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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

akward seperations

46 replies

hallmark · 27/04/2007 22:11

After 7 month of suspicion i have just discoverd that my dh has been having an affair. I am obviously distaught about this. We have two daughters aged 5 and 4. he is a full time copper i a part time nurse. since this discovery he has left the family home and is apparently living alone in a new rented house. he is still named on our mortgage.
he has agreed to give us 400 per month for the children this is in line with CSA recommendations
He now want the children overnight but is refusing to give me his new address in case of absolute emergencie. i have said that in this case i would prefere the children not to stay with him.
He has become very nasty over this issue and demanded i sell the house and he will fight me through the courts for full custody of the kids!!!
so does he have to give me his address??
if we are selling the property would he have to pay half the mortgage in the intrim period?
and i have discovered he continues to snoop around the house when i am out can i change the locks?
can anyone help please.
I feel at my wits end and any help would be greatly recieved

OP posts:

mylittlestar · 29/04/2007 18:52

completely agree with soupdragon. he's not living alone, he's living there with her, and does not want you to go round. there would be no other reason not to tell you.

also are you getting divorced? will he let you put his affair as the reason? i'm guessing he probably won't. and won't admit to it. therefore, having you turn up at the place he now lives in with his new woman, would mean he had to tell the truth!

i'm so sorry you're going through this. it sounds like hell andyou have been so reasonable. over and above what he deserves!

i have no idea on the legal side but i would hope that you don't have to let your children go and stay if he cannot give you the courtesy of letting you know where they will be. i really hope this all works out for you.

and you're right not to trust a thing he says. get legal advice and get everything in writing.

and putting that extra lock on your door (to make you feel secure) was a great idea and one i think you should do. i'd also get a house alarm (or change the number on your current one). again, telling him you need to feel more secure and surely he would have no objections to extra locks and an alarm to protect his children!! the cheek of him snooping around your house whilst not even telling you where he lives good luck!

SoupDragon · 29/04/2007 20:04

IIRC, you can not put any extra locks on the door if his name is on the mortgage. He is entitled to have access to his property.

NKF · 29/04/2007 20:07

Surely if he no longer lives there, he can't just walk in though. Landlords have to give notice don't they?

SoupDragon · 29/04/2007 20:10

It isn't the same situation at all though. There's no rental agreement for a start.

mylittlestar · 29/04/2007 20:33

soupdragon that makes sense, hadn't thought of it like that

hallmark definitely get the legal advice as soon as you can

NKF · 29/04/2007 20:34

But sometimes separating couples don't sell the house until the children are grown up. Can an ex husband really walk in and make himself a sandwich and have a nap and do what he likes even if he doesn't want to actually live there any more.

mylittlestar · 29/04/2007 20:36

Good point! I have no idea! I wonder if it would all need to be agreed in writing or something though, so that even if his name is on the mortgage he gives up the right to use the property as his own...

No idea!

speccy · 29/04/2007 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

hallmark · 30/04/2007 08:15

i am making an appointment today to see the solicitor. what really bugs me is that when i am in he knocks before comming in but when i am out he snoops around looing at what i am doing on the computer searching my diary and stuff.
it was a good point made earlier about divorce we have not yet said what we plan to do but currently i cannot prove his affair as he has never confessed if i knew he was living with someone i would have more grounds.
kids came home from his yester day they are not allowed in his bed room but did see two handbags! and a sponge bob cuddly toy!

OP posts:

mylittlestar · 30/04/2007 16:46

she's obviously staying there then, if not living there full time. do men think we're all bloody stupid!!

did you make a solicitor appointment?

do you even know if you want to get divorced? or do you want to try counselling or something to work things out?

you can always get a private detective to confirm your suspicions if he's awkward! it was on GMTV last week that it's becoming quite common apparently!!

and the cheek of him going through your pc and diary
(you sound better off without him tbh)

NKF · 30/04/2007 17:18

At the risk of sounding like one of those women who roll their eyes and mutter "men", there is almost certainly another woman. Men don't leave wives and children unless there is another woman in the picture. There will be exceptions but basically that's how it is. Ask any family lawyer.

mistressmiggins · 30/04/2007 20:08

I have been through this 18 mths ago

door - we have 2 locks on the front door - a normal yale & another 5 lever one - unfortunately the 5 lever one broke so I had to get another one fitted - I have not given him this key but he does have the yale one so technically I have not locked him out - great peace of mind once I did this
legal advice - free half hour; CAB; legal aid if you're not working BUT go & get advice b4 his maintenance starts appearing in your bank account - the solicitor will assess you when you 1st go & if you're not getting money from your H then you may get legal aid
is your pc in a separate room? if so, get down to B&Q and put a lock on the door - then every time you go out, put everything in that room - he cant complain as you can say he left etc & you dont trust him - I did this to my ex the day after he left & he went MAD when he found he couldnt get at the computer
you have 2 children. You will more than likely get 75% of any equity in the house. if you cant afford to sell house & BOTH get a new one, you wont have to move & he will have to wait for his money until the children are grown up
address - agree hes protecting darling GF - worried you'll go round or ring up - mine tried this - I refuse to let the kids go to his without an address AND the land line incase of emergencies.
legal fees - tough luck - you wont have to sell house to pay for his - he will have to drink less or not go out
if you want out, you can go for adultery with 3rd party unknown, or unreasonable behaviour

will right more if think of anything

come & get support - he is trying to undermine you - there are plenty of us who've been through it, there is a lady who works at CAB on here so we do have knowledge

DONT LET HIM BULLY YOU - if its over, you need to fight for you & your kids future cos he now has another woman who has his ear & wont have your interests at heart

NKF · 30/04/2007 20:10

I think you can password protect a computer as well. I don't know how to but I'm sure someone on here could talk you through it.

Original poster

hallmark · 01/05/2007 09:48

thanks all
there is defo someone else i have spoken to her and she says she "loves him to bits" the only uncertainty is are they living together. i think it is proberbly only part time as some night he text me loads and last night he never even responded when i said the kids were a bit ill (she proberbly gets jelouse, well if he can do it to me he can do it to her)
he has spoken about money and was in a much more reasonable mood on sunday. he no longer wants to sell the house but has not yet asked for the kids overnight so the address issue has not come up since
i am seeking legal advice on wednesday so hope i will gain some clarity.
as for the pc every time i go on i clear the cookies history and the likes so he cannot tell what i am looking at.

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mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 11:09

how did you manage to speak to the other woman? are you ok?

does sound like she's only staying there now and again if some nights he's texting you all night and others he doesn't even reply even when you say your children aren't well
she may even have a partner herself who she's cheating on!

hope the legal advice goes well today xx

Original poster

hallmark · 04/05/2007 10:09

well i found her number on an old mobile phone my husband used whilst his was getting repaire i called her up told her dh and i had seperated (this was a lie) and asked her a few questions she was very forthcomming and to make her feel at ease i called her sweet heart and the likes. i kept my cool whilst wanting to puke.

the solicitor was very helpful and i seem to be in a very strong position he cannot force me to sell the house with out a court order and the courts would proberbly decided i could stay as it is only a modest abode.

i could change the loacks to safe gaured my possessions but it would proberbly cause a huge stink so holding off for now.

if he doesnt give me the address i am within my rights to prevent the kids from staying over .
so all in all i feel tons happier

OP posts:

mylittlestar · 04/05/2007 18:28

great news. so pleased that you found all this out and have a bit of control back. knowing where you stand helps so much.

stay strong. you're doing great so far. let us know how you are xx

Original poster

hallmark · 07/05/2007 19:27

thank you for your support i have read your thread and know you have been through a similar experience.
i feel o vulnerable to advise others on what to do but knowing that you have had ahared experience and are comming through it is of great comfort to me!

OP posts:

Original poster

hallmark · 16/05/2007 09:56

well things have been going ok with me and my ex until.....he requested the kids to sleep at his this weekend and still refuses to giive me his address. he sent me a text saying he was being reasonable and i would be sorry if i did not co operate (not sure what he means). and that he wasnt asking me he was telling me he was having them! the nerve of the man.
anyway nothing else has been said but he is calling around today to drop of a toy for the kids and i will have to raise the issue. but i am dead nervous and not sure what to say any thought please?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 16/05/2007 10:01

Just tell him you've take legal advice and you do not have to let the children stay overnight if he will not give you proof of his address where they will be staying.

mylittlestar · 16/05/2007 10:43

agree with SD

stay strong. he's being an arse xx

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