How do I stop triggering my partner?

[sorrymess]

My partner has been suffering from symptoms of PTSD since soon after the birth of our child, several months ago. The trauma stems from loss of control during and following a complicated pregnancy and birth, coupled with being dependent on people (i.e. me) who did not provide adequate care, protection and concern during these times. The full story is more complex, of course, and involves more players (e.g. midwives, doctors, my mother), but those are the broad strokes.

When my partner is triggered, and flips into an episode, she goes through hell. She is consumed with anger and despair, cannot eat properly, cannot sleep properly, and cannot control her feelings. These episodes can last a few days. They are horrible to watch, and I desperately want to avoid pushing her into one.

The trouble is, I keep doing it. She has several different triggers, mostly originating from the time following the birth while she was extremely unwell. Examples of triggers include startling her while she's asleep, or taking the baby from her without asking. She tells me that she's more likely to "flip" if I'm rude or unpleasant after triggering her. But although she's told me about these triggers multiple times, I find myself pulling them over and over again. And if she berates me for triggering her I often lose patience and snap at her, which seems to make things much worse.

The costs of doing this are so incredibly high, and the sitaution is completely unsustainable as it stands. She's told me that living with me is torture, and that as soon as she is physically well enough she wants to leave. I want to stop making her feel this way, and of course I worry about the effect on our child. What can I do? Has anyone else been through something like this? Did anything help?

For the record, she is taking an SSRI at the moment (one that had worked for a previous bout of depression) but it doesn't seems to help at all with these episodes. She is reluctant to see a counsellor as medical settings are something she now finds triggering, plus the counsellor would be from the same trust that botched her pregnancy.

I don’t know what your finances are like but maybe a private counseller might help. They are in non medical settings so it wouldn’t be triggering.

Me and my husband had some issues when I was 37wks pregnant and we had couples therapy and some individual privately , it was £45 an hour and was in a house which was very discreet and relaxing , not a hint of hospital to be seen!

I hope you get it sorted, it sounds like you are doing a great job in supporting her, even to be posting on here for advice shows that.

Good luck

Your partner has birth trauma and anti-depressants can make it worse rather than better as can the wrong counselling. She needs specialised therapy for PTSD like EMDR. Please get her the help she needs. She needs to ask for a referral to a specialist perinatal health expert.

Why would you startle her in her sleep?
If you aren't doing it on purpose and it's that you wake suddenly, do you have a spare room?
If you do then move into that for the foreseeable future to give her some space alone in bed where she won't be triggered and she can feel safe.
STOP TAKING THE BABY OFF OF HER!
This one is simple. Stop doing it. Why would you take a baby from the mother without her wanting to hand over the baby?
That is cruel!!!

She absolutely has to have counselling.
Please get her to the GP and see if you can find a counsellor that does on-line/skype calls or someone who can travel to your home.

How long has she been on SSRi?
If it's more than 8 weeks and there is no improvement then you need to get her back to the GP to change meds.

BE KIND - THINK BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING.
SHE NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT RIGHT NOW AND YOU NEED TO DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO MAKE HER LIFE EASIER AND MORE BEARABLE!!!

Contact maudsley specialist ptsd centre for advice.
Go to see someone ypurself.
She don't get better without help.
You might need to insist or book private therapist.

Some things you wont be able to avoid. You won't be able to carry on either of you without help. Get help for your child s sake

Nobody will be on your side here as you're (possibly) a male.

Everyone telling OP "get her to the GP" "get her some help" aye very good how is he supposed to go about doing that if every time he moves she's triggered?

OP, stop taking the baby off her (if you do). That one is easy. Why are you startling her in her sleep? Is she a light sleeper? Think about moving to another bed/the sofa if she's having episodes because you nudged her or moved.

I can empathise with the fact you keep making the same mistakes, when you've not been through something like child birth/PTSD it's hard to sympathise with someone who seems to flip out at every single little thing. It's hard to wrap your head around it if you're not prone to that kind of mental illness. It comes across as cold and callous but it's just a lack of being able to understand why someone is so fragile.

If she won't accept your suggestions at therapy/if you can't afford private therapy then unless she decides therapy is more important than this constant flipping out/having episodes (which will in the long run damage your kid) you're kind of stuck up shit creek without a paddle.

I imagine this is a tough situation to be in and if I was You, hearing het say she'll leave when she has the strength... I wouldn't feel very emotionally connected to her.

Stop and think before you do things with her and the baby. If she's holding the baby... ask before you just take him/her off your partner.

I would focus on coparenting, as she clearly has a lot of resentment st the moment.

Perhaps you can also read some parenting books and step up in that front.

Do you bath the baby? Feed? Change nappies? Is she resting enough?

Birth Trauma Association Facebook page is great for your partner.

Whilst I am sympathetic to the tense times after a baby arrives, particularly in stressful circumstances, you do have to take responsiblity for your manner with your partner. You know what you're doing that triggers/upsets her so why not just bite your tongue and try to keep things calm for her and the baby? You know what the outcome will be if you are rude and unpleasant. Are you struggling yourself with the trauma of the birth or have you always interacted with each other in quite a 'short' way?

Firstly, my sympathies, this must be so hard for you.
I'm sure you're not doing any of these things intentionally! I've had severe OCD for 23 years, and my dad still does things that seem normal to other people that set me off massively, because he just has a lapse of trying to think in my mindset and does something how he/a typical person would do it. Try not to beat yourself up about it, that won't help anything.

The fact is she needs to get help, as much for your sake and the babys sake as her own.

The baby is as much yours as hers, you should be allowed to pick your own baby up or have equal time to hold/play etc. Do you have an example of a situation of her being triggered by you "taking the baby off her?" It's coming across as you physically taking the baby out of her arms without warning, which i'm thinking probably isn't what is actually happening, but maybe more if she's fallen asleep and baby is on her and you're picking baby up to keep them safe/put them in crib/just have a hold yourself?

And, as much as i may get flamed for saying this, she is being emotionally abusive to you too by berating you if you accidentally trigger her. Yes, i understand what it is like to be triggered, but it isn't a free pass to scream and shout and be mean or abusive and it is understandable that you would react by being hostile to being treated like that. What happened to her is tragic, but it wasn't YOUR fault, and you're NOT triggering her on purpose. Her saying as soon as she's well enough she's leaving you, is down right HORRIBLE. How shit is that going to make you feel, she's basically saying she doesn't want to be with you and it is only circumstance she's there. No doubt she would want to take the baby away from YOU when she leaves too, which is hypocritical and hurtful.

She needs help, and it's pretty selfish (although of course i sympathise and understand her fears) of her not to get it. I can't go out to appointments so i have a psychotherapist who comes out to my home, i don't know if that is possible where you live, but it is worth asking if it is at least an option.

Thanks for all the replies. I really do appreciate the concern expressed, both for my partner and myself. Also, apologies for being slow with a follow-up.

I'll try to clarify a bit. I'm really not trying to trigger her. I try to avoid doing so, but I keep doing it anyway. What I'm asking for are strategies to mitigate this is as much as possible (e.g. mindframes to adopt, things to say after it's happened to defuse the situation, anything really).

I'll give an example. One of her triggers is when I walk into the side of the bed. This stems from the early days post pregnancy when her episotomy scar was new (and newly infected), and me jostling the bed caused her a lot of pain. This is primarily what I mean by startling her when she's sleeping. I do try to avoid doing this, but often I'm walking around the bed in the near dark, while exhausted, and accidents happen.

Most recently, I went to pick up the crying baby in the morning, being careful to avoid the bed, but as I was turning away from the crib I thumped up against my partner's foot, which was dangling off the side. In retrospect, I should have immediately apologized and taken responsibility. I didn't though. Instead I thought, 'maybe I can get off the hook if I argue that it was actually her fault, and not mine'. So I told her that I hit her foot because it was dangling off the bed. This didn't really have the effect I was after, and she's been flipped ever since.

I should also clarify, I'm not usually in the habit of snatching the baby out of her arms. This happened once, early on, in the middle of an argument. Ever since then it has been a trigger, and can be activated if I walk away with the baby without saying where I'm going.

There's really a lot to this story and it would take far too long to tell the whole thing, but I just wanted to say that I'm not really looking for sympathy (kind as it is), or for anyone to take my side. My partner is ill, and I am far from blameless. I was a poor advocate for her during the birth, and there were a lot of complications that followed on from that. I also have a quick temper, and not a huge amount of patience. I just want to know how I can do better.

One of the things mentioned in one of the replies was that it can be very difficult to put yourself in the mindset of the traumatised person, or to keep yourself there. I think that really hits the nail on the head. There are a lot of triggers to pull, and it's hard to remain aware of them at all times, but that's what I need to do.

Please don't blame yourself over the birth - you trusted in medical professionals - that's a rational thing to do. It sounds as though she's triggered by variations of things so I don't think you should blame yourself for that either. You are human, not a robot.
I really do think EMDR can be helpful for trauma and has a much quicker effect than counselling. You might need similar too.
Be kind to yourself

Do you think you need counselling? It sounds like you have pretty strong feelings of guilt.

It also seems very unusual to be walking into the bed numerous times. I can’t remeber the last time I did that - it’s a very occasional occurrence surely.

I think you need to talk to someone.

Hi there OP. I'm out of the other side of PTSD. I found that I could be triggered by all sorts of things. Some were predictable, like my children shouting, but others would trigger me one day, then not another.

Like your partner, I would try to control the people around me and my environment in the hope that I wouldn't be triggered. This didn't work. I was a terrifying nightmare to live with, we all suffered. My partner coped by ignoring what was going on and staying away as much as possible. We broke up a year after diagnosis.

I would have one good, normal day, out of every 9 or 10 days, the rest of the time I was in hell, scared of everything, jumping out of my skin, planning to kill myself to stop the pain. The problem was that on my one good day I'd think I was back to normal and didn't need help, of course it didn't last.

Your partner needs help from someone who knows what they're talking about. You can support her, love her, but honestly, you can't be walking on eggshells, being scared to upset her all of the time. She will blame you for upsetting her, but I think it's important for you to really understand that it's not your fault. It's not hers either, it's really shit and I'm sorry you're both going through this.

There's no way that you can predict when your partner will be triggered and what by, that's out of your control as it's going on in your partner's mind.

Knocking her foot by accident, that's really not a big deal normally. It's a big deal to her because she's thinking that you caused her to feel a certain way, you weren't to know that would happen.

In your situation, I'd seek support for myself. You need to be strong and much of this is out of both of your control. It might sound daft, but once you realise that this is hers, and that you're not responsible for keeping her calm, you'll be able to help her more. I don't mean that you could just do what you wanted and sod the consequences. As with anyone who is suffering, we do what we can to ease their pain, but it is her pain. You can only do so much. Ultimately, she really does need to seek help for herself. Until she gets to that point, please get whatever support you need.

My little boy is 3 years old and it’s only in the past few months that I can look back to his first year and realise that I had PTSD after his birth too. I recognise myself in your first paragraph a lot and whilst I did not react quite so severely as your partner, there are some similarities that I can relate to. I am married and for a long while my poor DH was walking on eggshells. I needed to be in control of EVERYTHING otherwise I became an emotional mess. It’s a very difficult situation for both you and your partner, I feel for you both as it’s a sad situation to be in. Some things that helped me and DH get through this time:

1. A trusted therapist. I went to see someone weekly (privately), I also had phone contact with her in between for when I felt really awful. I cannot recommend this highly enough. I found mine via this website: www.bacp.co.uk

2. Breaks away from the baby during the week and the weekend. My DH looked after the baby for most Saturdays on his own which enabled me to meet up with close friends who I could talk to, cry with, get moral support from. DH also would work from home one day a week so I had company. That helped a lot as I felt so very responsible for the baby when on my own which added to my need to control everything. With DH there I felt a lot safer. I remember making vast lists for DH that he had to follow to the latter. He did so and that helped me get out of the door. Perhaps suggest to your partner that she builds up the time away from the baby in small increments. A day at a time will feel far too much initially.

3. Sleep- DH did some night feeds and early mornings with the baby to give me lie ins. I also slept when the baby napped although this was very fretful at times as I was so anxious he would wake up. I’m sure the lack of sleep that comes with a young child plays a huge part in these situations.

4. open communication and support from you- it sounds like you are Being very supportive already. Keep talkIng, asking her what you can do to help, making suggestions that might help etc..It’s hard but don’t take her replies to heart, she’s hurting badly and this is the way at the moment she is expressing herself. I know at times I was vile to my DH and I regret my behaviour a lot. I can also see that I was ill and needed time, patience (please don’t ‘bite’ back at your partner, it will make her feel even more alone in this situation) and a lot of support to get me through the other side.

5. get some support yourself- you can’t shoulder all of this. Do you have friends/ family that can give you some release from these pressures? likewise can your partner talk to her family about things?

This situation is not an easy fix as there is likely to be some past issues of control that your partner will also need to face and that can be very upsetting as the trauma is relived. However, it’s not unfixable by any means but in my experience can only be done in a therapeutic setting. I would say that for me the ‘fog’ lifted at about 18 months. I still get upset when I think of my son’s birth ( I think I always will) but I have accepted it and I no longer need to control everything. I’m expecting a second baby and can categorically say that none of this would have been possible without the healing with my therapist and the support from my DH. I wish you well and hope things turn a corner for you and your partner very soon.

"Episodes". What a curious term to use.

OP, what are you hoping to get out of this? You seem to know exactly what behaviour of yours is affecting your partner's health and wellbeing, yet you continue those behaviours. I would suggest that, first, you stop doing the things that cause your newly postpartum partner physical pain and distress.

You mentioned your mother as one of the antagonists of your partner's birth experience. What did your mother do?

I really appreciate all the replies, especially those from itsthequietones and Chocness. I've found them to be extremely useful. Knowing how difficult it is to avoid these situations completely, and being better able to put myself in her shoes has helped me keep more calm and interact with her more helpfully. Thank you so much.

KateSheppard, how curious that you find the usage of 'episodes' so curious; I believe it is completely standard. I don't want to go into detail about my mother, but essentially she visited shortly after the birth, and my partner felt the presence of this relative stranger to be more intrusive than helpful. I really should have anticipated this and asked my mother to schedule her visit later on, but I did not and now have to deal with a fractured relationship between them.

Go to get help with your anger, your impatience and your irritability. WHY would you bang into her foot in the night and then decide to argue the toss over whose fault it was??!

What was your DP like before the birth?

I'm surprised at the sympathy you're getting. It sounds like you really let your partner down, like you are very rude and impatient with her, like you didn't listen to her when she asked for your mother not to come and like you, at some point, took the baby from her without asking (why did you do that?) and that you for some reason keep bumping into her and instead of being a grown up you decide to argue with her. You sound horrible tbh.

OP, the man haters are here to label you an abuser. Ignore them. You've done nothing wrong. If you have to walk around a bed in the dark, you bump into it. It's not some conspiracy.

Try to get your wife help. The sooner the better because it will take time for her to recover.

holdon - have you read what the OP wrote? That he snatched the baby out of his ill wife's arms during an argument? That he is rude and unpleasant after triggering his partner? That rather than saying sorry after bumping into her, he started arguing with her? That his wife didn't want his mother around but he did nothing about that and made the situation worse?

Dear OP, it's really, really good that you are being honest to yourself and seeking help and advice in what must a very difficult situation. None of us are perfect! I suggest you talk to the health visitor and your GP. You both need support now, this is not something you can handle on your own. Make the most of help from your family and friends, you both need breaks from each other and looking after the baby.

Having your first child is such a shock to the system and most people will make mistakes as we have no experience to draw on. It sounds like you are very working hard to fit into your new role as a father and a husband to a mother.

I really haven't included enough detail here for you to decide whether I'm horrible or not. Context is important. For instance, the reason I took the baby away from my partner in the initial event was that she was yelling loudly at me and wouldn't stop, and I was concerned that the baby would find this distressing. And I didn't wrestle the baby out of her arms; the baby was either lying in the bed next to her or in the crib nearby (can't remember which). Even that level of detail is not sufficient to make any judgements. There's a reason my partner was yelling at me after all.

Whether I'm horrible or not is perhaps beside the point. I want my partner, our child, and myself to be happy and I'm seeking advice to make that happen.

It's not really beside the point. You state that she feels that living with you is torture. You're rude to her at the very least. Have you considered that you might be a large factor in how bad she feels?

I mean, it's not very hard to stop being rude to someone you're supposed to love, is it?