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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How often do you have sex?

82 replies

arewenormal · 28/07/2004 07:57

DH and I have never had a very active sex life but since having DS two years ago we've only had sex three times! Is this normal? I think we'd both like to have sex more often but perhaps only because we think we 'should'. Is it the same for everyone or is everyone else shagging like bunnies??

OP posts:
Titania · 16/08/2004 10:00

oh REB....poor you. How are you?

reallyembarrassedbut · 16/08/2004 10:07

see threads passim, "Dissapointed with your sex life" and so on- I shan't moan too much here, but I do miss being held. Obviously I miss "sex" too, but there's a lot that goes with it, if you see what I mean

Titania · 16/08/2004 10:09

REB not sure if you know but its me, lonelymumof3...this is my new name. I hope you are ok

allthegirls · 16/08/2004 10:09

I just miss being wooed! Want to do the whole night? Dinner and a couple of glasses of wine and back to the kids in bed!!

reallyembarrassedbut · 16/08/2004 10:13

sorry lm, wasn't thinking.

Empress · 21/08/2004 20:06

R.E.B - is your wife having an affair? Why aren't you? surely one or both of you needs to get your oats somewhere! there are plenty of people in the world, it seems a sad waste of life to condemn yourselves to celibacy just cos you're married to each other.

Jollymum · 22/08/2004 20:31

REB-just read this thread and worked out you're a man. You are either the nicest , most frustrated, resigned guy on the planet or not for real. I have a hit/miss attitude to sex , to quote whoever it was, my Dh is nasty without sex, harps on constantly about it and jumps me whenever he can. BUT...sometimes he tries it on whenever I'm sleepy and TBH, it's cool. Not the wild throes of passion we'd expect, but we have four kids and doing it on the stairs or whenever isn't possible any more. We can't slope off to bed early because the teen goes to bed later than us and his room is below ours!! Have you reached stalemate talking and how are things otherwise? Do you have a laugh, go out or just live for the kids? You must feel bitter/sad/why me and so must your Dw. Do you know how she feels and if she genuinely doesn't want/can't have sex, then you must love her so much she should be (and probably is crying inside) so bloody grateful that you have lost sight of real love/sex. I've been to therapists etc who told me I had a duty to my man etc etc but I have worked it out now. Men need sex, but any sex is better than none. Grudging "Ok. let's get on with it" is demeaning for men but they need it and will accept it.. Most men would want their partners to be involved, preferably awake(?!) but genuine nice guys want their partners to enjoy it and should have the skills/technique to help with this. Having had a previous relationship where I shuddered if I was touched by the person, I now realise why he went astray. It wasn't my fault my marriage fell apart, someone else was there and he was human. He made a big mistake and lost me. When I found my new DP, sex was brilliant but time tells. The difference is that however often we do it, and it's rare, we love each other and do have "cuddles, no strings!", in my words. Everyone needs to feel wanted and everyone needs cuddles off a special person. Women often use their kids for this but men need their partners and I feel for you. Maybe you could ask for a cuddle, no strings and if you feel aroused, leave her alone and walk away. It would be hard for you (no pun intended!) but let her know she's loved, however, whatever. Good luck.XXX

sportyspice · 22/08/2004 21:06

On average about 4 times a week sometimes 5 but depends on how many sleepless nights i've had!
Things haven't really changed since the dd's came along apart from the ability to be quite so spontaneous!! My dh could have it every night and it still wouldn't be enough!!

nutcracker · 22/08/2004 21:17

Not very often, maybe about 3 times a month.
We did go 11 mths without it at all as i just didn't fancy it.

I think sometimes though you forgett what your missing iykwim. I had just got used to not having any but once we got back into the swing of things (so to speak) then it was fine.

Dp would quite willingly have sex every day though.
He is also one who's idea of romance is to say "do you fancy a shag", drives me mad.
He also has a prob telling the difference between affection and sex. To him it's all the same.

lavender1 · 22/08/2004 21:25

Nutcracker, do you mean he wont throw his arms around you whenever, just for the hell of it, or ask you to sit with him on the sofa or say would you put stockings on for me, if you fancy it??

lavender1 · 22/08/2004 21:35

but you know the nights I am on mumsnet and go to bed alone and dh is asleep when i go to bed i feel a bit strange but when we spend the evenng together, go up together and then have great sex am on top of the world because if my relationship is good and we are physically intimate which is a very important part of a marriage, as important as breathing imho, then evry other part of my day seems to be good too.....I do think if you are not having sex at least once maybe twice a week then that is not an intimate relationship (despite what people say about not doing it much).....as marriage is very much supposed to be sharing mind/body and soul (and it's funny because the more you do it the more you want it......so my advice to anyone not doing it enough is do it more then it becomes habit (please don't slate me for being so ope with my thoughts here (everyone should be having sex at least once a week/day and if not seek help because it could jepoardise your relationship)

paularadcliffe · 26/08/2004 20:14

I must need help then ;)

I disagree. Saying you should be having once a week is more likely to cause problems imo. Loads of couples have great relationships without having sex this often and it saying such generalised statements will make some people worried about how often they are having it.

Just cos so and so does it once a week doesnt mean to say we all need to.

paularadcliffe · 26/08/2004 20:14

I must need help then ;)

I disagree. Saying you should be having once a week is more likely to cause problems imo. Loads of couples have great relationships without having sex this often and it saying such generalised statements will make some people worried about how often they are having it.

Just cos so and so does it once a week doesnt mean to say we all need to.

paularat · 26/08/2004 20:42

sorry - posted twice

MammyShirl · 26/08/2004 20:50

When I was pregnant, Dh and I would take about how a child would effect our sex life - he was quite worried as we had sex or foreplay everynight. When pregnant I had periods of not feeling like it and really going for it.
Just after giving birth I was all over him like a leach but his sex drive was very low. Thinking back I guess it was an insecurity thing, needed to know he wanted this deflated shadow of his lover ;)
We had very long periods of no sex, i felt bigger downstairs iykwim so I was too self conscience and as a result could not relax. After about 8n months we started to make love once a fortnight. My dd is now 17 mths and on average "recently fingers crossed it continues" we make love twice a week. I really enjoy it now and I feel just like I did before. I think we do it more because we are less tired, tiredness is the biggest passion killer for me anyway.
I definitely think that if you feel comfortable with your body and get some early nights your sexs drive will increase. if you feel unattractive then join a gym or exercise class, just doing sports releases all the right happy hormones to improve your mood so whether or not it tones your ass you will feel like sexier.
Exercise + sleep + bikini line wax + sleep = sex
The first year of my dd's life i had no time for the above so thats why we hardly got down to it. The longer you leave it it becomes harder and an issue. Sex is not the most important ingrediant for a relationship but it helps keep you close and relieve stress together. :)
Just realised how much i've typed so i'll shut up now.

EvanMom · 26/08/2004 21:06

I need to add a post to this as reading this thread from bottom to top I found a couple of posts that made me laugh out loud. We should all write a book, you know and make millions (yeah, right) from our simple experiences. The funniest, for me was ladygarden with:

"...the day I came home from hospital after my 3 day labour and emergency section my mother took me aside and told me not to one of these women who don't give their men enough sex after having chldren as 'men need it'... and I could barely walk at the time!..."

dh and I sleep together about twice a month - but that's an average. Sometimes we sleep together two nights in a row and nothing for three or four weeks, sometimes longer. After kids are born, its ages and ages! We love each other completely. I disagree with lavender - you are talking about what works for you. Sex once a week does not mean you have a better relationship than someone who has sex once a month (or even once a year, for that matter!). dh and I have been married 10 years. I put our success down to mutual love and respect, we are great friends and we both love cuddling up in bed at the end of the day. I think he is gorgeous and he finds me sexy. We have young kids and sex is a wonderful bonus to all that!!!
x x

blueteddy · 27/08/2004 18:53

Well my husband works long 12 hour shifts as well as blocks of 7 night turns quite frequently & I am a working Mum of 2 under 5's, so it's pretty rare that either of us have the energy 4 sex!
It does not mean that we dont love each other but we do fall into the maybe once a month catagory!
If what Lavender say's is true then we should have been long since divorced!

paularat · 27/08/2004 19:19

I know a good lawyer blueteddy...;)

sunchowder · 27/08/2004 19:19

Buy kitchen accessories instead.

Lowryn · 27/08/2004 19:25

I was just watching Nick Jr with DD and the really grumpy bug cartoon reminded me of how DH gets if he isn't getting it..."PLAY WITH ME!" Sorry if you haven't seen this mini cartoon!
We prob average about once a week, but he wants more, and my libido is really low due to lack of sleep and breastfeeding. He won't jump me though...He hints and hints and waits for me to seduce him, and when I don't, he becomes...The really grumpy bug!

Chinchilla · 27/08/2004 20:18

Blueteddy - I wouldn't worry about what 'she' says. Sometimes her dh gets control of the pc and throws in the odd comment to rile us up. Intimicy is not just about sex. My dh and I are not doing too well at the moment, but sex is a symptom, not a cause.

blueteddy · 27/08/2004 20:45

Hope that things improve 4 u & your dh chinchilla.
My dh & I were having problems this time last year, just after the birth of ds2. We worked things out & are fine now but like u say, sex was a symptom, not a cause & we don't really have much more sex now that things are ok but we both know that this is due 2 complete exhaustion & not because we dont love each other.

Tessiebear · 27/08/2004 20:46

Hi Blueteddy!!! Not at all suprised to see you on this post!! (am off to France tommorow - see you soon!)

blueteddy · 27/08/2004 20:58

Ho ho ho ho!
You know me 2 well Tessiebear!

blueteddy · 27/08/2004 20:59

Oh & have a good hol & well earned rest!

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