Am I overreacting - personal comments

[Tracey1313]

Something my husband said on the weekend has really upset me. Had me crying most of the weekend as I feel he's knocked my self confidence a lot.
So he was trying to park the car in a tiny gap and he said the space was 'tighter than a nuns (bits)
I know I guess I walked into as you do but I asked him
What my 'bits' were like, you get the drift. His response was 'well you have had a few kids'.
I can't believe it's upset me that much. He's apologised and said he meant it as a joke, but now I'm really upset over it. I told him I'd have never put him down like that so personally. It's really bothering me now. So much so I don't even want him near me and can't even think about wanting sex with him again. Feel betrayed now. Do you think I'm overreacting?

Yes. It's also an awful expression. Would you talk about male anatomy so flippantly and would he be ok with that?

LTB

How horrible. I would be really upset too, I have asked my husband the same thing (not that he'd use that disgusting expression, just had things changed after kids) and he's always said he can't tell a difference.

This kind of thing, even in jest, really upsets me - childbirth and pregnancy can really damage women's bodies and I'm quite insecure about mine after having really bad tearing etc after DS1. If DH said anything like that I would be so hurt and also raging because, let's face it, men have no idea about what childbirth can do and therefore should keep their mouths shut.

I think you are massively overacting. Everyone changes over time. You have good reasons for the changes and you must have wondered about them to even ask the question. You got a not serious answer that wasnt a complaint and presumably he hasnt mentioned any problems with the changes.

I mean, if your entire self worth and approach to sex is based on how you looked and felt three kids ago then perhaps you need some support to deal with how your body has changed.

Did you expect him to lie? How would you have preferred him to answer the question?

It is really hard to judge an entire marriage on the basis of one conversation, which may inadvertently happen here.

What is your husband usually like? Does he tend to make flip comments like the one you described normally? If he is usually a bit of a joker, inclined towards throwaway comments that may be a bit non-PC or insensitive, then you probably are over-reacting, but that doesn't mean that what he said hasn't upset you.

I don't think you can suddenly be completely repelled by one comment - specially in the context of the conversation above. It is that age old question "Does my bum look big in this?" - do you want the real answer of the 'right' answer?

If your husband is not normally the kind of guy who would manage the "Does my bum look big in this?" with tact, sensitivity and diplomacy then he probably wasn't going to handle a question about the state of your vagina after a few children with those skills either.

I'm probably not helping - but hopefully you can see what I'm getting at.

He didn't start the conversation well, likening a parking place to a nun's vagina and it didn't get better from there on.

Do you think his apology was sincere?

I think it’s hurtful but i think it’s tapped into something you’re obviously a bit conscious of so while he’s an idiot for saying it I don’t think he would have meant to upset you this much. The saying don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to comes to mind.

I know. I did walk into it. But I’d never dream of putting my husband down personally in that way. If roles were reversed I would have replied with - your perfect for me.

I understand why you are upset.

mistermagpie's DH is obviously very kind and tactful, gentle and truly loving.

The truth is being a mother does mean the body changes, & your DH unfortunately did not know when to tell a white lie. Also what is upsetting is the sense that he is thinking about it rather than taking it as often being part of the reality of life. (And the creepy thoughts about nuns.)

I gather in France, after giving birth, women are given a course of physiotherapy for the pelvic floor as a matter of course, so the French must be conscious of this too.

I do think his apology is sincere. But at the same time it’s nit an easy comment to get over.

Well he's still with you and you probably are perfect for him.
I think you are over-reacting.
You asked and he answered.
He didn't say, good grief woman you have big massive bits hanging out all over the place.
He simply pointed out that you'd had a few kids so of course your 'bits' are not going to be the same as someone who's never had sex.
That's a given.
Please let this go.
It's just not that big a deal and you are letting it get you down and that is not good!

What's he usually like though Tracey1313 - would he usually say "You are perfect for me" or similar?

I'm not sure why you asked tbh.

let's face it, men have no idea about what childbirth can do and therefore should keep their mouths shut.

I think a lot of men do and then accept whatever changes have happened as a consequence. Its those that dont are the problem surely?

The problem is that an incredible amount of self-worth seems to be tied up in a tight, virginal vagina. Hence the ridiculous trend of "vaginal rejuvenation".

Hence the ridiculous trend of "vaginal rejuvenation"
Your post is the first time I've heard about that Scottish. That's sad, if that becomes new expectation.

www.nytimes.com/2004/11/28/fashion/the-most-private-of-makeovers.html

Its been going on for a while. This article is 13 years old.

Does your husband have a dry sense of humour? This is the exact sort of response my husband would give me, knowing full well that he's joking.

Mr Shockers would say something similar, as a joke... but I’d rib him too. Is your DH usually very sincere, or does he enjoy a bit of daftness?

He told the truth nothing wrong with that.Can he handle the truth next time he asks you a difficult question?

I don’t think he could handle the truth tbh. Although I think I have enough discretion and thought not to say it. Prob is I let it play on my mind too much. Has anyone read that book - How Not To Give a app it teaches you to care about what truly matters. DH can be insensitive at times. It’s good to hear the truth but in a nice way if you know what I mean.

Oh jeez. Massive over reaction!!!

You asked a question. He answered. You then get upset over his answer. Poor man can’t win can he

If you can’t handle the truth don’t ask questions where you may not like the answer.

Can’t believe some people are saying ltb 😂

Oh, and I would’ve laughed at his answer But then we have similar humour

Sorry op, but I can't imagine getting upset in the context you describe. If you've had a few kids vaginally then yeah, you'll have changed down there. It's hardly possible not to, I think! In fact I think I may have had a similar conversation with DH in the past and he commented that it was a bit different. Completely not bothered by it.

Are you particularly concerned about your body/appearance in general, compared to others?

I think you’re overreacting too.

He made a jokey (albeit totally crass) comment, you asked a question and he replied in the same vein. If you’d been watching a documentary about birth injuries and asked him the same, I’m sure he would have replied a lot more sensitively. He misjudged his audience and has apologised.

Completely overreacting imo. Even from your post, you can tell it was meant as a joke. To be honest, it sounds like something my DP would say and I would just respond with someone equally insulting and forget about it and go about my day. To say you never want to have sex with him again because he made one silly comment makes me think you seriously need to find yourself a grip. Sorry but poor DH.

I can totally see why you're upset, I would be too. I think he just answered without thinking - it doesn't sound like he went out of his way to upset you on purpose though. I think that many women probably don't feel exactly the same after kids etc than somebody who's never had sex/given birth, so perhaps he thought it was just a given/common knowledge (in general) without trying to be critical.

I would accept his apology but ask him how would he feel if his bits were significantly smaller (or whatever) because of pregnancy and if you flippantly/casually commented on it.