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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Handhold pls to get through my mum's visit (endless monologues)

40 replies

arousingcheer · 25/01/2018 11:09

My dm is visiting and driving me batty. Even if there is no hope of making a lasting change in her behaviour (she's in her mid-70s) I really need a strategy for her monologues. I'm sure she wonders why I look flustered and cross all the time. It's especially awkward when dh is here as I don't want her to feel like I'm chastising/correcting her in front of him. She has always been a talker but it's like she no longer knows how to have a conversation.

Last night dh came home from work at 9pm. Dm went to bed at 10:30. In that 90mins we were barely able to get a word in. Her story about meeting her friends for lunch devolved into a monologue about loads of people dh and I have never met/will never meet and included diversions into other ready-made monologues I've heard a thousand times.

In most ways she is a sweet and good person and we have always been close (single parent/only child). She has masses of friends who love her, she has hobbies, she drives etc (so she doesn't spend all her time sitting in her house alone with no one to chat to iyswim). If you met her you would think she was charming and sweet, a bit scatty. She's had a couple of health crises in the last few years incl a mild stroke which has left no discernable deficits (by which I mean this behaviour predates the stroke).

Anyone have any suggestions about how to gently move the conversation along?

Tbh this visit has been very hard for lots of reasons (her behaviour is becoming more unreasonable in various ways, the visit is too long etc). I want to enjoy our time together, not feel cross all the time.

OP posts:
Faking · 25/01/2018 11:32

Does she interrupt you, when you try to speak?

ChooChooLaverne · 25/01/2018 11:36

Oh God I hear you. My DM is the same. I am quite blunt with her sometimes though which probably isn't the best answer!

Can you make a gentle joke about how much she talks? Can you tell her you just need a bit of peace and quiet and get her to watch a TV programme for a while?

Do you think there could be a bit of dementia affecting her too?

MerryMarigold · 25/01/2018 11:38

Can't you just switch off and do the hmms and yes whilst thinking about other stuff? This is what I do whilst ds talks about minecraft/ cars which he can do for a very long time and which I have zero interest in.

Appuskidu · 25/01/2018 11:47

My MIL does exactly this-especially the pre prepared monologues we have all heard 1000 times!

If one of my kids (her beloved gc) tries to join in with a conversation, she stops mid flow, lets them speak, totally fails to acknowledge what they’ve said and carries on with the lengthy story she’s told us all before (...now, where was I...)!

It makes me so cross-does she not give a shit about what they have to say? She always tells me how lovely it is that my kids don’t interrupt whereas other people’s do and it’s really rude but actually-I think that she is the rude one and why the tell should we have to to sit through her dreadful repeated monologues. I sometimes feel like she doesn’t know us at all.

What’s worse is that she bitches about other people who talk about themselves all day (so she presumably can’t get a word in edgeways!) and how self-unaware they are!!

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 25/01/2018 11:53

MIL is like this. Same story repeated, over and over again. Even if you stop her repeatedly and say, "I know, you said already" We just get out phones, read books - can't watch telly as there's no point - carry on with whatever we were doing. Most of the time it's about someone that went to school with Dh or was it SIL no probably BIL, well his wife do you remember her she lived on X street and had a baby to Y, well her dad's dog's cousin's hairdresser's neighbour, you know the one with the birthmark no and the punchline is always that he's dead. They are always dead. And you can spend 10 minutes saying is he dead is he dead is he dead and she'll ignore you until she can say "he's dead" And by which time you could have just read the obits in the local paper that's on the coffee table that tell you he's dead.

Every sodding time.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 25/01/2018 12:01

@AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork

Sorry but the way you describe it is hilarious!!! Grin

glow1984 · 25/01/2018 12:03

My mum does this sometimes.

I think it must be a doddery old woman thing Grin

Frith1975 · 25/01/2018 12:08

My mother also does this but the monologues (which have now been repeated for 20+ years) change slightly so different people appear in them. This is even more annoying as they are no longer monologues but also complete bollocks!

eenymeenymaccaracca · 25/01/2018 12:10

AuntFidget - lmao at this! Sorry.

"They are always dead...." Brilliant.

Notasperfectasallothermners · 25/01/2018 12:12

Suggest putting a film on and shove her a large bag of toffees....

FetchezLaVache · 25/01/2018 12:18

AuntFidget Grin Grin Grin

DancesWithOtters · 25/01/2018 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 25/01/2018 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whosafraidofabigduckfart · 25/01/2018 12:26

This reply has been deleted

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DollyLlama · 25/01/2018 12:30

@AuntFidget Grin

Graphista · 25/01/2018 13:14

You say the behaviour predates the stroke but she may well have had Tia's before the stroke that affected her. At her age various dementia types could also be a factor, also depression/loneliness. Maybe she is just SO pleased to have people to chat to of an evening she's making the most of it.

My grandfather who'd been a very quiet, very reserved man became most talkative and emotional after his stroke. My grandmother with Alzheimer's became more pleasant, more open and very funny the more the Alzheimer's took hold - it was a bittersweet result - she always been quite brusque and abrupt before.

Repetition is common, partly comfort, partly often they genuinely forget they've told you this story before.

OhCalamity · 25/01/2018 14:06

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork Irish memmeh by any chance? MIL does this on skype to her DS and it drives him cracked.

DM does the monologues. She'll ask you about something and you won't even have replied but she's butted in telling you about the time X happened to her. You've heard it before, millions of times but it's an expressway so only stops at approved junctions. Then she gets huffy if you get a new car/ change jobs /move because you never told her...well, if you let us get a word in edgeways we might have!

arousingcheer · 25/01/2018 14:49

Gosh, thanks all, glad to hear I'm not alone. Will have a closer read/reply when I get home.

OP posts:
Felicitycity · 25/01/2018 14:58

None of my family do this, but I have a few ex friends who went on and on and on about themselves. When my husband rang one of them to tell her we'd had a baby she said 'Oh my dentist's wife had a baby. Then proceeds to talk for 20 mins about dentist's baby.
I really can't be doing with it and don't see them any more. Clearly that's not an option with DMs and DMILs.

Don't people have a thing in their head that says ' Goodness I've been talking long enough, it must be someone else's go' . Drives me nuts

HeffalumpsnWoozles · 25/01/2018 15:07

Oh yes, stb FIL does this! He can stretch out the most mundane topic for hours. I can't even pretend to be interested anymore!

peachgreen · 25/01/2018 15:57

My mum does exactly this. I honestly wouldn't mind if she listened to other people in return but she makes it so obvious that she's bored if ANYONE other than herself is speaking. She never asks questions about anyone else or tries to find out more about them - she just holds court and tells the same anecdotes over and over. It makes me so angry and I find it so hard to spend time with her. She's chronically disabled and if I ever said anything to her she'd be devastated and my dad would never forgive me so there's nothing I can do.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 25/01/2018 16:01

Oh dear god, I hear you! My dad, bless him, is like this. No advice though, I need some too! Sadly, of course, there’s every chance I’ll turn in to him as I get older Grin. Interestingly, he doesn’t do it with his GCs, he listens patiently to them!

twinjocks · 25/01/2018 17:09

My stepmother does this - but the form of listing how busy she's going to be over the next days/weeks/months. Every time we speak. She was always a bit like this, but since she retired a couple of years ago (so less busy than she used to be), and has taken on some voluntary work, every single conversation involves her telling me what she'll be doing for months ahead, and bemoaning how busy she is. I am sorely tempted to say - "but it's voluntary - just quit" - but she actually enjoys what she's doing. Sigh.

arousingcheer · 25/01/2018 17:15

Faking she doesn't necessarily interrupt, it's more like a) she is a little hard of hearing so can't hear you making the noises one makes when trying to enter a conversation, b) has no visual or emotional awareness of others attempting to speak and c) relates to everything via anecdote, eg 'Oh, that thing that you just told me, I did/had/saw/etc that same thing myself' at which stage you know you're on the precipice of an anecdote, which may then run into another and another, and then it's 90mins later.

ChooChooLaverne possibly some mild congnitive issues, it certainly feels like that anyway. It's as though she can only see one way to communicate and it involves telling a long story about yourself. I did make a tongue-in-cheek rule about never telling me a story about anyone I don't know and/or will never meet but now she seems to ignore it. I said it last night and she said 'That's your rule, not mine.'

MerryMarigold I am doing this with some regularity but it's just as stressful to me to have loads of background chatter whether I'm listening/responding or not. And I feel sad that when I disconnect it just means no one is making an effort. I sometimes say (if she jumps in talking while I'm doing something) 'Ok, but I just need to finish doing this first' and she will stop but it can mean we just sit in silence or she will line up various things for me 'when you're finished', which drives me equally mad.

Appuskidu oh gosh, that is hard. My dm is more lighthearted about it, but has her Baby Jane moments, like she needs to be the centre of attention and some of her anecdote-telling is part of that performance. She has this little nose-wrinkle/giggle she does when she thinks she's being cute, drives me mental!

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork 'is he dead' - fantastic!

Graphista yes, I do wonder if the stroke took place in a part of her brain where something had been brewing for years as it just seems this same behaviour is intensified, there is nothing new really. A few years ago she stopped saying please and thank you, a lot of her issues are executive function deficit stuff.
She seems iike the least lonely/depressed person I know and always has plenty of people to chat to (she could talk for hours well before she lived alone). She could surround herself with friends every day of the week if she wanted. She has gone through several life-changing events in the last few years but seems to have come out of it so well due to her oddly insular/unfocused nature.
My gran had depression/anxiety and dementia so I know what it can look like. This certainly is not like that (though everyone is different). I do feel like my mum would be very upfront about her feelings, she will tell me if something upsets her, if she felt down etc.

The thing about these anecdotes is that my participation is requested, she keeps saying 'do you remember when we' etc so she definitely knows I know the story. For a lot of them I was there ffs. Yes I remember when that happened, yes I was there, yes it happened just that way but I was there so I do remember etc etc etc. It's just like she is looking down a cognitive tunnel, she can't turn the ship around (and other mixed metaphors lol).

OhCalamity re your expressway I envision it as one of those canyons like Wile E Coyote used to fall down. It's like we're on a precipice and then all it takes is one phrase or 'do you remember the time' and I know we've gone over the edge and all you can do is ride it out.

OP posts:
FigurativelyDying · 25/01/2018 17:45

Another one here with a DM who is very similar. She is also fairly deaf, so doesn't notice if you are trying to speak, and exceptionally mean and rude, so wouldn't give way even if she did notice.
Here are some of our coping strategies: take her to the theatre. A win win, as you get some peace and quiet, get to see a play and she knows you are not supposed to talk during a play.
Go on long walks. Somehow walking along a river for example while listening to the monologue is not as bad as sitting in your lounge trying not to look like you wish you were dead.
Enlist help and take it in turns. My DD was wonderful at Christmas. She sat with her gran for 2 hours and did a giant crossword with her. It took the pressure off us while we made xmas dinner

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