Advice please - I think DH is an addict

[IsSpringhereyet]

I’m a long time mumsnet member but have name-changed. I’ve been with DH for 14 years and have 3 DC. He’s a hard-worker, has a great but stressful job. He has anger issues he won’t get help for - says he just needs to manage the stress, but he doesn’t. He binge-drinks at weekends and rarely does anything with the children; I mean he will take them to football, to the odd party but other than that, he’s not much interested in doing anything with them unless it is what he wants to do. All the cooking, cleaning, DIY, bill-paying is down to me. I work full time too but my job is nowhere near as pressured (and I earn a tiny fraction). So that’s the background. I’ve been watching these boards for ages, especially interested in the ones about abuse and I’ve read the Lundy B book. I don’t think he is abusive because his behaviour is actually moderately better towards me than it is towards others. But he is selfish and if things aren’t going his way, he can be really horrible (think road rage, shouting at people who he perceives as having been rude to him). Other things:-

• I never know what mood he will be in. He can be charming and fun and he does make me laugh. He can be great company. Or he can be short-tempered and angry.

• Another side of him is where he is making fun of people, imitating, lightly mocking in a slightly undermining but ostensibly affectionate way. He asks me and DC to say things - stupid things - which he finds very entertaining. If we’re not in the mood and get ratty with him it is we, rather than him, who has the problem. It feels sometimes as though he regards us as there for his entertainment.

• Recently he has been ill. We’ve all known about it; he makes no effort to keep himself to himself. He talks about it and how he is feeling all the time. He is coughing, retching, sneezing. Wandering around the house groaning in the middle of the night. He was on his own with 2 of the kids (DC 8 and 10) for a day and didn’t feed them - just left them to their own devices. Yes, he was ill, very unwell, but even with the real flu, surely he could have talked them through getting a sandwich?

• He has shouted at 2 of them this week for not doing as they were told, with such ferocity he made them cry. If challenged he works himself into a rage about how they bring it upon themselves by making him ask them repeatedly. Ok, he had asked more than once but is it ever acceptable to shout at the top of one’s voice to a child? He is particularly horrible to DD who is bordering on teenaged.

• I heard him referring to me on the ‘phone as “the wife”. I don’t know why, but it really upset me as it seemed so disrespectful. The person he was talking to knows my name and has met me a couple of times. Am I over-reacting? I feel he doesn’t like women very much.

After so many years together I feel I no longer know what’s normal any more. I don’t know who the real him is. I see so many different moods. Sometimes he is lovely to us, but I never know. And now I think I may have found a clue: about £200 in cash leaves his account once or twice a month, usually near a weekend. Bits of book in the bathroom are ripped out. He seems to get pissed on relatively small amounts of alcohol and is often going into the bathroom on these nights apparently to urinate but it doesn’t make sense on what he is drinking. He can’t sleep on these nights but wanders around. He spends the next day in bed apparently ill. When we’re on holiday abroad he becomes withdrawn, paranoid, bad-tempered and nasty to me. The behaviour is better when we get home.
Does this sound to you like someone on cocaine? It would explain his erratic behaviour over many years. How do I know what is the real him? I know he will lie if I confront him so I need to gather my evidence first. What are the chances of him giving it up do you think? Assuming of course he wants to? Thank you to anyone who can help me unravel this mess.

I'm so glad to hear you're going to get yourself and your kids out of this situation, OP.

I know it's going to take courage and strength but remember something else I read on MN - that courage comes from DOING courageous things, not the other way around. You have to take action AS IF you were the strong, brave person you want to be, and then afterwards you will find that you have become her. But you can't sit around waiting for the courage and strength to magically come to you so you can take action.

Also this made me so sad:

I can cope with my own unhappiness but I can’t have him damaging them (more than I guess he has already done)

You shouldn't have to "cope with your own unhappiness". That's heartbreaking - as if you weren't worth being happy, or your feelings don't matter. You are worthy of happiness, OP - it wouldn't be OK if it was just you he was making unhappy, and it wouldn't be OK to just live the rest of your life being made miserable by this man. What would be the point of that? You'd get to the end of your life and think "Well, I was so unhappy, but that's ok because it was only me and I don't matter".

My father was a strong personality and a bully. My husband is too.

I didn't see this earlier. I wouldn't focus on the coke thing then, coke can make you narky and cranky but if he's a bully and an aggressive personality then his coke use is only part of the problem ie if he did quit the coke wouldn't he still be difficult to live with?

Thank you Rocketgirl and Sendin....you are both right. And yes, BerkIn, if I am honest with myself he just isn’t a nice person but I admired him for being a grafter; he’s from a deprived background whilst I’m from a comparatively privileged one and I’ve always found it easy to see the good in people. With him there were so many red flags it’s ridiculous. I saw them, I had the instincts telling me the right things, but I ignored them and I made excuses for him. Even now, I feel sorry for him. I think I have the strength to leave him - I have been unhappy for years and it has taken me this long to get to the stage where I am actually taking active steps - eg, checking out accommodation, etc. I need a couple of months to save up for the deposit on a rental and then I may borrow from my mum. We have no savings - all the capital is in the house. We scrimp each month to pay school fees because the schools around here are notoriously under-performing. I’m so worried that by remaining in the house with him for the next 2 months I’ll change my mind and convince myself it’s all ok because when he’s nice, he’s lovely and can be for weeks at a time. Then he’ll turn and it feels like a blow from nowhere. I just feel he is a toxic presence that has somehow brainwashed me. I’m a highly educated woman and I realise how absolutely pathetic this sounds! If I could just go somewhere now in my current state of resolution, I would, but the only option is my mum - 2 hours away - and that would mean taking the children out of their school that they love and are comfortable in. It would be devastating for my DD in particular.

It does sound like he's doing coke.

That's not the issue really though, in my younger years most of my friends used heavily, most of them didn't and wouldn't act as you've described your husband doing. It will definitely make a mean person more mean though.

Sorry you're going through this op. I think you know what you need to do.

Sorry, cross posted with you.

I do, bummypicklemummy, thank you (great name! Made me chuckle!)

OP before you even mentioned cocaine I was thinking he sounds very much like a cocaine abuser.

I’m so worried that by remaining in the house with him for the next 2 months I’ll change my mind and convince myself it’s all ok because when he’s nice, he’s lovely and can be for weeks at a time. Then he’ll turn and it feels like a blow from nowhere

Is there someone you trust in real life that you could tell? Sometimes when "no one knows" it's easier to just pretend that everything's fine, whereas if you say out loud to someone "I'm leaving my husband because he is abusive" when you have a wobble it's harder to cave.

I just feel he is a toxic presence that has somehow brainwashed me

This feeling you have of being brainwashed is very astute and you are bang on the money - trauma bonding is very powerful. In a way you have been brainwashed - the intermittent cycle of someone who is nice sometimes and frightening at others is extremely hard to break free from.

In escaping this, it isn't just about "staying strong" - you need to educate yourself about why people stay in abusive relationships and what exactly is going on in your brain when you find yourself desperate to stay with someone who you know with your logical mind is bad for you.

Not that I'm telling you want to read or think, but I found this website quite helpful:

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html#

I really feel for you OP, what you have described could have been written pretty much word for word by myself a few months ago.

It does sound like cocaine use to me. And someone can be an addict even with “just” weekend use.

With hindsight I should have spotted the signs earlier but it took a psychotic episode for me to discover the problem.

I tried for months to help my DP, making & attending doctors appointments, contacting drug support services but ultimately he would just say what they wanted to hear and carry on using.

In my own experience it wasn’t the withdrawal that was the biggest problem, when not using he would almost go back to his normal self (although he was a very angry man anyway, so perhaps I’d just normalised that part). It was whilst using he would become paranoid, delusional & irrational. He would definitely become anxious and “on edge” as it began to wear off though - and there begins the cycle.

How long has this been going on for Spring? And if he admits it & agrees to get help would you trust him to follow through?

I hope for your & DC’s sakes that it isn’t drugs... but even if it’s not, are you happy with how he treats you and the DC?

Do you have anyone you could talk to in RL, I know how tough it is to deal with alone and when I finally told my family it was like a huge weight had lifted.

I left in the end, it gradually got worse & worse until life for my DS and myself was utterly intolerable - best thing I ever did!

isspringhereyet: its so hard to make that final push, it took me three years in all honesty. I found it hard to believe it was abusive, sometimes I still do, because what does that make me for putting up with it and exposing the kids to it for so long? To all other people i am a strong capable independent woman. If I saw this behavior in a new relationship now I would run a mile. We get conditioned to it, conditioned to believe we are somehow to blame.

My kids have been ill this week, and he decided last night to take it as an opportunity to have a swipe at me and question my parenting skills. Basically I sent one of the boys to school and perhaps I shouldn't have done, but that morning he was bouncing around on the bed, and I work full time so I sent him in. Anwyay, he was being a shit about it all. Fact is though in 10 years of having kids he never once took them to the doctors, always said it was MY call and even when my eldest had a febrile convulsion at 18 months he let me drive with him ALONE to the hospital cos he said i was over reacting. You see my point? These men will use anything against you, even the most sensible person can see that its nuts. Its a complete mind fuck. So this morning when I was taking the kids to school I was anxious over whether it was the right decision. I was living with that for years! But I am still not completely free of it. BUT I am happy 99% of the time.

LTB asap: focus less on him and more on your DC, who will have been negatively affected by his behaviour, and your choice to stay so long.

If you really need evidence: have a look in his wallet for notes that have been rolled up and straightened out again, it can be obvious. And when he goes into the bathroom, go in after him and wipe your hand across the surfaces, if he has been snorting off the surfaces then he will leave some residue powder or a smear mark from his damp finger. Have a look at any mirrors you have too. You could also wipe your fingers along the credit cards in his wallet, and rub your gums. if they go a bit numb, then its likely coke.

Its gross but a lot of people snort off the toilet sistern or seat put down (eugh!)

Thank you, all, for your support, it means so much especially because IRL there are few people I can talk to. Sendinthewolves - I am sure you are right about the trauma bonding - I have wondered before if that is what it is. The problem is, he does it with the children too: loses his temper, is horrible then goes back and makes it up with them, apologising and almost going the other way in terms of spoiling them. I wonder whether they are trauma bonded too? I will read the article - thank you. Taxi - when I first met him he lived a chaotic lifestyle and I knew he used coke then, but I was young and naive and didn’t realise the two were connected nor the extent to which it must already have been a problem. We split up because of his unreliable and erratic behaviour - I thought he had a problem with drink. Months later, I met him again and he wasn’t drinking, had a good job, had been going to the gym and seemed perfectly good relationship material. We dated and he seemed to be a changed man. And I think he wasn’t using - he certainly wasn’t drinking - for years, when our children were very young. There were other issues: his need for absolute tidiness in the house when he got back from work, he still had a dreadful temper. But then he started socialising with a local man who I thought had an alcohol problem and his behaviour at weekends started becoming more erratic: going out, coming back much later than he said he would. Really, I wish I had kept a diary so I could see how it re-evolved. I am 95% certain he is using coke and has been fairly regularly for years. I’m just not sure how much of his behaviour is attributable to it. Am I looking for an excuse for the way he behaves? I feel - stupid as it sounds - that I need a reason to leave because I know when the time comes he will make me feel whatever I present to him as my reasons - are trivial and don’t warrant my breaking up the family.

I wonder whether they are trauma bonded too?

Children can be especially vulnerable to this, since the stakes for them are so high and they do not have the option of leaving the situation.

Kids (generally) are completely dependent on the adults around them to love and care for them. If a caregiver is chaotic/ unpredictable/ frightening then the kids very often "tune in" to them, to their moods and triggers, and hence can show a frightening ability to predict what will set their abuser off, or when a bad patch is on the way. In effect, they bond with the abusive parent as a way of trying to keep themselves safe. When times are bad, they try to minimise the harm, and when things are good, they love the parent enthusiastically and act as if all is forgiven.

This is very similar to what an abused spouse does - try to make their abuser love them in the vain hope this will stop the abuse.

It can be baffling for the non-abusive parent - "why do they seem to prefer him to me, even when he's so horrible to them?" - and can also make it seem harder to leave - "but the kids love their dad so much, how could I take them away from him?"

I need a reason to leave because I know when the time comes he will make me feel whatever I present to him as my reasons - are trivial and don’t warrant my breaking up the family

You want his permission to leave. You do not need it and you will not get it.

I don't want to sound harsh, and I know how hard it is to make yourself really believe this. But really, you must act as if you believe it.

There’s loads of signs that you recognise once you know what you’re looking for but all that really matters is how he’s treating you and your DC, whatever the reasons.

I understand completely the need for a reason that can’t be argued with but have come to realise that he won’t accept any reason I give and the more I try to explain the more he twists what I say and tries to make me feel guilty and suck me back in.
So in the end I didn’t explain, I made my plans quietly over a couple of (very difficult) and DS and I just left.

Again, you are focusing on (justifying yourself to) him. His behaviour is damaging for the DC.

Hi OP,

First the drug thing is a side issue. This is about the usual roots of abuse...Power and Control. It’s all there in Lundy...and you will find him in there somewhere.

You are in an abusive relationship. He will not change. And yes, you need to get out of this relationship for your sanity and you and your choildren’s future happiness.

sendinthewolves said exactly what I was thinking as I read through the thread, which was ‘she is looking for permission’. You don’t need permission, and you don’t need to justify yourself. You do not need to be vindicated. You do not need to ‘present’ a case. This is not a court of law. This is merely you responding to the fucked up dynamic he has imposed on the whole family. Obviously you know that he expects to allow or disallow whatever is proposed in your family’s life, because he is the tryrant who can make things really nasty if you go against him. But this is an abusive family life, ruled by an abusive man who is happy to punish those around him if he doesn’t get his own way.

Like pudding says, it is a complete mindfuck and he doesn’t have to do much any more to remind you to watch your step. You are fully groomed...so he doesn’t have to terrorise you completely, shout in the street or drive like a psychopath to make you feel exactly the same. That dread you feel? That’s your training. And your training is also telling you that you need to provide a convincing case to convince him to ‘allow’ you to dump him. Good job you don’t need his consent on this one because he would never give it.

Go see a solicitor in secret. Not just any old solicitor...get one who can tell you that they have dealt with abusive respondents. An average family solicitor may be tenacious and diligent, but dealing with an abuser....as mine had to...takes it to another level of obstruction and shiftiness. You need someone who can anticipate this. He or she may advise you not to leave the marital home. If you’re lucky your H may choose to leave in a great big huff or whatever...softly softly catchee monkey.

Yes, get your ducks in a row, but not for him...for you. Good luck. He won’t make it easy but I think you know you have to do this, while you still have the strength of mind. He will have whittled away at your sense or normal. He’s twirled you round so often you think you don’t know which way is up... don’t doubt yourself. Best thing for this would be to tell some real life friends...they will support you and validate/bear witness to his cruelty and help you get clarity.

Get RL support, and get a strategy together with your solicitor. Your H will try anything to undermine you...either be being all ‘nice’, or playing the victim or just white hot anger and threats (telling people you’re an unfit mother - my ex regularly threatens to write to the kids’ GP/school etcto tell them I am unfit, but it’s all just bullshit. It doesn’t frighten me anymore, but it used to.) He will be outraged and try everything to punish you...expect that and stand firm. Make sure you have a friend or supported to phone when you are feeling weak. Makes all the difference.

I promise that when you get out the other side of this, it will be worth it.

Hillfarmer, thank you. To see it written there in black and white, that he is abusive is incredibly motivating for me, because, yes, I do feel I need his permission, not on my account but because it means taking his children to live with me. He has no one else - he will fight me and he is cunning, manipulative and intelligent. I kept telling myself I was having a mid-life crisis and all my unhappiness was down to my elevated expectations of life! It is such a relief to see how you and other people are reacting to my post. I went to a counsellor and described his behaviour and she kept telling me that he was frightened and she was justifying his actions to me as though they were normal. I took away from those sessions that I just needed to get a job and stand up for myself more!

Bad counsellor! You know she was rubbish, right?

I too had feelings of guilt and sadness towards my XH as I had loved him for a long time and, amazingly, felt sorry for him, even while he was attempting to destroy me. Also, my own self-flagellatory feeling of ‘how could I have got it so wrong?.’ Of course he never said ‘I don’t love you anymore’ - that would have been almost helpful in the circs. What I realised is that if someone acts like they hate you, they probably do. He would be able to say ‘I love you’ and then harangue me or criticise me relentlessly to the point that I would be in tears and deeply hurt. He did not care.

Lots of therapy enabled me to thrash those feelings out, whilst being as outwardly expressionless and ‘hard’ towards him as I possibly could. I learnt not to show when I wanted something (e.g. to change childcare plans so I could go to an event) as he would then make it his business to scupper my plans. Think ‘I am a stone’, otherwise he will do anything to manipulate you. Don’t give him anything to work with.

I had to wean myself off the urge to explain things to him or to treat him as if he was someone who respected me. It took me quite a long time to realise that he had zero respect for me, and instead of loving me (even a bit) , he actually hated me. And all women. Probably. It is hard to accept, especially as like you, I am highly educated, and like to think of myself as a strong, intelligent person. I AM a strong intelligent person, but my XH was prepared to see me minced into the ground and emotionally ruined in order for him to rule the roost. God knows why he wanted that (no normal, sane humane person would want to rule over anyone else, by fear or otherwise)and I stared into the middle distance for months, ruminating fruitlessly round and round. In the end it doesn’t matter why. It just is ineluctably, inescapably bloody true.

Good posts, Hillfarmer.

My h acted like this but it wasn't coke it was sex workers. Or it could be both as the two go together apparently.

Thank you, hillfarmer; it sounds as though you have been through hell. He is home now, being very pleasant to me, bathing the children, lighting the fire. I have to remind myself that he is like this because it suits him and as soon as things aren’t going his way he will revert to type. Already the memory of his distorted, shouting face of this morning is receding into the distance. It is difficult to think he may hate me but I know this will change when I am no longer compliant.