I’m a long time mumsnet member but have name-changed. I’ve been with DH for 14 years and have 3 DC. He’s a hard-worker, has a great but stressful job. He has anger issues he won’t get help for - says he just needs to manage the stress, but he doesn’t. He binge-drinks at weekends and rarely does anything with the children; I mean he will take them to football, to the odd party but other than that, he’s not much interested in doing anything with them unless it is what he wants to do. All the cooking, cleaning, DIY, bill-paying is down to me. I work full time too but my job is nowhere near as pressured (and I earn a tiny fraction). So that’s the background. I’ve been watching these boards for ages, especially interested in the ones about abuse and I’ve read the Lundy B book. I don’t think he is abusive because his behaviour is actually moderately better towards me than it is towards others. But he is selfish and if things aren’t going his way, he can be really horrible (think road rage, shouting at people who he perceives as having been rude to him). Other things:-
- I never know what mood he will be in. He can be charming and fun and he does make me laugh. He can be great company. Or he can be short-tempered and angry.
- Another side of him is where he is making fun of people, imitating, lightly mocking in a slightly undermining but ostensibly affectionate way. He asks me and DC to say things - stupid things - which he finds very entertaining. If we’re not in the mood and get ratty with him it is we, rather than him, who has the problem. It feels sometimes as though he regards us as there for his entertainment.
- Recently he has been ill. We’ve all known about it; he makes no effort to keep himself to himself. He talks about it and how he is feeling all the time. He is coughing, retching, sneezing. Wandering around the house groaning in the middle of the night. He was on his own with 2 of the kids (DC 8 and 10) for a day and didn’t feed them - just left them to their own devices. Yes, he was ill, very unwell, but even with the real flu, surely he could have talked them through getting a sandwich?
- He has shouted at 2 of them this week for not doing as they were told, with such ferocity he made them cry. If challenged he works himself into a rage about how they bring it upon themselves by making him ask them repeatedly. Ok, he had asked more than once but is it ever acceptable to shout at the top of one’s voice to a child? He is particularly horrible to DD who is bordering on teenaged.
- I heard him referring to me on the ‘phone as “the wife”. I don’t know why, but it really upset me as it seemed so disrespectful. The person he was talking to knows my name and has met me a couple of times. Am I over-reacting? I feel he doesn’t like women very much.
After so many years together I feel I no longer know what’s normal any more. I don’t know who the real him is. I see so many different moods. Sometimes he is lovely to us, but I never know. And now I think I may have found a clue: about £200 in cash leaves his account once or twice a month, usually near a weekend. Bits of book in the bathroom are ripped out. He seems to get pissed on relatively small amounts of alcohol and is often going into the bathroom on these nights apparently to urinate but it doesn’t make sense on what he is drinking. He can’t sleep on these nights but wanders around. He spends the next day in bed apparently ill. When we’re on holiday abroad he becomes withdrawn, paranoid, bad-tempered and nasty to me. The behaviour is better when we get home.
Does this sound to you like someone on cocaine? It would explain his erratic behaviour over many years. How do I know what is the real him? I know he will lie if I confront him so I need to gather my evidence first. What are the chances of him giving it up do you think? Assuming of course he wants to? Thank you to anyone who can help me unravel this mess.