I want kids but my girlfriend doesn't want them... what should I do?

[amaninlove43]

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over 8 months now and I’ve been thinking of popping the question.

However, I feel like I have to hold back for a bit… when I started talking with her about

having a family, she show disinterest in having kids. We were having fun and talking about

having 3 kids but then she followed it with “having kids are troublesome,

I honestly don’t want to have any…”

I was taken aback, I had asked her more about it but she just shrugged it off saying that

she just doesn’t want them. I made it clear with her that I want to have kids.

So now I am wondering if we are still on the same page as when we started…

we are both dating with intentions of marriage, but with the current discussion it’s almost

like it might not work out.

When I first met her through a singles tour, she was really charming (still is) and

she made it clear that she wants to find that one person to spend the rest of her life with.

But because we never talked about having kids whatsoever, now that it happened,

I am surprised. What should I do? I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her

but I want to have a family… I really need help, please!

You two are at different life stages. She may want kids but she could easily wait another 10 years and still have kids. You'll be quite advanced in age by then.

I've got a few friends who never wanted children and never changed their minds . Others that did change their minds. It's a gamble and if I were you, I'd start looking for women your generation who do want a family.

I'm 27; but I know that I want children. I haven't always, but I'm now old enough to know that; and I've met the person that I want them with.

I wouldn't stay on the basis that she might change her mind; because she might not. You have to make a call on whether to stay and not have children; or go and have them with someone else. You don't have any other options; and choosing to wait to see if she changes her mind is just postponing the decision, wasting both of your time and putting a fair bit of unfair pressure on her when she's clear on what she wants.

She may never want them. I didn't and I knew this even as a teenager. If you are not willing to wait a long time in case she changes her mind then you either need to give up on kids or let her go. Time isn't on your side really. You sound incompatible.

If you don't want to lose her then there's your answer. But I think you're very much hitting an age related issue and maybe you should accept a young woman won't see you as marriage material. She's only 26 and if she's anything like I was she's not thinking long term at all at that stage, she'll just be enjoying the moment. You've only been together a few months and at 26 that's not really time to decide if you've met 'the one' especially with the age gap you have.

You on the other hand are likely to have had other long term relationships. How did you feel about them after 8 months? Why didn't you have children before? If you've never met someone you wanted to live with or marry before then you need to accept staying in the relationship means no children. Or it means children in another 10-15 years when she is ready to have kids. How do you fancy becoming a father in your 50s? Working into your 70s to pay for university? How's your pension and life insurance, can you ensure she doesn't become a young widow trapped in poverty?

You asking her to marry you 8 months in because you don’t want to lose her sounds disturbing to me. Why would you “lose” her if you don’t get married? Doyiu think she’s losing interest in you? It kind of sounds like marriage and kids are a tool you’re hoping to use to trap her. Anyway, possibly I’m reading far too much into it.

You can’t make her want children and you can’t hang around in the relationship in the expectation that she’ll change her mind. She’s told you she doesn’t want kids and now you have to decide how much you do. If it’s a deal-breaker for you then you have to end it.

Have you had any other long term relationships? This all sounds a bit quick to me .

I'm 43 and she's 26... This is a complete non-starter.

Can't believe you typed out that long OP leaving out these rather - errr - significant details!

Reading your OP with that information to hand comes over entirely differently. It appears quite deliberate really - a kind of refusal to even acknowledge the fact that you are at two entirely different life stages.

She's 26. Of course she doesn't want children! I didn't want them, or have them, for ten years after that point. That's normal. As a pp said, you didn't want them when you were 26 either, did you?! Come on!!

So - you both want marriage - ok, an age gap is not necessarily an issue. But it IS an issue if you want different things. This isn't going to work. I wonder, with your first post being so disingenous, what else you're pretending on. Does she really have intentions of marriage? Or do you just want to see it that way and she's thinking, umm I don't want to settle down and have a family for a long time yet'? Because that's what is coming across.

She's 26. You're not on the same page. If you try and bully or coerce her to be, it will go disastrously wrong.

If you want children soon, you need to find someone who wants them soon.

And 8 months is nothing!!

I agree 8 months is far too soon, especially for her, at only 26 to be marrying a man so much older than her who is desperate for children, and quite soon, looking at your age. You need to be looking at someone at least 10 years older than her who is ready to have kids. You can't pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do, and then 15 years down the line, she's parenting teenagers with a pensioner. She will be doing most of the grunt work, like it or not, unless you are Mick Jagger or Ronnie Wood. It wouldnt have been an appealing prospect for me at 26.

I don't think you should propose.
She had told you she doesn't want children,
Maybe in later life she will, who knows.

However I think the age gap is crucial here. You are at different stages in life. Nothing will change that.
Why not find a woman closer to your age to have a relationship with?

You’re too old for her/she’s too young for you.

Two completely different stages in life. And this isn’t a subject that there’s a happy medium on.

Yes, in 10 years she could decide she’s ready but you’d be too old and it wouldn’t be fair, IMO, to have a child that late in life.

It’s only 8 months in. I think it’s time to cut your losses.

What’s a ‘singles tour’? Is it one of those where you go to Eastern Europe/ Russia and sample the young women to see if any are suitable. If that’s the case it changes the dynamic slightly.....

I have to disagree with pp that 43 yr old man and 26 yr old woman is a non starter purely because of age. My dsis and dbil got married at those ages. 20 years and 3 children (18, 15 and 12) later they’re still very happy. Not saying it will be the case for these two, but it’s not true to say that age gap is impossible.

I agree that if she’s saying no kids and marriage for her now then it’s a totally different situation, I just needed to make the point as the age similarity struck me so much.

OP, I think you should have the conversation. CountFosco said a lot of sensible things.
You and your girlfriend have a very big age gap and it sounds to me like you're the broody one.
It might be an idea to get your fertility checked because if it is a dealbreaker for you, you need to find a partner who wants kids.

So, just to clarify. You went on one of those single 18-30 style holidays, met a girl and (on your part) fell in love. You want to marry her. Have you been married before? You seem a little desperate to do the marriage and kids thing- is this because you have a failed marriage behind you were this didn’t happen, or because you are aware of your age, and as this is your first significant relationship, either ever or in a while, your biological clock is telling you that kids need to happen now. You won’t necessarily find many mid twenty year old that want to start having kids ASAP with a middle aged man- especially not after knowing him for just over 6 months and meeting on a booze cruise. I’m sorry, but unless you’re willing to wait and give her time, she probably has a lot she still wants to do before the marriage and kids with Horlicks at night stage. Either accept that, or end it. I really believe that you’re going to be disappointed in this relationship I’m afraid.

There are many women who would be happy to think about having children at the age of 26.

But a lot of women of that age are in the early stages of careers they want to commit to wholeheartedly. Or they have financial ambitions e.g. property ownership. Or they are just starting to earn decent money and are enjoying the lifestyle that brings (travel, nightlife, nice clothes etc). Or they just enjoy the freedom of being a young adult and being independent.

I'm sorry, but I don't think she's the one for you. She may well change her mind in 10 years' time, maybe less, but you can't take that chance if you want children. And it would be wrong to attempt to cajole her into sacrificing her dreams and aspirations for yours.

I honestly think that you need to try and find a life partner nearer your own age.

I think the age gap is the problem here. At 26 she's possibly not sure what she wants out of life yet and by saying she doesn't want children maybe she just means she's feeling at the moment like she can't imagine a life with children. She might change her mind as she approaches 35 or 40 but thats not much use to you, is it? You'll be practically drawing your pension by then.

You may get along great but I think you are fundamentally unsuited if you don't have similar goals in life.

It would be a mistake for either of you to carry this on any longer when you are not on the same page about what each of you wants out of life to be happy and fulfilled. Let her go and you find someone who is ready and willing to settle down and start a family with you. God knows, there are enough great women out there who would love nothing more.

When you say you met her on a singles tour, what do you mean? I've never heard of a singles tour. Is she from another country? Did a group of men go there specifically to meet women?

This is a completely different situation from infertility or disability. With a partner, you have to want the same things, at least when it comes to the big stuff - kids, family, money. If you both wanted kids but were prevented from having them by infertility, at least you are both on the same page. Even so, that's a tough situation that not all relationships survive. I can tell you that marrying someone because they might one day feel the same as you, or because you think that you OUGHT to love them enough to give up your desire for children, is a recipe for divorce. Know yourself and know that not everyone changes their mind on this.

Stupid that's exactly what I was thinking....

Think about everything you’ll be giving up & she would be too. 8 months is a ridiculously short amount of time, to be thinking about life changing decisions.
Give it 4-5 years, see how you both feel then & if you’re right for each other, it’ll happen.

As someone who doesn't want children, it's a dealbreaker for me, to the extent that when I was online dating I would only look at people who said they didn't want children, and if I met someone in real life, it would get brought up on the second date. There's no point wasting the other person's time, let alone mine, as it isn't something to be compromised on.

Honestly this is a non-starter.

If you potentially vaguely maybe wanted kids one day in the future and she didn't want them, you could possibly both live happily not having kids and maybe one day one or both of you would feel differently. However, you want kids and at your age you need to have them sharpish, which means she will feel under massive pressure and is even more likely to dig her heels in on this issue even if deep down she'd be open to it one day, she doesn't want kids right now / at her age regardless so this isn't the right relationship for you. She also may well never change her mind - my sister told me at 18 she never wanted kids and is now almost 40 and still as convinced as ever she doesn't want them.

Love isn't enough to get married. You have to want the same sort of thing, have similar expectations, want to live in the same place etc - any of these things can destroy a marriage where people love each other.

If you want children you need to go and find someone who wants to have children with you, you don't have time to hang around. Personally I don't know many successful relationships with such a large age gap either -not saying it's impossible but I certainly had different priorities when I was 25 to now at 35 and no doubt at 45 too.

I have to disagree with pp that 43 yr old man and 26 yr old woman is a non starter purely because of age.

Nobody has said that, because it isn't true. Age gap relationships aren't a problem in themselves.

The reason it's a non-starter is because they are at different stages and want different things. She doesn't want to settle down and have children soon. He does. That is almost certainly a function of the age gap, but the reason this can't work is the life goals not the gap in itself.

Which do you want more: gf or children?