Will it ever happen? DHs weight.

[TheThird]

Okay I feel really bad for posting this but it’s making me so miserable.

I have been on at DH to lose weight for a while, it will be good for his health, I’d like to do more active things together and to be brutally honest, I’d like to find him sexually attractive again.

I have talked to him about it many times, about 6 months ago we had a v serious talk about it, which I thought he understood.

Normally what happens is he diets a little bit, loses a couple of pounds and after a few weeks it’s back to normal.

This isn’t fair for either of us, and I’m starting to think it will never happen.

Anyone have any success stories? Or tips!

You wanting him to lose weight is not enough. He needs to want it too. Why is he overweight? Is it a sudden thing?

I'm afraid it's not something in which you can have a free choice. Sounds like you've made your concerns for his health clear already.

Sorry not a success story. We have a serious talk about this every few months and nothing changes so I’ve given up now.
I’m hoping someone else posts with advice because I’m unsure what to do as well.

It’s been a gradual increase, it’s mainly due to eating too much.

I can prepare healthy meals, throw away the snacks but it doesn’t help. I also suggest we do exercise, but it doesn’t make a difference. I guess as showofhands says, he needs to want it.

It really pains me, I can’t help not finding him attractive any more. I feel so bad about it.

You are powerless in this situation . You didn’t cause his weight gain and you can’t control it. You might care about his health , being more active and having a better sex life, but he doesn’t . At least not as much as he cares about that next pizza / biscuit / beer.

As a PP said, he won’t lose weight until he wants to.

All you can control here is your own actions. Either stay and dont mention it again, and accept that your life will be confined by his weight. Find ways around it - do Sport and activities with other friends.

Or if that’s a deal breaker for you, leave.

Don’t stay and go on about it because it won’t work and it will make you both unhappy.

I posted about this on another thread.

I bought DH PT sessions for his 40th. He lost 7st over 3 years and has kept the weight off (is now 45).

It was the incentive he needed to do something about it - and his snoring / sleep apnoea has gone, he has loads more energy, is fitter, more attractive etc.

He does spend lots of time at the gym but says he has no control so would rather eat what he wants (hates the thought of denying himself) and exercise loads instead.

Of course you feel bad about it. Rationally, you know that you love a person for who they are and not the packaging they're in but sometimes when they are self neglecting, it impacts upon your physical reaction to them. I think you're being honest, not unkind.

Is he at all concerned about his weight? Is he eating whilst stressed or sad or just eating the wrong stuff or the wrong portions? You probably need to address any underlying factors causing weight gain first if they exist and beyond that, I genuinely don't know.

Is there any particular physical activity you'd like to do together or train for?

And stop throwing away snacks and making special meals for him. It will just give him something to moan at you about and it’s totally ineffective . Most overweight people have a dozen method of sneaking snacks and thwarting anyone who tries to control their eating.

Don’t be that person.

He’s an adult and he needs to own 100% of the responsibility for his own weight. If it’s not bothering him them he has the right to do and be what he wants.

He says he is concerned, but has been saying that for years. Nothing is wrong other than greed as far as I know. I know it’s not easy, and all the bad food is tasty.

I’d like to do adventure type holidays, but these often require quite a bit of stamina. I’d like us to make the most out the countryside, cycling would be great.

Re snacks and food, I stopped buying snacks in general and preparing healthier food is for everyone. Not singling out dh, although I get your point.

I think it important to recognise that it probably won’t happen. Success rates for dieting and keeping it off long term are around 5%. Even most people who have heart attacks aren’t successful. Maybe your DH will be in the 5%, probably he won’t. It’s so much more complicated than eat less, move more.

My DH is about 4 stone over weight. He has been for most of our marriage. I’m leaving him partly because of his suicidal disregard for his health. He now has high blood pressure and doesn’t take the medication regularly.

I on the other hand have always kept fit, I enjoy it. We don’t share a love for it.

Ironically now that we have separated and he’s moved out he’s joined my gym promising a huge lifestyle change.

I think I just need to find someone else who genuinely shares my passion

Think we will need to have another chat a time the weekend, I guess we just don’t find the same things important.

You need to stop "chatting" to him about it. It doesn't help. At All. And no doubt you do a little bit of damage to your relationship each time.

There is no answer to this op. No chat in the world ever made anyone motivated to lose weight. Just leave the man be.

While I agree nothing is likely to happen, we will still need to talk even if it’s good bye.

I was waiting for someone to say what I was thinking. Redannie did.
Have you e at tried to find out why he overratedrather than make him feel bad about it?
Most people put on weight as they get older, I get that you are worried about his health but your op doesn't sound very kind.
If this was reversed you would have got v different responses I feel.
How can you continue to comment on someone's personal appearance, probably making him feel shittier in the process and if you don't want to have sex with him anymore perhaps you should let him find someone who does.

redannie118, not really helpful is if? I’m not abusIve. I’m unhappy and cannot help what I find attractive.

If it were the other way around I’d want to know.

ALittleBitConfused1, I am never mean to him about it, I’m alwahs trying to be as supportive as possible. You may well be right, he is a catch and perhaps we will both be happier.

Again it wouldn’t matter if it were me or him, you can’t help feeling like this.

He knows. You’ve already told him. He knew before that too. And you know that you’re not ‘helping’ by repeatedly mentioning it

In sickness and in health OP. Get him a fitbit! My DH is bonkers about his and has lost 8lb in 3 weeks! 4st to go!!

I really don’t think he did, it was only the last time it sunk in, even then he didn’t get the severity of the situation.

All I want is my old dh back.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly, fantastic news.

He has a Fitbit and is quite good with it actually, but I think he eats more to make up for it.

redannie if I gorged myself and sat on my are spreading outwards that would be my choice and my right but I wouldn't be surprised if my partner found me less attractive.
I don't get this 'love them no matter what' bollocks.
Ill health that you have no control over fair enough but filling your face full of crap and doing fuck all. No way.

*arse

Your post makes me glad I have a relationship that is more than skin deep.

I'm sure it helps him feel good about himself to know how unacceptable he is to you. People change, you're supposed to love them enough that it doesn't matter.