingerism lol. Love the word.
Sorry to hear about your kid. What do you mean by get my colors done? Seek professional style advice which colors are right for me? I have been thinking about this.

Could you work together with your dh to try to minimise your negativity and increase positivity?
Do positive thinking exercises together and remind each other if one of you starts being negative.

Getting out a lot, achieving your goals, spending time doing things as a family, socialising with friends, eating well and spending time to do the things you love can help help.

Ah, there is one of the problems. He has problems with going out because of his PTSD. We do not go out/socialize as much as I wish too (or he would if he was healthy) . BIG problem.

Actually he became a bit addicted to watch TV and I hate how we often only watch TV when the kids are asleep.

But we also have a gym room and I started working out with him which is fun and we started cooking together. So we already changed some things in our lives for the better.

Comparisons are odious

Peoples lives are never, ever what they seem

I’ve never met anyone who’s life I’d want

Concentrate on making the very best of what you have, it sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for

Hi OP. You have raised lots of issues and some of those are very complex and of course there are no quick fixes. But regarding how you feel about your appearance you can turn that around. I absolutely second what another poster said about getting your colours done. Google House of Colour and Colour me Beautiful. I have similar coloring and look appalling in black and bright colours. But since having my colours done I now have a huge palette of colours that look awesome on me - gold, rust, teal, forest green... anything but dull. I wasn't sure at first but now I love my "new colours". Take a look at the Style & Beauty board on here too, there are lots of lovely and very knowledgeable ladies on there.

Nobody has a perfect life. To be alive involves some suffering.

But in life you get more of whatever you focus on. So a really good way of feeling more positive, ( and getting more positive stuff coming your way), is to write a gratitude diary. Every night write down 10 things you are grateful for, and 3 things you want to let go of.

Thanks! This diary sounds like a great idea!!!
Yeah, I think I am really thinking of getting my colors done. Your experience sounds great. I also asked at the Style&Beauty board.

Bless you op. There is nothing wrong with a red head . I'm sure there are mums on here that will support me in my comment to encourage you.
I would also encourage you to speak with your gp about counselling or cbt, so you can have an outlet whilst you support your dh.? It sounds like you definitely need a break.

I have brown hair. I used to dye it strawberry blonde (ie, more red). Some people with "more female" bodies than yours (whatever that means) probably wish they had bodies more like yours. My point here is that it seems to be human nature to want what you don't have.

Having a partner with mental illness, on the other hand, does objectively suck. It's normal (though not productive) to envy people who don't have to deal with that.

Taffeta is so right. No ones's life is as it appears. I have a friend whom many people envy - she is absolutely beautiful, with the most fun personality, her own house and gorgeous children. But OP she has been through so much tragedy and heartache that only a few people know about.

I remember Oprah Winfrey said once that everybody struggles. Even her who seems to have it all. I really believe this is true.

I often feel like that too. Tbh I think I got it from my mum cos she's always been a bit like that too - comparing with others (she used to lie about my qualifications so people would think better of us!)

Most things can be interpreted as positive or negative (noisy kids = confident kids or a handful, quiet kids = well behaved or anxious).

Also, no matter how great people's lives look from the outside it can actually be very different living it. Everyone thought I had a great marriage but it was actually making me desperately unhappy and leaving is the best thing I've done.

It's really hard to get used to thinking about things differently but it really does make a big difference just thinking more positively. I find I fall back into the negativity just before my period - but even with that, I've learned to accept it's hormones and temporary and to just take a day or two to feel a bit crap then get back into being positive.

lol Our parents were/are oldfashioned and expected a lot of us when we were kids. I am actually not sure if this caused it.

When talking about women with more female bodies I ment those who have wide hips and big boobs. I am pretty flatchested and do not have a female shape.

Hi Op, I don’t know if this will help but it helped me, certainly with what I see on social media

Don’t compare other peoples filtered lives with your own unfiltered reality

People will post what an amazing life they have but not the day to day mundane living. When I started thinking like that I found it really changed the way I thought about things.