Husband kept frienship with female colleague secret

[user1464837504]

Hi.
Have just been go in round in circles with my husband over texts left open on his phone (I promise)
He did not stop me trying to read them
They are from a work friend who he has started spending some of his days off with.
Just getting food mainly, but I've now discovered she was on a day trip he led me to believe he'd gone and done alone.
There is also a text offering MY MOTORBIKE GEAR if she wanted to go for a ride with him today!
I'm sure he hasn't slept with her.
He maintains she's the only colleague interested in activities rather than drinking on his days off (we both work opposite shifts) and that's the only connection.
However admits he avoided telling me about their outing as he knew I'd "get arsey"

Sorry...long winded...but these things never end well do they? And it's always a symptom of something bigger...needing some advice, or just some perspective please.

My XH went on a day trip with a woman. I knew about it but was away on business. He swore blind they were just mates. She's his wife now.

I can't see this sitting well tbh, id be furious he lied, have you met or seen her?

It sounds as though he's having an affair or doing the groundwork for one. You don't tell your partner things you want to keep secret. There are few reasons to keep platonic friendships secret

He's blaming you for potentially getting arsey as the reason for keeping this quiet? What a dick. If there was nothing in it, and she is simply a friend, then why the secrecy?

Exactly! Everyone! You are saying things I've been brewing in the back of my mind. I'm not overreacting.
I have met her- I gave her a lift home from work once when I picked up DH. And a few times socially we've been at the same place.
He's had female friends before, but they've been friends, or met mutually. And never spent time alone.

Well it depends in whether you can be expected to overreact. Its never ok to lie but if you would overreact and assume the worse I can understand more why he might have gone for line of least resistance.

It isn't ok he lied

But

I would consider whether he lied because he knew you would be jealous and controlling and try to ban it

Offering your motorbike gear...so he'd be fine if you offered another guy to use his stuff then. That's a lack of respect to you and poor boundaries.

I smell a rat. Sorry.

Nip it in the bud right now, it's an affair in the making

Sleeping: I would definitely have been jealous, and probably sulked if I'm being honest. But also seen her more like needing some mates maybe, and seeing if we clicked too (we're all new in town)
I do not have form for carrying on unreasonably

Sandy: exactly. I used this exact point to illustrate my annoyance. His only argument was "you don't ride so it would never happen"
Prick

Well there you have it, he knew you'd get arsey, but still went ahead, and even offered to lend out your gear ! What a shit he is !

Invite her for supper. See his /her reactions.

Put some chilli on the crotch of your riding gear. She'll wonder what on earth she's got herself into.

seconmrsashwell

Invite her over. Hold hands with DH and tell lots of anecdotes about his family.

There's no aspect of this that makes him look good...

I wouldn't be inviting her over and showing him off; it'll come across as fake and make you seem insecure. Then again; anything that you do should be aimed squarely at your partner - he has been the one hiding this from you and lying about his whereabouts and plans.

Thanks everyone. I feel stronger now not getting into debates with his stupid justifications. I want him to apologise, accept some clear boundaries and show some respect.
I have nothing against this girl. But I'm going to continue having very little to do with her. I'd be surprised if she's interested in him really. It all seems more one-sided from the texts.

I would definitely have been jealous, and probably sulked if I'm being honest
I do not have form for carrying on unreasonably
You would be carrying in unreasonably if he told you he was going out for lunch with a mate from work and you sulked.

He shouldn't have lied but I can see why he started off with just not telling you.

He shouldn't have offered out your belongings. I assume despite you not riding that you own your own kit not just its a generic spare kit for anyone who wants a ride with your partner?

I'd struggle working opposite shifts to my partner tbh. When are you supposed to have your own days out together? I can see both sides of this one a little bit BUT not the lying. That's got to be acknowledged by him as leading you to be suspicious not avoiding it.

Sleeping: you'll probably still feel the same, but the day he's lied about was a full day trip to a beautiful swimming spot. That the two of us had been planning to go to for a while. So yes a little jealousy of missing out would have been felt. I will reflect on that in any case.
Yes, I'm always pillion but my gear is my own

PNGirl
Our days off not lining up is new and temporary. And yes it's mainly the hiding the truth that bugs me

The getting arsey comment would piss me off big time.

I would find the fact that he did something nice with her, that you'd been planning to do together very hurtful. If something hasn't happened already, then it will. And he knows it's dodgy, which it why he didn't tell you.

I think it sounds very dodgy. Not least because one of the things is swimming - bit personal and the other getting her to ride pillion. Would she have to have her arms around him?? If you think it sounds one sided, he does seem to be trying to do quite personal things with her to forge some bonding.

Actually I think that's fair enough OP. Because if the friend was Steve, beer gut that he took swimming i'd be pissed off too, it wouldn't be about Tiffany, 24, polka dot bikini. It would be about the lie and that specific thing that WE were meant to do together