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Original poster

I want kids but my girlfriend doesn't want them... what should I do?

80 replies

amaninlove43 · 24/01/2018 11:24

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over 8 months now and I’ve been thinking of popping the question.

However, I feel like I have to hold back for a bit… when I started talking with her about

having a family, she show disinterest in having kids. We were having fun and talking about

having 3 kids but then she followed it with “having kids are troublesome,

I honestly don’t want to have any…”

I was taken aback, I had asked her more about it but she just shrugged it off saying that

she just doesn’t want them. I made it clear with her that I want to have kids.

So now I am wondering if we are still on the same page as when we started…

we are both dating with intentions of marriage, but with the current discussion it’s almost

like it might not work out.

When I first met her through a singles tour, she was really charming (still is) and

she made it clear that she wants to find that one person to spend the rest of her life with.

But because we never talked about having kids whatsoever, now that it happened,

I am surprised. What should I do? I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her

but I want to have a family… I really need help, please!

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 24/01/2018 12:38

To want children you need to be broody and this state often happens with your partner. At the moment you're the only one who is broody and she isn't and probably will not be. Usually when you're with someone you love you naturally become all broody and into family. It's good you have asked now but she should have told you about not wanting children once you both started talking seriously. Perhaps she thought once you're in love then you will be alright with her decision not to have children.

CountFosco · 24/01/2018 12:49

I didn't want kids. Met DH as students, had a serious discussion about children when we started discussing living together when I made it quite clear that I didn't want them. DH did but I said to him then and I'll say it to him now, what would you do if you were with someone who couldn't have kids? Would you leave them? Although you can consider fertility treatment, adoption or fostering those are all hard paths to follow and not everyone wants to follow them. Would you leave someone in that situation because your desire to procreate is greater than your love of your partner?

I disagree with the MN narrative that you should definitely split up over this. It is reasonable to say 'what we have is good and if children aren't part of that then that is the choice I make'.

I should also point out that pregnancy, childbirth, maternity leave and parenthood has far more of an impact on a woman than a man. It's her call much much more than yours if she puts herself through it. Unless you are planning on taking half the shared paternity leave, changing half the nappies, doing half the nightwakings, working part time after you have children and doing half the housework and wifework, finding a local job so you can do half of the drop offs/pick ups/sports day/hospital appointments and willing to turn down promotions that mean you can't do the above then frankly you haven't got a leg to stand on and your idea of parenthood is just a picture postcard and not realistic.

FWIW DH and I did go on to have children pretty late (I was in my 40s when DS was born). He has done all the things on my list (e.g. he changed the sheets last night when DS wet the bed at 3am, took the kids to school this morning and will pick them up this afternoon, give them tea and take to Brownies) and is a fully involved Dad. Having our kids late means we have enough money to throw at issues to make life easier (we have no family support) but it was not inevitable that we make that choice and it took years to reach that point.

category12 · 24/01/2018 12:57

Have the conversation. If she definitely doesn't want kids and you definitely do, then you need to split up. If she's actually ambiguous and you are ambiguous about having kids, then staying together would work. But if either of you are definite, then it won't.

Don't stay thinking she'll change her mind.

greendale17 · 24/01/2018 12:59

End the relationship and find someone who wants kids.

Don’t marry her in the hope that one day she will change her mind.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/01/2018 13:33

I'm a bit hmm at all the people saying she might change her mind
Well she might.
She also might not.
Nothing wrong with either, which is what we are saying.
You see it quite often on here how women change their mind at a certain age. It happens all the time!

thecatneuterer · 24/01/2018 13:49

I'm one of those women who never wanted children and never changed her mind, and lost relationships occasionally because of it. Do not rely on her changing her mind!

NeilPetark · 24/01/2018 13:51

Don’t marry her in the hope that one day she will change her mind.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

Original poster
amaninlove43 · 24/01/2018 14:04

I'm 43 and she's 26... I know you're right about 8 months not being long enough... but being with her just feels right and I don't want to lose her in a way.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 24/01/2018 14:14

You've got a whole generation age gap there.
You want them at your age - quite rightly.
She might not want them ever and if she does it might be another 10 years.
And you will be 53
So you'll have teenagers to look after when you are nearing 70!
Do you want that???
So if you want to have kids you need to end this and move on and find someone who does want them.
It really is that straight forward!

SandyY2K · 24/01/2018 14:17

That's a rather big age gap and time isn't overly on your side. Maybe she doesnt want kids with you, due to your age.. With the gap between you.

She has more years to decide.

You OTH are best moving on. There isn't only one ideal woman in the world for you.

restbiterepeat · 24/01/2018 14:17

So you'll have teenagers to look after when you are nearing 70!

At least there'll be driverless cars to do school runs and drop offs by then.

NeilPetark · 24/01/2018 14:19

She may never want children or because she’s 26 she doesn’t know yet and it could be another ten years before she does. Don’t pressure her into a decision either.

VinoTime · 24/01/2018 14:21

You have a 17 year age gap, OP. That's significant. When it comes to starting a family, the liklihood is you two will always be in different places - one feeling too old or one feeling too young.

At 43, you're 'there' now. You have 17 years life experience on your GF and you are ready for a family. It may be that your GF will never want children, or it may be that at only 26, children are the last thing on her mind right now. Children are maybe something she sees happening in 5-10 years time. I don't know. You really need to speak to her.

StellaHeyStella · 24/01/2018 14:28

I disagree with pp re eight months not being long enough. I think it's plenty of time to fall head over heels in love with someone and realise that they are definitely your soulmate and the one that you want to have babies with.

She hasn't and perhaps she will change her mind in the future about wanting children but it doesn't sound like you're the one.

Getting married under these circumstances is a recipe for disaster when you cannot agree about such a fundamental aspect of the marriage.

You are at different stages of life, she still has quite a few years in which to change her mind (I wouldn't bank on it though) whereas I sense a degree of urgency with you and bearing in mind your age maybe you'd be better off ending this relationship now and looking for someone who wants the same thing out of life.

You do not seem compatible.

BattleCuntGalactica · 24/01/2018 14:37

You can't make her have, or want to have children. If she means that much to you, you'll accept her for who she is and not expect to have kids. If you can't accept that, then it's best you end it and move on. Keeping on at her about it will likely just drive a wedge between you.

Plus that age gap - did you seek someone of her age because she's likely to be more fertile than someone your own age? It might seem like a harsh question, but is it an honest factor?

Josuk · 24/01/2018 14:38

OP - of course she doesn’t want kids at 26. And neither did you at that age, or you’d have had them back then.
She still has a lot of life to live.

As others have said - you need to make a choice.

Offred · 24/01/2018 14:42

At 43 you are really pushing it re having kids IMO no matter who it is with.

Women young enough to have time to form a relationship, make sure it is stable and then take time TTC are often going to be massively put off by the prospect of being left to support DC through uni with you on a pension and potentially needing care for ill health.

Not to mention that the risks re the baby’s health are higher given your age.

NeilPetark · 24/01/2018 14:44

Does she want you to propose after 8 months?

AmberTopaz · 24/01/2018 14:45

It’s good she’s been honest with you. At 26 she’s old enough to know her own mind. I’d finish the relationship as you want different things.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/01/2018 14:45

At least there'll be driverless cars to do school runs and drop offs by then
Yeah yeah - we'll see!
Grin

loveyoutothemoon · 24/01/2018 14:52

You've asked him twice...so ask him again!

loveyoutothemoon · 24/01/2018 16:01

Sorry wrong thread! Shock

ThamesRiver · 24/01/2018 16:07

Nothing wrong with the age gap if it works for both of you.........

........ but it's not working for both of you, is it?

Your clock is ticking - in fact it's at the 11th hour! Hers isn't. Be honest with yourself and decide what you want from life. If you want children, then move on from this relationship ...... and do it quick

ephemeralfairy · 24/01/2018 16:14

I'm nearly 37 and I don't want kids. I've known for as long as I can remember that I don't want them, even when everyone said 'ooh you wait, you'll be feeling broody soon'. No, I didn't and I won't.
Fortunately my DP is on the same page, otherwise we'd have split long ago.
Having said that a close friend has just had her first baby at 34 which was a huge shock to everyone as she has been very vocal in the past on her desire to remain childless so....who can say? It's such a personal thing and different for everyone, so it's hard to advise you really

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 24/01/2018 16:49

You see it quite often on here how women change their mind at a certain age. It happens all the time!

I know, and that's fine if they're doing it out of free choice. But if the op stays with her in case she changes her mind & she doesn't, then it's bad for him. And if she changes her mind through pressure or guilt it's bad for her.