I can't possibly write down a whole 40 years here! But I am just desperate for some other perspectives - and I can take anything you say.
Background
Middle of 3 children, parents had a pretty rough upbringing. My own can only be described as fraught. My parents marriage was rocky, they're still together tho. Neither of them speak to their own families as they've managed to alienate them all with their harsh tongues or controlling with money. There were a lot of arguments, beating leaving bruises on my and my older brother (but not my younger sibling), emotional abuse, and frankly loving at a very basic level but in a totally screwed up way. I have never felt like I wasn't loved. But its left its mark - I am totally traumatised by some of the beatings. My siblings and I aren't very close as we are constantly pitched against each other and I can't remember a conversation with my parents where they don't spend the whole time slagging each sibling off, ultimately turning us off each other. My brother has pretty much cut my parents off apart from the odd visit with his kids. My sister lives close by to them, forced to by them after they controlled her enough to get her to abandon her life in another city and any boyfriend she's ever had. She is also volatile and aggressive, she beat me on my hen do and at my brothers wedding party, and she slammed my newborn down on the kitchen counter during an argument. I've kept her at arms length ever since, but it is heartbreaking as I don't think she is an awful person either. The one common thread we have? All 3 of us have been groomed to rely on my parents financially. They worked very hard for their money and gave us a great education. But working hard meant a lot of family stress, there was much quality family time. And we weren't allowed friends to the house either. Helping us financially has essentially given them total carte blanche to let their opinions run riot on our marriages, our parenting, what we spend our money on. Some I get of course and I don't know how to express my gratitude. Which I do regularly. But if we don't do as they say, they emotional and verbal abuse is debilitating so it's just been easier to go along with it all.
Me
Mum of 3, great job, extremely low self esteem. I was the quiet middle one, I never stood up to them. I would call my self the glue of the family, peacemaker as I constantly help the other two navigate my parents and calm my parents down when they've done something my parents down agree with. My mum has said I will never be as good a mum as her amongst other delightful put downs and it pretty much caused my first ever depression a couple of years ago. She is narcissism personified - only her feelings will ever count and she is unable to look at another side of a story. Im terrified of being like them, so much so, I can barely discipline my own kids. I have a loving husband who I push away thanks to my parents constantly making out he's a terrible husband and father. I can't list all the examples as to why he is not - but he's just great. And I have let them poison me against him to the point I (very wrongly) don't usually find his opinion valid. My parents have managed to make me think their word is God.
Why its come to a head
My Dad put massive pressure on us to send the kids to private school - we couldn't afford it but he said he would pay until we were on our feet. (I had to take a couple of years out for our special needs child). I worked my ass off to get an MBA (which I funded) and get an awesome job so I could try and get some financial independence and ultimately control back from them. Then two years ago he decided we shouldn't be renting and to find a house to buy, he would give us the deposit. So we looked and found one. Who would say no? In a normal family this would work just fine! Except every single conversation has been an opportunity to call me all the names under the sun. We put an offer in on a house and at the last second my Dad asked for 50% ownership for his 10% deposit.
At this point I just said to myself stop. I realised that he used to control with the fist and my mum with her tongue. But now Im too old for that (not always tho!) they do it with money. If I let them help us with a house - the control and my inner voice which is actually theirs, will never end. So I said thank you but no thank you. I couldn't cope with all the aggressive conversations. We've decided to rent a cheaper place and put the kids in public school. And frankly we will all be just fine. And the RELIEF I felt. I felt so bloody free.
Except they lost the plot. You'd swear I was making my kids homeless. And then they denied being aggressive. So I listed a lot of abusive episodes from my childhood. I told them that my brother and sister have been worried about them looking after my kids as they'd seen them be a bit OTT with discipline and patience. My brother won't leave his kids with them. (Personally I am uncomfortable with their lack of patience and ideas of discipline, but have mostly been impressed at how different they are with my kids than they were to us)
And I thought great, its going to be unpleasant but this is the moment where we can put it all on the table and start healing. BUT THEY DENIED IT ALL. And not only that they have been messaging my husband saying they are worried about my mental health. I sat in a bar with my brother last week and he has denied to them that he's spoken to me recently. My sister says what Ive done is unforgivable. They have all rallied against me, despite my brother and sister saying supportive things privately. I have lost my sister for good, and don't feel like I can trust my brother so much.
Why can't I just walk away?
My Dad is seriously ill and on drugs that alter his personality. Not that that explains the other years. I love him to pieces, but I cannot handle the mind control anymore. Several days silence has caused me so much pain I even vomited with the stress. I am not mentally ill. I haven't made any of my childhood memories up. I have an excellent memory - my whole family knows I do. I have a message from my mum two weeks ago saying she is worried about my Dads aggression - and now she's rallied against me too.
If I cut contact, I make myself ill, and possibly send my Dad to a much earlier grave. So I reached out to yet another abusive message and said its all gone too far but I don't know how to move forward. Their response? To message my husband trying to force the house deposit on him and state yet again they're worried about my mental health. My husband has commented to me he's never seen me so sane :) I cannot believe they are now trying to use him against me too. The sad fact is if they are not financially involved - they literally lose all ammunition for their emotional abuse.
What on earth do I do? Why can't I just live my life the way I want and try and build up some semblance of self esteem and a say in my own life. I can't even bloody cut them off because of the guilt of what I know it would do to them both.