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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

akward seperations

46 replies

hallmark · 27/04/2007 22:11

After 7 month of suspicion i have just discoverd that my dh has been having an affair. I am obviously distaught about this. We have two daughters aged 5 and 4. he is a full time copper i a part time nurse. since this discovery he has left the family home and is apparently living alone in a new rented house. he is still named on our mortgage.
he has agreed to give us 400 per month for the children this is in line with CSA recommendations
He now want the children overnight but is refusing to give me his new address in case of absolute emergencie. i have said that in this case i would prefere the children not to stay with him.
He has become very nasty over this issue and demanded i sell the house and he will fight me through the courts for full custody of the kids!!!
so does he have to give me his address??
if we are selling the property would he have to pay half the mortgage in the intrim period?
and i have discovered he continues to snoop around the house when i am out can i change the locks?
can anyone help please.
I feel at my wits end and any help would be greatly recieved

OP posts:
October · 27/04/2007 22:12

Message withdrawn

CarGirl · 27/04/2007 22:13

you need to speak to a specialist solicitor they will often give you and initial appointment free etc.

NKF · 27/04/2007 22:14

Poor you. I don't know anything about the law on this but he sounds unreasonable. Why would he not give you his address? I doubt he'd get custody but you don't need a court case on your hands. How unfair. Hope someone comes on who knows more. So see this is supportive wishes and a bump.

Original poster
hallmark · 27/04/2007 22:17

he has always denied any extra marital but text messages have confirmed that he has been and indeed the girl herself was full of answers when i asked her. so i assume they now live together as she "loves him to bits!!! he says nothing on the subject but i can only assume his reluctance to give out his home address is to protect her and all i want to do is to protect the children . legally am i right ? or am i no longer privvy to information regarding his private life?

OP posts:
pickledpear · 27/04/2007 22:17

i have been through this but i think you need to seek help two ways free from citzens advice and or a solicitor will tell you your rights. you can put a extra lock on the door rather than change the locks and say you feel scared on your own so it extra protection. also as his name is on documents i think he can legally break into his own house. he is a copper so his lot stick together.. not that i against coppers as a rule..lol
but you can demand a time and place for children pick up and drop off and yes you have a right to know where they are so solicitor needs to put that in writing for you. go to court if you have to and also you are primary carer so he wont get custody unless he can prove youare unfit all kids stay with mum until age 10 unless circumstances are weird...i am not legal so please go check everything out but i have done this thats all keep chin up dont let him see you frown it hurts him more to see you happy believe me x

Original poster
hallmark · 27/04/2007 22:21

Thank you all so much the truth only came out three weeks ago and i am still very raw whilst he has suddenly become very angry and bitter. it was only tonight he decided to turn so i have been unable to get legal advice but plan to do this asap

OP posts:
NKF · 27/04/2007 22:23

He's probably finally realising the consequnces of his actions. Stay strong.

October · 27/04/2007 22:48

Message withdrawn

hayes · 27/04/2007 22:54

My situation was similar to yours , I stayed in the marital home but after approx 3 months I moved into a rented property as I couldn't stand my ex snooping around during the day when I was at work, making himself lunch leaving dishes in the sink and even worse leaving me begging letters in my bed!

once he knew we were OVER it calmed down.

I think if the children are going over to sleep at his he is being very unreasonable to expect you not to know where

Original poster
hallmark · 27/04/2007 22:55

october...your comment has most certainly given me food for thought. through all this i have been very reasonable to the point of allowing him his precious plasma screen tv and crappy dvd collection, i only want what is right for the kids. his anger is most annoying as i have done nothing wrong, for six months i was even prepered to take him back and all the time he was living with another woman and giving me crappy excuses not to stay over night!

OP posts:
Fubsy · 27/04/2007 22:55

Seems odd, not to give you the address - I wouldnt be happy about my DD going somewhere if I didnt know whre she was! What if you fell ill or had to go to hospital while they were with him?

Original poster
hallmark · 27/04/2007 22:57

hayes my ex has never even said he was sorry for the affair least of all begged me to come back he just snoops so see what i am up to!yet will not even allow me to know where my children will be spending the night!

OP posts:
Original poster
hallmark · 27/04/2007 22:59

fubsy i agree and this is the crux of my argument. it is made worse by the fact that when my father in law died i was unable to contact my ex as he was not were he said he was surely he can see my concern

OP posts:
AlittleworstforwareUpsadaisy · 28/04/2007 08:41

{{{{hugs}}}}for you and children. Definately see a solicitor you have rights too. What an ass to refuse giving out address.....agree with October he probably realises he's being unreasonable hence him turning.

happytalk · 28/04/2007 09:12

Perhaps he is a bit paranoid about something else,unconnected with you.There are loads of things for example,(just off the top of my head)-what if he was living with someone who had a criminal record (didnt used to be allowed in the POlice,I think),or he is getting a Police rent allowance and he is living with someone who hasnt or wont pass the vetting.Sounds like he is trying to protect something-but if it was a female friend-have you given him reason to have to act like this?

happytalk · 28/04/2007 09:29

Perhaps today you coud look at the website of shelter.They are the experts on housing issues,I am sure they would advise you about whether you can change the locks or not.

Original poster
hallmark · 28/04/2007 09:40

thank you happy talk i will look into shelter. he does not get rent allowence as he joined the police to late!when i first found out about his affair in september i did approach his parents and family and created a scene at both these addressess (i have since resolved these issues with all parties) however i have learnt my lesson and never behaved like this since.

OP posts:
Katrunchken · 28/04/2007 18:59

If i were you hallmark i think i would write everything down for him. He must think you gonna go and trash his lovenest.
Tell him why you want to know his address. Dont say its cos of anything he is gonna do, but in light of his dads death etc etc. What if he had the kids and someone in you family had to get in touch with him if you were in an accident or whatever.
policemen think they are above the law.
See someone asap.
(((((((hugs)))))))

rabbleraiser · 28/04/2007 19:10

Poor lass . What a situation, both emotionally and practically.

I can only reiterate what others have said on this thread. There are no legal grounds on which your ex can expect you to leave your children at an unknown address. It would be classed as negligence, at best.

He hasn't a leg to stand on, and you have two. Seek the advice that you need to seek and proceed only with your children's best interests at heart (which you have been doing, and which you'll continue to do).

He will come to regret his decision very swiftly. Don't ever regret yours.

Original poster
hallmark · 29/04/2007 08:21

thank you for your support it is easy sometimes to loose sight of what you are doing and give up for an easy life. he now claims he has to sell the house to pay legal fees, and as i dont want to moveit would be easy to give up!
however he knows i am down and emotionally unsettled and is using that to his advantage your encouragement is very helpful. sometimes i feel it is only me who has ever been through something like this

OP posts:
Janos · 29/04/2007 11:28

hallmark so sorry you are going through this. What a bastard!

To address your practical points first, there is NO WAY he can force you to sell the house as that is your home and I can tell you now no court will grant him full custody of the kids!

Also, if you have the children full time he is legally required to pay you maintenance.

Don't let him bully you!

And come back here for support whenever you need it. Take care!

grandad · 29/04/2007 12:11

Hi Hallmark

I cannot understand why he does not wish you to know his address. My son who is in the forces has separated from his wife. The separation came after he had returned from a tour in the middle east. His ex is now living with another member of the unit and my son has now remarried. Although they dislike each other (I don't know why) they do know where each other live and when my grand son had to go into hospital his ex told him the time and date so he could arrange to be there. My grandson and grandaughter go on holiday with them. They are 7 adn 5 years old. the only thing I have a problem with is that my son does not like me contacting his ex.

The law is with you don't be bullied.

speccy · 29/04/2007 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hallmark · 29/04/2007 17:59

thank you all so much for your support it is great comfort to me
my ex came around today and was in a very amicable mood and we even talked about financial matters!
however the address is still abig issue. he says he does not want trouble at his new rented property as the owner lives close by and that he is cncerned about me coming around effecting his job! he is a cop for god sake not the pm! any how at least for now things have settled still going for legal advice next week. he seems to think that just because he says i am not entitled to the information that i will trust him on that he doesnt know every thing legal

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 29/04/2007 18:12

He doesn't want you to know the address because he is living there with the woman.