Handhold pls to get through my mum's visit (endless monologues)

[arousingcheer]

My dm is visiting and driving me batty. Even if there is no hope of making a lasting change in her behaviour (she's in her mid-70s) I really need a strategy for her monologues. I'm sure she wonders why I look flustered and cross all the time. It's especially awkward when dh is here as I don't want her to feel like I'm chastising/correcting her in front of him. She has always been a talker but it's like she no longer knows how to have a conversation.

Last night dh came home from work at 9pm. Dm went to bed at 10:30. In that 90mins we were barely able to get a word in. Her story about meeting her friends for lunch devolved into a monologue about loads of people dh and I have never met/will never meet and included diversions into other ready-made monologues I've heard a thousand times.

In most ways she is a sweet and good person and we have always been close (single parent/only child). She has masses of friends who love her, she has hobbies, she drives etc (so she doesn't spend all her time sitting in her house alone with no one to chat to iyswim). If you met her you would think she was charming and sweet, a bit scatty. She's had a couple of health crises in the last few years incl a mild stroke which has left no discernable deficits (by which I mean this behaviour predates the stroke).

Anyone have any suggestions about how to gently move the conversation along?

Tbh this visit has been very hard for lots of reasons (her behaviour is becoming more unreasonable in various ways, the visit is too long etc). I want to enjoy our time together, not feel cross all the time.

I know a few people who do this.

It is annoying. Instead of just saying something like ‘oh, I saw Natalie’s mum last week and she’s expecting a baby in july’ the story is something like:

“Well, on Thursday morning I got up a bit earlier than normal and I had some porridge for breakfast. And then I decided to take the dog on the park as it’s quieter at that time. Anyway, I got the lead, treats, bags, off I went. And then I saw Annie. And Annie says, hello, Sally. And I says, hello Annie. And she says, why don’t we walk back through the estate as I need to go to the post office to get some stamps. So I says all right, why not. So I was waiting outside for Annie. I think she was getting stamps, could have been envelopes or - anyway, doesn’t matter. And then she comes out and she says, is that Janice? And I says I don’t know, looks like her. And she says, let’s have a look. And I says, all right then. So we went over and it was Janice and she says, hello Sally and Annie. And we says, what are you doing here Janice? And she says, I’m going to see Natalie. And we says, is she all right? And Janice says, yes, she’s expecting! And we says, ooh, congratulations, when’s she due? And she says, July, she says!”

I feel your pain, my FIL does this. He will tell you the same old stories every time you see him. I have heard most of these stories repeated over 33 years!! He often singles me out to tell these stories and even if you tell him you remember the story he carries on. If I have to hear the story about the fox on the telegraph wire one more time I swear I will scream. He speaks very slowly too. He also gives us detailed instructions of how to get somewhere, including drawing a very detailed map which takes ages, We have tried to explain we have a satnav as he does too! He is a very sweet man but there is only so much I can take. My MIL does nothing to help the situation. There is no sign of dementia I just feel he is a very boring person. Luckily my DH is nothing like him!

I really have found my people here!

My dm does this when pissed. Seriously annoying.

My mil did it too, several strokes later, she has dementia which I could see coming a mile off.

My mother’s stories all end ‘and then they died’

I get quite disappointed if they don’t die at the end.

She sounds lonely if I'm honest

It makes you realise why they do that thing in primary school where you can only talk if you're holding a specific item! You need to do that at home, OP - if she's not holding the cushion she has to shut up!

FigurativelyDying the theatre sounds like a great idea and it was something I'd planned to do before Christmas and then it was overtaken by Christmas logistics. We did watch a film last night and that was fine (she won't talk through the film if we're both watching), though the process of choosing a film was tricky. That could be solved easily by taking a more proactive choosing approach though, saying 'which of these three films would you like to watch' instead of a general 'what would you like to watch'.

Sugarman86 I did bring up my worry that her hearing loss is making her more isolated. I've noticed that when she can't hear the details of a conversation that's when she'll bust out a random anecdote. So I'd agree that there may be some isolation in terms of not communicating, partly because of hearing and partly because of loss of focus/not listening.
But as far as loneliness is concerned dm does two yoga classes and an art class with her friends every week and sees more friends in a week than I see in a month. The issue here looks more like a compulsion to talk.

MyBrilliantDisguise genius! I will designate a talking pillow.

Like the Conch in Lord of the Flies.

And we know how that ended. Yup. Piggy was dead.

And almost every DM sentence begins with ‘I told you, didn’t l?’ followed by the story. If I ever try and cut her off I get a huffy ‘Well I won’t say anything then’ followed by a minutes silence then ‘I told you didn’t I...’

And the boring stories about Sue next door but three and her daughter’s neighbour’s best friend’s gas bill/cat/parking problems (and I love a parking thread!).

AuntyFidget

DanceswithOtters I will tell you who actually is dead which is my DM who was a chronic monologuer. But I’m not going to tell you to cherish it because frankly it was as annoying as fuck when she was alive and it remains annoying as fuck when my MIL does it now.

You have just described my MIL I just drift away - she doesn't listen and us just desp to get the conversation back to her. I've no idea how anyone can lack such awareness

Ahhh it's not just my DM then! Although mine is in her 50s and hardly doddery. She has a lot of trouble getting to the point. Our phone conversations could be half an hour shorter if she stayed on topic.

She TYPES in monologue. She regularly complains to me that my brother doesn't respond to her facebook messages. I have gently suggested that it could be because she sends him essays.

Just last night I'm messaging her; a couple of sentences, a question. Get several paragraphs back each time. The answer to "Yes thanks, quiet week. How are you?" does not have a word count a la GCSE English homework.

My Dad does this. I once invited some family friends for lunch who we hadn't seen for years. My Dad is a serious walker and had just returned from a month's walking holiday. Someone asked him about it and he started to give them a daily account of the holiday "well we left bla bla village on Monday the 3rd after having had a full English. The sun was bright and we noticed a woman coming the other way..."
by the time we reached the second day and everyone there was just munching through their food silently i realised in horror he was literally going to give us a day by day account. I just bluntly interrupted and said something like "Tom you did a lot of walking in your youth didn't you?" To one of the guests and steered the conversation away from him.
It's such a aw

Aww I still remember the time my dad yes he is dead interrupted MIL and started asking her questions that weren't "is he dead?" during one of her monologues No we don't ask questions.