Will it ever happen? DHs weight.

[TheThird]

Okay I feel really bad for posting this but it’s making me so miserable.

I have been on at DH to lose weight for a while, it will be good for his health, I’d like to do more active things together and to be brutally honest, I’d like to find him sexually attractive again.

I have talked to him about it many times, about 6 months ago we had a v serious talk about it, which I thought he understood.

Normally what happens is he diets a little bit, loses a couple of pounds and after a few weeks it’s back to normal.

This isn’t fair for either of us, and I’m starting to think it will never happen.

Anyone have any success stories? Or tips!

His body his choice. He would probably love to be slim and fit but he is too greedy/lazy/unmotivated to do anything about it. I am overweight too and I would be very hurt if my dh 'kept on at me' about it, even if I knew it was because he was concerned about me. As pp said he knows he is overweight, you yammering on about it won't help, it will just make him feel like shit. You can encourage and support him if he decides to do something about it, but ultimately it's up to him.

I've said this on other threads, but MN's low carb bootcamp is great. Head over there for inspiration. Easiest, best way of eating I've ever known.

So are some of you saying that if your partner put on a lot of weight and we're generally quite different to when you married (looks, laziness, etc.) you wouldn't have different thoughts about them? Honestly?

I think you should try and find a friend to do fun active stuff with. your dp has chosen to be fat there is nothing you can do to change that, but you don't have to put up with it if you don't want to.

I am in a similar position, OP. My DH is around 5 (possibly 8) st overweight, he is very tall & typical Scandinavian type build so he doesn't look quite so overweight, but he is. He's been promising for over a decade that he's going to lose weight & get a bit fitter, it never happens. I don't know what to do. He does have physical mobility issues but is still reasonably mobile (more than me, I am disabled & my BMI is fine - I am aware I rarely get enough exercise, so I watch what I eat). I love him dearly & don't want to be a young widow. I think he will not live long enough to see DD grow up to be an adult, but he won't talk about it.

I think this is the only thing that would have stopped me marrying him, had I known - not the idea of him being overweight, but knowing that we probably won't get to grow old together. And I have no-one to talk to in RL.

There are so many disingenuous comments on this thread. It's all very well saying 'my relationship is more than skin deep ' but there is a BASIC BIOLOGICAL need to find your partner attractive. This goes BOTH ways.
When you first meet someone there has to be a degree of physical attraction. It may not always be there straight out but a combination of looks and character make them attractive to you. That attraction can be fat, thin, black white brown , tall short , blonde redhead. All kinds of different combinations. The important thing is that it's YOUR attraction.

If your life partner then changes so that the attraction is completely changed . Be that thin to fat, or fat to thin etc then the attraction WILL go.
This is different to love. It is entirely normal to love someone to bits but not to fancy them.
This becomes a problem especially if you are still young because sex will still be very important aspect of your relationship. To enjoy sex you must find someone attractive. If you don't , it's simply not enjoyable. Nor do you want to do it. Lack of sex is a relationship killer.
If you are prepared to live without sex then it's possible for a relationship to survive. If you aren't then it's time to be really honest and tell him. You have to be honest and explain how you feel and explain that you will leave the relationship.

If he has a bmi over 40 or a bmi over 35 with sleep apnea, high bp, or diabetes. (Some other diseases also qualify) then get him to ask his Dr to refer him for Bariatric surgery. It's a six month 'pathway' including dietitian and a psychologist - and he may find that he doesn't need surgery but is able to lose on his own. But the reality is that the ONLY long term sustainable, scientifically proven route to sustained weight loss is Gastric sleeve or bypass. On his own the odds are against him. Bmi over 35 there is a 1:135 chance of getting back to Bmi 21-25 and sustaining it for 5yrs. and 1:620 for BMI over 40.

Exercise does not make you lose weight. It makes you fitter. Eating less than you move is the only thing to make you lose weight. It's simply not possible to sustain the amount of exercise it requires for an obese person to lose weight.

My DP used to be 4/5 stone overweight before I met him and he took up exercising and healthy eating. I wouldn’t have found him attractive how he was and it does sting him slightly that he knows this is the case but I can’t help feeling like that.

As it happens, he drives me nuts occasionally with his reasonably strict diet and exercise routine but he does have an amazing body and as a result I’m much fitter and healthier than I was. We are very physically attracted to one another as a result and that brings us closer together in a way I haven’t experienced before.

If he were to gain weight I would struggle to feel the same way in terms of physical attraction but because I love him I too would encourage him to take better care of himself, if he didn’t then I would find it hard to overcome that as I would miss the attraction and closeness.

STOP waiting for him to get his shit together. Go hiking yourself! Go bike riding, walking, working out, whatever. Take control of YOU. Get in the best shape of your life and don't look back. Only he is responsible for the condition he is in, and only he can make the choice to change. If you can't live with what he has let himself become, then it's time to move on.

There’s likely something underlying the weight gain that you’ll need to understand first.

You mean he needs to understand first.

If you can't live with what he has let himself become, then it's time to move on.

This

I understand that you think you are supportive and encouraging, but if his mindset is not in the right place for him to want to lose weight your support will come across as massive pressure and will perpetuate the pressure and failure circle.
When his mindset is right then he will need very little support from you and will do it for himself, but only HE can get his head in the right place to lose weight.

Out of interest how much overweight is he? Are you talking a few stone, or is he morbidly obese?

I too have a DH that is a over weight with a beer belly - but you know what - I fancy the fuck out of him. When we married, he was a lot slimmer and over the years, age and kids, desk job etc came he's let it go a bit but I never stop showing him affection and telling him how much I love him - we go through phases of healthy eating/exercise he's now joined a gym, weight watchers, when he comes home he is so excited when he's lost weight and when he's doing great I'm there to cheer him on, when he's not doing so great I'm there to support and encourage and when he wants a big slice of cake I'm there to eat half (half the calories!)

OP, I posted something similar years ago and was shot down. DH has put on about 8 stone since we got together 20 years ago, and does absolutely no exercise. He snores terribly as well, so much so that I need to wear ear plugs every night and if we go away as a family we have to book 2 rooms as the DCs can't sleep in the same room as him.
I do tell DH that I worry about his eating habits (he does shift work so it's difficult/impossible to eat at "normal" times), and that I'm worried about his health, but at the end of the day I can't change him. I still love him but I don't fancy him as much as I used to when he was slimmer, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that as a PP mentioned.
I don't really know what to say that helps, other than you're not alone in this situation and ultimately you can't make him change his habits.

For me, it’s not the looks/size I find unattractive but the laziness and lack of motivation.

I also sleep with earphones in, due to DH snoring. I have to have something to listen to - music, or an audio book as "white noise", to drown it out. He refuses to admit his snoring is a problem.

I think it's selfish to be very overweight, so I'm with you OP. He's putting his health at risk. Do you have kids? It would repulse the fuck out of me if my dh was too fat to go for bike rides etc with them. No idea what you do about it though. I'm half a stone over the recommended weight for my height and I'm doing all I can to lose it.

What a load of crap to suggest you are meant to fancy your partner no matter how much they change or endanger their health. I reckon this is spouted by the people who put their arses on the couch and stuff their faces with unhealthy food.

I couldn’t fancy my partner if he had such little disrespect for his health and our sex life that he chose to pile on the pounds.

It’s not true that as you get older you immediately put on weight, I’m in my early 50’s and my weight has been pretty consistent most of my life, which is down to exercise and not eating too much junk food,

I think we owe it to our families and ourselves to be healthy.