Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

So how do i go ripping her little world apart?

30 replies

HumptyDumpty9 · 23/01/2018 23:02

Hi there

A few months ago i found out my partner had cheated on me with a work colleague. The affair was going on for about 6 weeks when i found out. I was absolutely devastated and still am.

I agreed to try on work on things as our relationship had been so bad leading up to the affair, we were living as housemates rather than partners and also we have DD6.

We went to counselling, he left his job and started a new one and has done a lot to show me he has made a huge mistake. I do genuinely believe he regrets it so much and even does get emotional quite a bit as he is afraid i will leave.

Anyway fast forward a few months and i know my heart is just not in it. I can never forget or forgive him for what he has done. I look at him sometimes and feel such hate. Although i love him there is always this cloud hanging over the relationship. I dont trust him and have lost all respect.

Since the affair he has made a huge effort with our DD6 to do more with her as he kind of just did his own thing for quite a while and working abroad when she was younger led to not much of a bond between them. In the last few months they have spent so much time together and have developed a good bond.

I feel like i need to end things but how do i even go about trying to explain this to DD6 when finally everything is so much better, just for me its not enough. I well up with tears of the thought of breaking up her family. Please someone whop has been through this give me some advice. Thank You.

OP posts:

Flowers54 · 23/01/2018 23:05

I havent got any experience sorry bit sympathise with you. Hope someone with some helpful comes alomg soon x

pallisers · 23/01/2018 23:09

You aren't ripping her world apart. Her world is about to change - mostly because of the actions of her father.

Maybe tell your dd that you and dh don't get on anymore, that he had a girlfriend and you really aren't supposed to have a girlfriend if you have a partner so you have to end it. But that you both love her and it will all be fine.

it sucks. It really does that you have to deal with this. But you are entitled to live a life that doesn't involve living with a partner who cheated. I've no doubt he is genuinely sorry and will be terribly upset when you end it - but he knew all these likely outcomes when he had the affair but he still went ahead.

43percentburnt · 23/01/2018 23:11

He can still be a good dad if you are apart. He broke the relationship not you.

Staying together when you are not happy, putting up with a tainted relationship which you are unhappy in, is not showing her what a relationship should be like.

He broke up the family, not you.

Original poster

HumptyDumpty9 · 23/01/2018 23:17

Thank you for your responses. I know it is not me that has torn her family apart i just feel so awful at how hurt and confused she is going to be.

My parents split when i was a child and i still have not forgotten the day my parents told me. It was horrendous. Never imagined history would repeat itself. Never wanted my own child to go through what i did. Life is never the same for the kids.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 23/01/2018 23:22

He can still be a brilliant dad in a different house. And you didn't rip this apart, he did.

butternutmosh · 23/01/2018 23:22

Agree with 43percent
Your DD will start to pick up on the dynamics & atmosphere within your home. It's unfair to bring her up surrounded by constant resentment & you deserve better, OP!
How do you know he's not going to cheat again?

butternutmosh · 23/01/2018 23:24

Also my parents split up when I was 11 & I was flipping delighted!I wished it would happen for years because they were clearly so unhappy & then got two happier parents & two happy homes!

pallisers · 23/01/2018 23:24

It won't be a great day for you daughter Humpty but maybe it might be better than watching her mother live with a man she dislikes and distrusts. That might mean a whole lot of awful days where she ends up thinking "I wish they had just split up"

Unfortunately from the moment your partner had an affair life was never going to be the same for your daughter. That isn't your fault. All you can do is try to make it as easy as possible for her with the new reality.

Atalune · 23/01/2018 23:28

Well as long as you both put your daughter first and maintain her life there is no need to rip anything apart.

Sit down, talk it through. Shared custody can work very well.

Keep your dd central to how you plan the break up and How to share her care.

You can both do it if you approach it with love, honesty and respect.

Originalfoogirl · 23/01/2018 23:38

Are you maybe giving up a bit too soon? It sounds like he has gone a long way to try to mend it. He was a complete twat and it sounds like he knows it, could some more counselling help you to get over your feelings of mistrust?

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 23/01/2018 23:40

I was amazed how well my daughter coped with me and her father splitting up. She is now much happier and more settled.

I believed she'd struggle to cope. She really didn't. I think she is so much better off now. The atmosphere is much calmer, she sleeps better; I think she now has much more stability.

Ruffian · 23/01/2018 23:47

He has put a lot of effort in to building more of a relationship with his dd so that should stand them both in good stead - perhaps splitting up might deepen it even further as he realises he needs to make the most of what's left of his family.

Relationships can survive affairs but only if both partners really want to keep going. If you don't feel that way then it isn't your fault.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/01/2018 23:48

I’m sorry you’re going through this 💐

You know he is the one that’s ripped your family apart.

Be strong when you tell him because he will guilt trip you about how he regrets it, how he’s sorry and ‘how can you do this to ‘DD’. Be very strong and very clear that it wasn’t a ‘mistake’ - he CHOSE to have an affair and if he starts on the ‘Well, things between us weren’t good....’ shit, tell him very clearly that DISCUSSING that was the adult choice to make, instead he chose to fuck someone else and ask him how he imagined fucking someone else was going to help your marriage? Remind him that HE is the one who destroyed your marriage, not you. Ignore the puppy dog eyes. He’s a grown adult who made a decision knowing full well that this could be the outcome.

Your DD will be upset, of course she will, BUT growing up in a house with parents who aren’t happy is damaging too. You can’t ‘fake it’ forever and they soon see through that anyway. There are plenty of threads full of MNers who wish their parents HAD split up instead of ‘staying for the kids’.

I think that given you don’t want to be together anymore and that DD is only six, I’d probably tell her that Mummy & Daddy don’t love each other how married people are supposed to anymore and that you’re making each other cross & sad living in the same house. But I would tell him that you will not lie to her if she asks questions.

Be strong, it’ll be shit to go through, but it’s like ripping off a plaster. You WILL feel better once you get out the other side of it.

MrsPierceMorgan · 23/01/2018 23:55

It is very early days for you BUT having been through this I know exactly how you feel and in the long run it lead to the eventual breakdown of my marriage - him wanting to be "forgiven" and me feeling unable to . Funnily enough I ended up being the "bad person " . My ex also made a great effort the first year after discovery . You said 6 weeks but then you found out ? If you hadn't found out it could still be going on now ! Only you will know if this is something you can put up with and I say that as I know several women who are doing exactly that and living in this situation , questioning why they stayed .

pallisers · 24/01/2018 00:06

Why on earth should she have counselling to get over her feelings of mistrust? She has them for a reason. her partner cheated on her so she can't trust him anymore. A counsellor who persuaded her to ignore those feelings would not be acting in her best interests.

There are some unforgivable things in a relationship. That is ok. I literally cannot understand how you could think this woman has "given up too soon". How much shit should a woman have to put up with before it is deemed acceptable for her to leave?

And twat isn't the word I'd use if my husband had sex with another woman. Faithless uncaring bastard might be close. I call him a twat when he forgets to put the dog out at night.

Original poster

HumptyDumpty9 · 24/01/2018 00:13

Thank you all for your responses, they are very helpful. And i know myself i gave it a few months i did try and work on things without giving up on 10 years of a relationship but how long can someone really do that for. i think if i didnt leave i wud always think what if ? I dont love my partner enough anymore and i just want to focus on myself and my daughter right now and maybe one day i will find a great relationship.Cant waste any more years

OP posts:

Original poster

HumptyDumpty9 · 24/01/2018 00:16

And i do think he would be a better dad if we werent together. I left for a few weeks with md DD when i initially found out and he was a much better father in those few weeks than he had ever been. Why are some people so stupid. Dont know what they have until its taken away from them.

OP posts:

Ginkypig · 24/01/2018 00:29

I'm a child of divorced parents who made a massive effort to co-parent and stay civil with each other imo I think that is the key.

I was 5 my sister was 4 when they split. The first year was hard until they got their shit together put their personal hurt away and got on the same parenting apart page but after it was great.

For me it would have been terrible had they stayed together. They were better people and better parents apart!

Years later my mother asked us in conversation would it have been better if they'd never divorced, we looked at each other and burst out laughing and said mum! It would have been weird if you'd been together we don't know any different! We can't think of anything worse! She smiled and looked relieved.

StarWarsFanatic · 24/01/2018 00:33

One of my relatives used to ask their parents for a divorce for Christmas as a child, because their relationship was awful. Never happened and that child grew into an adult with a string of unhealthy relationships.

Just explain that you both love her, and while you still love each other you will both be happier in different homes. Don't play the blame game, it just leads to resentment.

Littlefrogletx · 24/01/2018 00:46

Letting your daughter grow in a dysfunctional relationship between you and your partner will destroy her more in the long term.
An unhappy mum isn't a good mum. You will have taught her that it's not acceptable to live with a relationship that makes a person feel like this. That it's not acceptable.
As long as her dad isn't a waste of space she will love him equally.
I had to break my kids hearts too. But I know that that teaching them that it is not acceptable to be treated or to treat others as was a better option than letting them witness what was going on and thinking it's ok to live like that.
Be strong for you both. Let her know that it wasn't acceptable for you to live like that abd it's not acceptable for her to put up with it either in her adult life

Original poster

HumptyDumpty9 · 24/01/2018 00:54

Thank you all so much.

I now need to break this to my partner who is not expecting this he thinks things are going very well between us and has even asked me wen we plan to have more children .

We are not married but own a house together so I am unsure as how the living situation will work out. I do not start my job until May so cannot afford the mortgage on my own and I know he will not leave the home and am worried that he will turn nasty and be very hard to live with. Anyone advice on how to handle these situations ?

OP posts:

Littlefrogletx · 24/01/2018 00:56

And look at what you've taken from your own parents splitting. You've learnt that it's ok, your not prepared to put up with that shit.
Learning that living with hatred and mistrust in an adult relationship would have made you more likely to carry on and ultimately affect your daughter.
You aren't prepared to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy, neither were your parents,and hopefully your daughter won't.
Life is too short.
Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best thing you can for yourself and her

SockUnicorn · 24/01/2018 01:28

You arent ripping her world apart - his actions are. I am with my DDs DF so I cant really comment from YOUR point of view. But my DB was 8 when my parents divorced because of ones infidelity. Can honestly say we had a better upbringing in a happy home after the divorce. Children pick up on vibes and feelings. Better to make a clean break while she is still little, if you are certain you cant get over HIS actions (not yours).

Missingstreetlife · 24/01/2018 08:39

Also think counselling, or just time, may help. Not to get over it, but for both of you to acknowledge and build trust. This is still very raw in another 10 years you could be saying it made you stronger.
I wouldn't say this if you didn't seem in two minds, all relationships have bad patches. Only you know if you can forgive or trust him again. Best wishes op, it's a hard road.

SandyY2K · 24/01/2018 08:58

Cant waste any more years

Very sensible thinking.

Flip

1 2