Arghh I have the rage and no one in RL

[unhappymarmalade]

Arghh so I can’t take being in my shit marriage anymore. I have terrible depression and have been trying to get well but I think it’s my marriage causing it anyway.
I feel like I’m unable to work but also having take a year off and walked out my last two jobs, job agencies won’t touch me with a barge pole.
If I leave and get 50% of the house plus savings not subtracting divorce solicitors fees I’d probably get about £120k. The ave price of a flat in my area is £300k. Most are more but I reckon £300k would be ok. Thing is I just don’t feel well enough to work and would never get a mortgage without a job anyway.

I’m ranting because I’d just bore anyone in RL and I am sat on sofa crying as once more another year goes on and I’m feeling like shit again. I would literally walk out now with nothing if my dd wasn’t asleep upstairs. I’m sick to death of being near him.

So instead of doing the right thing I’ve transferred some money into a personal account from the joint account and gone round the house taking down wedding party pictures. And screamed into a pillow. Mature I know!! I don’t know what to do.

Two years ago I had an amazing job and a personality. I feel like he’s stolen my life from me. He’s worn me down to nothing. But I have no one in RL. And a young dd, so I’ve sat on my arse doing nothing. Just gliding along surviving. Going out with anyone who I can meet up with, pretending all is ok. Taking massive walks just to not be near him. I feel like I’m surviving. My life is just disappearing. But my friend who split with her bf told me single life is shit and she’s really struggling. I feel like I don’t want to struggle along like that and may as well watch my life from my sofa else I’ll be stuck on a different sofa broke. I know I need to make a decision but it seems so hard.

First things first, you need a plan of action. Most important is health. What is your doctor doing for you? If it's not working, can you see a different GP?

Once that's on its way, things will get easier, whatever you decide.

Every job I apply for asks for a medical history. I will be discriminated against if depression comes up and so haven’t been to the doctor. Do I want to? Absolutely.
But I’ve already had to fill in medical forms and all my jobs would not have hired me if I’d put down depression. I was involved in hiring people in two places I worked in myself and know what discrimination went on behind closed doors. On top of my employment gaps I am trying to avoid it.
I’ve been to counselling but that’s all been stopped when my health insurance under him was changed and I can’t afford it.
Thanks for the reply. I feel utterly trapped. And so stupid. I worked FT and never saw dd when she was born for two years so I wouldn’t end up like this but I didn’t leave him. Now I’m trapped and dependent on him. And he knows it.

Are you in the UK?
Are you able to apply for jobs that don't involve a medical history?

Can you move away to near supportive family or friends?

I do appreciate the quandary you're in, but are you going to be able to get well enough to leave, care for yourself and your DD, find a new job, home, etc and stand on your own two feet with no real life support without help?

Alternatively, if you think your marriage is causing you to be depressed, rather than a chemical imbalance needing medication, would individual counselling with Relate help? It used to be income related, so might be affordable for you if you're not working and would definitely be more support than you seem to be getting at the moment.

It might be a case of weighing up which is the most important; staying in the field you're in, or getting help for your depression, getting well enough to leave and finding a job that enables you to pay the bills and live for a while, rather than one which is amazing.

Thanks for the replies. I’m in U.K. No every job I applied for had a medical questionnaire. And yes I’ve been looking at moving job fields so I can try to get better and not worry but I wouldn’t get paid enough for a mortgage being a junior in something else. No I have no where to go, no family.
I have friends but my closest friend moved abroad to Australia this year and the other close friend bf left her with her young dd and she’s always saying how I shouldn’t leave because I’d be just as stuck alone.

Thanks I will look at relate as well. My h is in top 5% earners and i never get anything as a result even though I never see any of the money. But he says if I left he’d have dd 50:50 and I’d get nothing from him. I have some savings but I’d only survive after the sale of house so would have to live with him until that went through as he’s also said it would be me needing to move out if we split up or he would stay until the bitter end. So I’ve sat here plodding along. But I wake up thinking god how am I doing this anymore. I just want a break from it.

It's likely you would get more than 50% of the equity and the possibility of spousal maintenance because his earnings potential is way higher than yours.

He sounds like a complete bully. I wonder if he is aware of what he had to lose financially hence frightening you into staying?

I went to a solicitor who said because my potential earnings are also high I would not be entitled to spousal maintainable I would just be expected to get a job.
My earnings would still be less than half of what he earns though. I am looking up solicitors now and will try get an appointment in the morning.
I transferred £1k from our joint accounts something I’ve never even tried before and for the first time ever have online banking after registering today because he upset me so much. And now he’s pacing around because for once I’ve not obeyed his rules.

I feel like I’ve been dragging myself out of bed every day and I need to wake up. I already used up a lot of my own savings on getting advice from a solicitor but I think he was just taking money off of me. I am happy to admit to depression as long as I don’t want to leave myself with less options to work.
Sorry I feel like an absolute drama llama posting this but I need to breath and I have no one to talk to.

So what are you doing work wise at the moment? Are you primary carer for DC?

Sounds like you need a solicitor who is used to dealing with financially abusive situations tbh.

I have depression and borderline personality disorder. I work with children, declare on medical forms and have never had an issue. I was asked once what i did to enable me to facilitate work and they were happy when i said i was under doctors care. I think going to gp is really important. Get it sorted. Then you can declare HAD depression. It will also explain your work history, which they will look into. Better to show you are doing something about it, rather than walked out of two jobs and took a year off for 'no reason'.

Your life sounds like hell at the moment. Get your mh sorted first, and worry about the rest after. And by the rest i mean ducks in a row, job, solicitor and get rid of bullying tosser!

Won't be surprised if your mh dramatically improves once you're not being bullied everyday!

Spousal support doesn't need to be forever it could be fixed for x years whilst you get back on your feet.

If you haven't been working for a year then you are primary carer if a young child and 50:50 not appropriate if it means he is just going to use childcare!! You and DC need to be adequately housed so it is likely you will be awarded more of the equity or to stay in the marital home with him paying the mortgage for a few years before selling.

He really is bullying you, I'm not surprised you have been so unwell.

You can start the divorce process very cheaply, there is good advice on here for grounds for unreasonable behaviour. Yes you need very good legal advice in order to reach a financial settlement.

How big is your current home?

I have childcare for 4 hours a week at home but other than that and school I am primary carer.
Dd is 4 and in reception. I kept going to this solicitor to sort everything out but the solicitor kept saying that I would only get 50:50 and to expect my h to spend any savings in his name. He also said I needed to start applying for part time jobs else it will look like I’ve deliberately not worked. Which seems strange as my h is always travelling so I thought it would seem fair I was at home. It’s scared me so much that I paid the solicitor to start the divorce then chickened our and never replied to any more emails from him. I don’t want the money if I could work but I just can’t cope anymore.

In the end if I have to get treatment for depression I will I just feel right now I’m trying to protect a life I see possible if I wasn’t living the way I currently am.

You said you had a joint account, can’t you squirrel some money away? Do you want a job? You could pay for more childcare and start earning. Do you think your depression stems from the situation you are in? If so tablets are not going to help much and it’s not going to get better until you change your circumstances.
What is your OH doing that make him so unbareable? Have you just fallen out of love? You loved each other once so when did it go so wrong?

Others have had good advice on what you’d be entitled to and how to manage your depression. I had clinical depression for twenty years, and never had to ‘declare’ it to an employer. It sounds like you’re stuck in a cycle of depression - unable to work - increased depression. You need to break that, for your DC’s sake, if nothing else. I know how hellish it is and I hope you can find a way

Just a practical suggestion: how about getting a place with your single friend and her dd? Either getting a joint mortgage or taking her in as a lodger if / when your H leaves? Would help to save money and give you some stability and support. You could also share childcare.

Best of luck x

Thanks for the advice. Yes until two years ago I worked ft and had a good job but my mental health deteriorated since leaving that job for a more intense role and my h leaving me to sort everything out at home.

Before dd was born I spent every spare minute with my h and never noticed I couldn’t spend anything without him commenting on it as he was always with me. Looking back there were signs. Like when we first lived together (renting) he would scrutinise anything I’d bought on the joint account down to things under £10 but I just thought because we were saving for a house he wanted me to be careful. After house purchase we just mulled along and the first night I’d spent away from him in 4 years was the night I gave birth. After that it went downhill as I was at home on maternity for the first time I had to spend money without him. He demanded I only spent on the ccard so he could see what I was spending, he asked me to cancel all non joint ccards and I stupidly did. Every time I ordered a joint account card it ‘disappeared’ in the post. He changed passwords to my emails and I couldn’t get online banking.

I was a high rate tax payer and wearing clothes from 7 years previous just because I had no access to my money.
He would make me call up the bank in front of him on loud speaker to prove how much was in my own accounts as well, he’d put all the figures into spreadsheets then check my balance hadn’t changed since last time. Just standing over me all the time. I wasn’t ill before. It’s now I’ve broken down and I don’t want to stay this way. Job agencies keep saying I’ll be paid so much less than what I got before because of the gaps (£20k less), I don’t know how to work around school hours as no child care does pick ups/drop offs from dd school and I have no one else. Plus my head just isn’t right. I can feel the stress. I had a break and then went back to work because I wanted to divorce and then I just fell apart and my job just slipped and I left on bad terms after just quickly leaving before things got really bad.

Anything I take out the account is scrutinised. Last night I transferred £1k so I would have at least something in case I have to just go. I’m waiting to see the consequences of breaking his rules. He’s already asked for one of his ccards back. My friend with her dd lives in a 2 bed place funded by the council now. I won’t be able to go there.

Please call Women's Aid tel:0808 2000 247. They should be able to help you find a better solicitor. You should not have to live like this.

OP im pretty sure that legally you can not get advice about divorce from your husbands lawyer as it is a massive conflict of interest. You need your own lawyer to get impartial advice.

I second the advice to call Women's Aid.
They will help you.

He's the reason you're feeling like this. Once you're away from him you'll be able to rebuild your confidence and work again. There will be childcare in the forms of childminders or you could even look into getting an au pair.

Make an appointment with a different solicitor and maybe speak to women's aid. He sounds at the very least controlling and financially abusive but is probably emotionally abusive which are crimes now, so your position is stronger than you think. If he's a top 5% earner then he'll have to support you and your daughter with a percentage of his earnings and will probably need to provide housing. Not working because he's away all the time is perfectly normal and lots of people do it.

Thanks I will try womensaid. I’m also afraid he’ll see it in the phone bill as he’s mentioned numbers he doesn’t know coming up before, the solicitor was my personal one and h doesn’t know I went to them. I even told my solicitor to not email me because there’s every chance my h still checks my emails although I do try to change pw more regularly now.

I have contacted every childminder in the area and none will drop off and pick up from my dd school, Unfortunately there’s a big oversubscribed school down the road and all of the Childminder’s seem to manage that school instead (other parents have emailed my school saying can anything else be arranged as well as they offer nothing past 3:45pm so I think its not just a problem for me). An aupair is an option I’d love but I need something right now in between me not being able to afford it.

I get no funding or benefits now as my h earns too much so no chance of me getting any help until we properly split. I actually dream of going back to work but I’m in no fit state right now, but speaking to job agencies fills me with panic of explaining/lying why I’ve been out of work for so long and then be told a lot of companies won’t be happy with the gap. I do think I’d get better if I could just have the space to get better.

Sorry if I sound like I’m just answering back everyone’s suggestions but I am so desperate and feel so down. I keep turning to different options to find them not going to work out. Obviously i know it’s not so bad as some people’s situations but I just don’t want to end up receiving a small lump of equity that just gets spent and then I’m left with nothing.

Worst bit is I saw my solicitor at school drop off this morning and didn’t realise his kids were at my school. I’ve been ignoring his emails and just feel like such a twit now.

Take control, believe me this will start to make you feel better. Find out what you’re entitled to benefit wise and go and move out and rent somewhere. If it’s your dh that’s making you feel shit then leaving him will improve your health and as such, make it far easier to get a job. Even if it’s a part time job, getting back on the ladder will make you feel loads better.

I suffered from anxiety and it wasn’t until I left my ex that I realised HE was the problem

The Women's Aid number does not come up on your phone bill.
Remember to clear your browsing history on your phone or laptop.

Sending you best wishes and hopefully some bravery. Pleas contact Women's Aid as this is financial abuse. No wonder you are under so much stress. Please also see your GP