Do I want too much time?

[TheLittleLion]

BF and I have been together 10 months.
I have a young DC, he has 2 teenage DCs.
He usually comes to my house 2 evenings a week as his children are at their mums and sometimes I see him one day during the week.
This is the exact same amount of time we’ve always spent together, right from the start. AIBU to expect more time?

He normally stays on a Friday night but has some rubbish reason to leave on Saturday so we never do anything. I have talked to him about his several times over the last few weeks and he keeps telling me it will change but so far it hasn’t.

Yesterday we had an argument because for once it wasn’t raining and I wanted to go out and do something with DC but BF was ‘too tired’. He stormed off and left. He did later apologise for ruining the day and promised me he’d change.

Then today.. I asked what he’s doing. He said he’s taking his youngest out with his DB and DN. Is it wrong of me to feel hurt by this? He’s always doing something, just never with us.

I’m actually starting to feel really unwanted but I do have low self esteem and depression so I’m not sure if I’m just being overly negative and overreacting.

After reading that back it seems fairly small but it’s been going on for so long, any opinions would be really appreciated.

I also think the amount of time you spend together is fine but its the quality which is rubbish.

Yes I know I may have introduced DS to him too soon but it’s hard to forge a relationship when you can only see each other when you have a babysitter (every other Friday). Next time I will hold off.

Hermione, I think you may be right there. We are very much separate from his life. And yes, maybe I wouldn’t feel like the amount of time wasn’t enough if we actually made the most of it.

Thank you all for your input, it’s very helpful.

You are nice to have around but not a priority. He needs to step up and show that you are a major part of his life or he needs to step out.

It's that time for the choice between casual dating without any actual fun dates and a serious commitment.

Ahhhh yes that’s absolutely how I feel Alot.

Ive talked about being a priority and I always get ‘my kids come first’. Which I get to a point.. but to me it’s another excuse and one that I can’t really argue with without looking like a bad person.

As per the nc club and mark twain never make someone a priority who only ever treats you as an option...or something like that!

You have dc yet can prioritise him so that doesn't wash.I think you either dump him or go back to dating when you are childfree.It will reveal the extent of the relationship.

I assume you cook for him when he comes over?? This is not a reflection on you but he isn't really into you.I suspect he is too self centred.Don't blame yourself, feel empowered.It takes courage to value yourself but its so worth it ultimately.

Throw him back into the dating pond!

‘Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option’. I’ve never hear that before but it works so well in this situation! It’s so true.
I think I may have to LTB but it’s so hard when we have a great time together even doing nothing.
I should be seeing him tomorrow.

I think Hermonie is spot on. I’d find anymore time together suffocating in such a new relationship but, would expect quality which you’re not getting

Yeah that is definitely right, I’d take quality over quantity.
He really is a lovely man though.. just doesn’t want his cushy little life to change.

I’m not sure why I’m posting again, I think I need a bit of a hand hold.

We broke up. We spoke on the phone on Sunday, I told him all my problems in the relationship. He told me he loved me and he didn’t know why he wasn’t putting in the effort. He suggested a break so he’d miss me and realise what he’s losing. I stupidly agreed.
Monday morning I told him a break wouldn’t work work for me. That I wouldn’t wait around while he decided if he wanted me. All day he tried to convince me that a break was the right thing, I didn’t back down.
I told him I needed effort now, all he had to do was get in the car and be with me but he chose to do nothing because he had his DC (who could have easily gone to their mums for the night). Eventually I told him I was done.
This morning I got a text from him telling me that it was probably better this way because he couldn’t give me what I need and I deserve better. So thats it, we’re over.

I know it’s better this way and it’s been a long time coming but it hurts. I just wanted him to show up at my door full of apologies begging me to change my mind but he didn’t. Walking away was easier for him.

Someone please slap me and stop me from being sad about this. I have to take DS to playgroup this afternoon and I feel like I might just cry in front of everyone.

So sorry OP

I think you're very astute to recognise this is absolutely for the best even while you're hurting so much. It is one of the most painful experiences to love somebody deeply who doesn't love you enough in return. What you wanted, him to step up and fight for you, sadly is impossible with this man. I'm so glad it's happened ten short months in instead of years, and I fully believe that in a couple of months from now you'll feel such relief knowing you're no longer tied to something making you so unhappy. But it's okay to hurt right now!

You did an amazing thing in stating your needs and not rolling over and accepting a break which would have tormented you even further, he obviously realised he can't get away with treating you like a pleasant distraction once in a while because you know your worth and wouldn't accept that. You sound very strong and like a great role model for your children.

Do you know anyone pretty well at play group? I know if I were attending and knew someone there even slightly who was fresh from a painful breakup I'd want them to tell me if they were worried they'd not be able to keep it in, and I'd happily spend an hour with a cuppa listening and hand holding. People can be really kind and step up for you when you let them, sometimes not even just the ones you know well but near strangers. See how it goes but if you can't help but be upset don't be afraid to just say you've just had a break up, the relief of not hiding it might do some good and you never know how people will respond.

If you haven't already I strongly recommend blocking and deleting him everywhere so he can't even text or call you, he has your address so if there's anything desperate he can send a letter, but I always find that an immediate blocking and deleting everywhere gave me the space to come to terms with the feelings alone and heal, whereas when the door is open for contact and you know whether he's tried to get in touch or not always leaves me on edge unable to move on. The sooner you cut all contact the sooner you'll heal, it's a tried and tested formula! Sending hugs,I know this part is absolutely shit 💛

Thank you so much, it’s funny how some kind words from a stranger can make you feel a lot better.

I know deep down that even if he said he’d change it wouldn’t be for long.

He has some things here that he’ll have to get, that’s going to be hard. This is the best thing though, just need to focus on that.
And you’re absolutely right, I’ll feel glad soon. I do already feel somewhat relieved.

I think what’s hardest is that since Saturday I’ve been getting angry instead of upset. Today is the first day I’ve really cried and it’s only me and DS here and I don’t want him to see my crying.

I don’t know anyone at the playgroup very well but they’re all so lovely so I might just give them a heads up and I’m sure they’ll all try to make me feel better.

thank you.

I'm sorry it's ended but it did need to end.
It wasn't doing you any good and it wasn't making you happy.
Please do some work on yourself.
Understand why you were hanging on to this when you should have let go of it.
Keep busy.

Oh it definitely did need to end.
I’ve got plenty to keep me busy.
I always hold onto things too long. I give too many chances, I’ve learned my lesson. I suppose I always feel like I’ve put in too much effort to give up, and I feel like it’s easier to end things when someone’s wronged me million times than the first time. That’s something I definitely need to work on.
I’ve been in much worse relationships and I just kept thinking that compared to the others he was incredible.

He suggested a break so he’d miss me and realise what he’s losing.

Oooo, now I'm annoyed for you.

Good for you for not going along with that, that screams of "I'm going to let you think I might not ever come back so that when I eventually do, you'll be so relieved that you'll be happy with a little less than you were getting before."

I thought he was clueless before, I now think he was being willfully clueless because he knew he was stringing you along but didnt want the booty calls to end.

WOW huge hugs to you hun. The worst thing is that he didn't fight for you at all, not even when you told him how much he had upset you. So clearly he's not invested in this relationship. The fact he asked for a break so he'd miss you again, shows he's not bothered.

I know you must be hurting so bad right now, but I promise you deserve SO much better than that. You deserve someone who wants to see you all the time, that wants to take you out. If he's not the one I promise there is someone out there that will be x

I also give wayyyy too many chances. I've come out of an 8 year relationship where I put up with so much. Currently dating someone (I'm a single mum with 2 young DC too - it's hard to date!) and to be honest he seemed perfect but we don't go on dates etc. already and we're only a couple of months in. It's making me question what I'm doing, and to be honest if I don't get better I will walk. Sometimes you just need to, because then something better can come along.

I think we all give too many chances.
When I look at my last longish relationship I wonder what the fuck I was thinking.
So many red flags I ignored.
OP do google 'sunk cost falicy'
It might help a bit?

I think even deep down you know this relationship isn’t a healthy one, do you want to sit around the house for the rest of your life? You need to seriously think what you want and seen as you have written this post about him and how unhappy you are, you already know the answer.

Oh he’s definitely clueless. I gunk he wants it if it’s easy but now it’s too hard. I’m asking to meet family, go on dates and do stuff with my DS and that’s a whole lot of effort. He’d rather lose me than try and I’m trying to believe that says more about him than me.

Dating is so hard with a little one (or two)! Don’t settle Meow.

Hells bells, the Sunk cost fallacy makes so much sense to me! I think reading about it has opened my eyes a little. I put in effort, I tried for 10 months, I didn’t want to let that go and have to start over.

*i think.. not I gunk

Well done, you will only get what you deserve when you demand more.Try to look at this relationship as a step on a ladder..the next one will have a higher bar.
I have in the past settled and made excuses for partners and its always the wrong decision.

I look back at critical moments and wonder why I didn't pull the plug earlier.The longer it is the more painful.

I admire you for being strong, it shows you are recovering.Trust that the right person will come into your life but you will need space to end this relationship so feeling sad for a little while is ok.

You so did the right thing by not allowing him to walk over you and going for a clean break. You'll find someone who deserves to have you. XX

Yes, in the next relationship I will have higher expectations. This one has taught me what I don’t want in a partner. He wasn’t all bad of course but enough was enough.

I’m feeling strong right now but I’m having very tearful moments. I’m about to take DS to playgroup, fingers crossed I’m able to keep my tears in.. though if I don’t I’ve got a great excuse to eat all of the biscuits!

Thank you all again, you’ve made me feel much better

Listen, lets not demonise this guy. Not being as into someone as they are into you is not a crime. It was never going to go anywhere and as you rightly say it was easy for him to see you at his leisure - not because he was a horrible person but because that's what worked for him at this point in time. You want more. It's not going to happen with him. These things always heal quicker with good grace, I think. If you start saying what a terrible person he actually was all that will happen is that you'll start to convince yourself you're a martyr to idiots - and no doubt go on to attract the same again - someone who can't be what you want at the minute.

So take a breath and accept that, as good as it felt in those intimate times between you, you were not right for this man and he was not right for you. It's almost not even personal it just IS.

You could have gone on for years like this, I did with my last relationship which was very similiar to what you've described. It took four years and him to dump me for the farce to end. I'm now very happily married to my gorgeous DH - who showed me within a few months that he wanted to be part of my whole life - not just some of it. But importantly, he didnt show that too fast. He didnt lovebomb me or play games - he just let it grow, as did I - and it's only when you're both on the same page with that, that it can work.Oh and timing is everything and the other person isnt always a wanker because their timing is out of sync with ours.