Husband kept frienship with female colleague secret

[user1464837504]

Hi.
Have just been go in round in circles with my husband over texts left open on his phone (I promise)
He did not stop me trying to read them
They are from a work friend who he has started spending some of his days off with.
Just getting food mainly, but I've now discovered she was on a day trip he led me to believe he'd gone and done alone.
There is also a text offering MY MOTORBIKE GEAR if she wanted to go for a ride with him today!
I'm sure he hasn't slept with her.
He maintains she's the only colleague interested in activities rather than drinking on his days off (we both work opposite shifts) and that's the only connection.
However admits he avoided telling me about their outing as he knew I'd "get arsey"

Sorry...long winded...but these things never end well do they? And it's always a symptom of something bigger...needing some advice, or just some perspective please.

It's a giant no! If it was all totally innocent and just because you were not around, it would have been mentioned. And if he didn't mention it because he knew you wouldn't like it, then he shouldn't even have been suggesting it

Affair. Emotional affair at least.

And if he didn't mention it because he knew you wouldn't like it, then he shouldn't even have been suggesting it off topic but I don't agree that we have to never do anything our partner might not like. What if my DH doesn't like be seeing my male friends without him then doesn't like me seeing my female friends without him or one of the kids, and doesn't really like me hanging out with my sister. Its the same thing

I would consider a line has been crossed here. It's not normal to hide a friendship from a spouse and I bet there's been a lot of lying by omission. I would feel very uncomfortable about that day out, it sounds very intimate. What is happening with getting food together regularly?

I really wouldn't bother having circular discussions with him. You both know what's going on is inappropriate and that he probably wouldn't like the boot on the other foot, or another man wearing his clothes. The question is really what to do now especially if he is minimizing and ignoring your feelings about it.

I really wouldn't want to go swimming with any of the blokes from my work.

off topic but I don't agree that we have to never do anything our partner might not like

I don't disagree - it occurred to me as soon as I posted. I meant reasonably disagree with; although definitions of reasonable will vary.

I totally take your point here; though

Emotional affair, or about to get there.

I would want this nipping in the bud.

I know it seems like people cry, "he's having an affair!" so easily on here at times but, honestly, it really does happen and it really does happen that easily.

IMpersonalE, there are very few men who would turn down the chance.of something, even if it wasn't a full blown affair.

And this certainly sounds like the start of something at least...

Update

We've talked it through properly. I wrote down all my main points first so as not to get distracted!
He has apologised for misleading me about the day trip and acknowledges the gear offer was disrespectful.
We also had a full day off together which was good, and well overdue.
I've seen all texts between them, it does confirm that the day out was originally a group of them going, but then everyone else dropped out.
They have an active outdoorsy job so going swimming doesn't have as much of a sinister feel to me as it might to others.
I still have a bad taste in my mouth though, all said and done.

I’m glad it’s sorted but you should warn him you are going to be sensitive and antsy for a while. I can’t imagine taking up an offer of a motorbike ride from a colleague unless they were actually fairly well established good friends, it is all getting a bit cuddly one on one for me for going out with a regular colleague who I have a professional relationship with.