No friends = red flag?

[MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose]

If a man has no friends, do you consider that a warning sign? I've heard it mentioned before as a red flag but some people are just really introverted? My ex had no friends and was awful and controlling though.

Yes

I don’t know. Has he moved away from where he used to live/does he have distant friends?

My dh isn't really a friend's kind of person. However, he is a bloody amazing husband and father.

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag. Interestingly, since we've gotten together he's decided to seek therapy and is realising that he's not very trusting of people. He's awesome with me but is improving with therapy - more connected somehow

It’s kind of a “wait and see” situation I think?

Anyone can acquire “friends” by just collecting people - it kind of depends on how healthy those friendships are or if they are “weird” or unbalanced friendships

(eg someone who cultivates “friendships” with women he fancies, or is “one of the lads”, or who is part of a “too tight” group so you feel you have no privacy is probably undesirable)

I’d look at other areas of commitment and dedication in his life - is he in a career/job/life plan that seems to work and takes time and sacrifice?

Does he have interests that require energy and thought?

Is he “weird” and how are his social skills generally?

I think a lot of hardworking guys don’t really view “making friends” as necessary to their emotional well being. They aren’t anti-people, but just don’t feel the need.

What you need to slowly find out is if he’s been socially rejected/excluded for some personality defect or if he’s just not wanting to socialise

If someone has never had friends then I think that is less of a red flag than someone who has. As a PP said, they just may not be a friends sort of person.

However if you probe a little about past friendships and they have had them but slag them all off then that is a worry, a bit like a man who's every ex GF is a nutter/bitch/slag etc.

Yes.

I think it can be a warning sign, but it doesn't have to be. It's more complex than that.

Bootie's post make a lot of sense.

Also what Pyong said, 100%.

Yes.

But it's difficult to make any new friends after 30.

It's also difficult to make new friends if you don't have any to start with for whatever reason, since you can't get to know new people through your old friends for example at a party (since you're never invited anywhere).

Was he bullied at school?

It depends on the person.

I met my DH when he’d recently moved to the area to study at uni. He told me that he worked full time for a while before moving to study, and that he and his ‘mates’ had fallen apart. Fucking good riddance to them too! They were guys from his neighbourhood that he’d grown up with, and were all involved in some form of crime, drug taking and adultery. One of the reasons my DH moved away was to move away from them, as he didn’t want to associate with them any longer.

My DH now has two postgraduate qualifications from a very prestigious University, a successful career, a mortgage, his dear wife and family. His old ‘mates’ are still up to the same things, with the exception of those who have died as a result of recklessness (2), are in prison (3 I think), or in a mental health institution (1).

My DH came to London to study, and this is where I’m from and we’ve lived ever since, and it’s very hard here to make friends here. It doesn’t help that most people of our age irritate the hell out of us, and seem very immature and find us quite boring! We were like it in our early 20’s, and still are in our 30’s.

For balance, I have an old friend from Secondary school, one from uni and not much aside from those two. I see one of them about once every three months, and the other, twice per year - we all live in London or just outside too. The transient nature of people in London doesn’t help either.

I’d try to get to the bottom of the situation with the guy, then assess from there what I thought of the situation.

It depends how you see a red flag. If a red flag is "get out now", then no, absolutely not. If it's "a bit unusual; keep an eye on it", then yes.

Even for sociable people, it's disturbingly easy to lose all your friends in a short space of time.

Personally, I am much more wary of people who have loads of friends, especially those who describe acquaintances as "friends", than I am of people with no friends. But it would still just be a fact about them to bear in mind, not a sign to run for the hills.

I can relate to that Argeles a similar thing happened with someone in my family and they started again from ground zero in a new area. It's tough to make friends as a young bloke when you know no-one in the area, are in a brand new job and trying hard to leave an old life behind.

My DH's father worked abroad and they were constantly moving around. It was hard for DH to make lasting friendships and this being before the days of mobile phones, social media and even email, he fell out of touch with the few friends he did have.

Once they all left school and went to work or uni they were spread not only all over the country but all over the world. Keeping in touch took real effort. He didn't go to uni, so didn't make good friends that way.

He settled in his parents UK 'lock up and leave' home and got a job but having never gone to school in that area, he knew virtually no-one. He made a few friends through work, but not lifelong friends, just mates through circumstance iyswim. Then left that job and started again in a new city.

He got married (met wife at work) and made some 'couples' friends, mainly his wife's old university mates, but when he decided to leave the marriage (and the area) the friends stayed on Team Wife, understandably, as they knew her first.

So when I met him he literally had no friends in his life at that point, outside of mates from work who he only saw socially for drinks after work. Which is not really the same.

I found it strange because he is a perfectly normal, likeable and sociable person but his explanations made sense.

Having been married a very long time now, I can safely say he makes friends and keeps them no better or worse than most other blokes. He's never had a tight-knit gang of 'lads' but neither is he friendless or socially inadequate. He has a small handful of mates where their friendship doesn't rely on me having a close friendship with the wives in order to keep it afloat. I am friends with the wives, but that's not what drives it, if that makes sense.

In fact the couple we would probably consider to be our 'best friends' for almost 20 years now are DH's friend and his wife, as opposed to my friend and her husband, if that makes sense.

But when I married him he was technically friendless.

My soon to be ex has no friends. He did when we worked at the same place but as soon as he left he cut all contact (even with a couple of residents who were particularly close to us both that I continued visiting - he refused). I though the fact he didn't contact his family/children often was because they live in another country but having now spoken to a family member he just doesnt bother. He had offers of friendship and nights out with male colleagues at his new work but refused. Though I have to say has managed to develop relationships with females quite well both in person and online hence the soon to be ex status! I certainly think it depends on the person.

My ex had no friends. Awful, controlling, entitled, and hated this world full of people that he was far, far superior to, but had somehow progressed further in life than he had

There are lots of reasons someone could have no friends, some sinister, some not. However as I have quite an active social life I think it could be a bit exhausting to be with someone who relied on me for all non-work social interaction so I'd think twice about going out with someone like that.

I don’t really have any friends and I promise you I’m not sinister! It’s just circumstances.

A lot of men who go out to actively “make new friends” (if not linked to work or a specific interest they like or through other friends) are often basically using it as hunting for women!

At big open meet-up events there are very few “normal” blokes, lots of attractive normal women

and the guys who come week after week are looking for someone to date or to spend time with women and aren’t there for friendship at all.

Often they’re the kind of guy who isn’t that attractive but wants to be a playah so they have a “busy social life” consisting of desperately hanging around women they have nothing in common with and hoping that the “numbers are on their side”

I wouldn’t want to date someone like this, for sure

Its not all about friends, no friends or the quantity of friends but the friends a person does have tells a lot about them

My dh doesn't. It's not a red flag in him. He finds socialising exhausting and mentally draining.
Have you been together long?

I would take it as a red flag.Friendships show our ability to connect with others and relate on a non superficial level.It also shows if we can give of ourselves.I think we can go through stages of change and therefore friendships change but longterm the ability to connect highlights a pattern.

My ex had superficial friends it was a red flag and I felt awkward about it but couldn't justify why.If you question it, along with other niggling thoughts trust your instinct.

No I wouldn't take it solely as a red flag.

My partner has friends but lives away from them and works long hours so doesn't have much more than sporadic meetings with them. But they are long lasting and deep friendships. He is truly a lovely loving man. A really decent human being.

My ex who was awfully abusive to me is quite the social butterfly and has 100s of "friends". Except they are all just for show, superficial and shallow friendships.

Thinking mine too. I just don't think you can generalise. My DH is a wonderful husband and father, we've been together for 25 years and he's had good friends during this time but life, circumstances and health have all meant that he doesn't have close friends in his life right now, and certainly couldn't cope with a busy social life. However I know for a fact that he is well liked and respected in various areas of work and leisure.

It would be for me, but I think it depends what sort of a person you are.

I'm pretty independent and love spending lots of time with my friends, so I wouldn't like being with someone who may not understand how important my friends are and who didn't really socialise outside of the relationship.

But if that's not an issue for you and like PP have said there isn't any worrying history as to why he doesn't have friends then not necessarily a red flag.