No friends = red flag?

[MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose]

If a man has no friends, do you consider that a warning sign? I've heard it mentioned before as a red flag but some people are just really introverted? My ex had no friends and was awful and controlling though.

Yes, it would be for me.

My DH has no friends. He had a few when we first met - we wer eintroduced by a mutual friend, but since getting married he hasn't seen the need for any as he says he has me instead. He's naturally introverted and aspergic, so it suits him fine. He's an excellent dad though, and will tag along to dinners and parties hosted by my friends on occasion if expected.

I would have thought that having lots of friends and being the type of person that drops them, then picks them up on a rotating basis would be more of a red flag.

Yes, huge red flag. However I would say for me that confidence and the ability to socialise with all of my friends and be comfortable and amiable (as well as well liked by) everyone, regardless of background etc is a quality I find attractive and one my current and previous partners have had.

My Mum married (and has been with for nearly 40 years) a man with barely any friends - and he is very odd, she has lost a lot as a consequence of his oddness (I've been told first hand by many) and I don't think the sacrifice was worth it personally.

Have you asked him how this came about?

It would be for me - I've just finished dating someone who had no friends and who thought it was not normal to go out for dinner on a Wednesday evening with a married male friend!!

It's my ex I'm thinking of. He would instantly bitch about how he didn't like people and that's why he had no friends, but when I made plans with my friends he found ways to try and sabotage it or whined that I didn't invite him!!

Like I said upthread, he was a controlling dickhead.

*constantly

@BluebellTheDonkey - yes same here. Well respected and liked. I've seen him too after socialising and sometimes he has to go to bed, because it's so mentally challenging. However, I guess in some men, it can be a red flag and means they could be controlling.

When I returned home to London I had no friends as my ex had made sure that I was isolated. I now have a few close friends, a couple my boyfriend has met and liked.

He’s also met my 2 of my flatmates, and didn’t run a mile (so I can’t be THAT bad to live with after all)

I think it’s is a marker but not a run for the hills. Just something that if other things came up would mean you needed to leave.

My DH isn't really a people person. He went or occasionally when we first met but usually with people he had met through work who weren't exactly best buddies. We moved to a new area five years after we met and he has gradually made some nice friends through the kids. He doesn't call them every day or anything but they go out for curries every now and then and have a laugh. He just isn't a person to rely on others, he is very self sufficient. and introvert

My ex had very close intense friendships but would then claim everyone had let him down and fell out with most of his old friends. He then got a new job where everyone was wonderful. Last I heard he had fallen out with all of them. That is the sort of 'no friends' I would be more worried about.

Went out

Surely it depends on the reason. And red flag for what exactly.

Ah your latest thread puts it in context - no friends is not a flag. His attitude to you is

My dh has no real close friends. He has many acquaintances and is relatively social. But he is happy in his own space. I used to be one of his acquaintances before we got together so I suppose I knew him socially and it didn't flag to me. He loves having DC now though and enjoys spending time with them, so I think for him he's more of a home bod than others, me included.

DH isn't a friends kind of person. He socialises with friendly acquaintances but there was no one he wanted to be best man for instance or anyone he could call in an emergency.

However he is very supportive of my friendships.

No friends isn't a red flag. Being jealous of your friendships is.

It's always made me wonder about DH as he has very few friends. And those he has, he sees very rarely.

But as time has gone on, it just seems to be how he is. He also doesn't have the opportunity to make friends at work as he works for his parents firm and people tend to give him a wide berth at work, whereas a large amount of my friends have come from work.

Lots of his friends from school have either moved abroad or stayed wherever they went for uni.

And slowly, he's making friends again at over thirty. Very good friends with two of the dads we met at NCT and friends with one of my best friends partner.

It just made me realise he just hasn't had the chances to make friends that I've had. The warning sign for me would be if he'd had friends and they'd all fallen out as opposed to never having made them.

I've never had a friend in my life. Well not a proper friend. I never had friends before age 11. We moved around a lot and when we settled where I still live now, no one really wanted to play with the ginger Irish kid haha. I got to know some people after age 11. From them I met different people and so on and I'd hang around with people. But I never really 'got to know' anyone. I had to stay home a lot due to an alcoholic mother and both my parents loved nothing more than beating one of us kids. So we had no choice but to stay in.
Since age 16 I haven't had anyone other than my partner. I have no family now. My parents have split, my dads gone to another country and doesn't speak to any of us and my mother hates me and my siblings with a passion. My siblings have spread out over the country and don't really bother with eachothet. So I don't have any family and I have no friends.
I wouldn't say it's a red flag. Maybe he's just like me and never had the opportunity to settle or create bonds. Maybe not the same circumstances as mine, but everyone has different reasons.

@Willow you shouldn't be too sad that you don't keep in touch with your family members, some families are like that - your better off without them. John Cleese (yes!) wrote a book about it, how to survive dysfunctional families. Don't remember the title. It was a good book. Might interest you. I'm sure it's easy to find on Amazon, should you want to. Sorry you had such a difficult time as a child, it's tough, it sucks to be that kid. Too common, I'm afraid.

Would anyone agree that the "friend" dynamic in men is very different to female close friendships?

I think it is all superficial, talking about cars, sport, going to the gym, having a pint and so on. No outpouring of their inner thoughts and problems/issues.

So it is just acquaintances mostly. Now I do realise that a lot of men have meaningful friendships, but I'm not sure they are that bothered by them much, i.e. whether they work hard to maintain the friendship.

Whether we like it or not, it is much easier for a man to pop down the pub with a newspaper and watch the footie, or have a casual conversation with strangers there. I know women can do that also, but I find it a bit awkward personally, so rarely do it.

So, no I don't think it's a red flag at all. Some people are self sufficient, and all they need is their family, wife and kids.

I have no friends because I was bullied badly in school (ended up leaving early) didn't go college, work I done was working alone (delivery type jobs) and then had kids. I've tried through the school but everyone keeps to themselves. Now wondering if I'm a "red flag" because of it?! Surely it depends on the reason?

Not a red flag for me.

There’s a thread going right now with women posting about having no friends, and the reasons are many and varied.

I don't think it does at all. There are a lot of women on here who post about having no friends and no one says it is red flags that they do not.

My other half had a lot of friends when he was younger. Unfortunately late into theit 30s and early 40s a lot of them were still living as if they were in their 20s. He decided he didn't want that any more. He doesn't really have friends now but it's his choice. I on the other hand have quite a few friends. Sometimes he has socialised with me and my friends if they come to the house but he doesn't bother as much. Sometimes even being around other people can exhaust him after a bit and he needs to retreat home. Like others have said it can depend on the person.

My DH has only two people he considers friends but can go years without seeing them or speaking (apart from Facebook) . I have loads and speak daily or weekly. Meet up regularly etc but he isn't at all controlling. He is just an introvert who keeps himself to himself. He doesn't like football, doesn't go down the pub etc so find it hard to make friends. He will come out on nights out with my friends and gets on with them but is happy fro me to go out alone

DH's friends are a very important support network. They do talk about beer, sport and films a lot, but also relationships, parenthood, career plans, mental health and all the other worries they have. I don't know if that's untypical, but I have male friends who seem to have similar relationships with each other, as well as some for whom I'm not sure. As a group, they go back a long way, which may make a difference, in that several of them grew up together.

To answer the question in the OP, it would be a warning sign for me, but not necessarily a flashing red light, depending on circumstances. Not liking people and sabotaging your friendships would be much more worrying than having moved away from old friends and found it hard to make new ones.

Not a red flag as such, but maybe something you need to evaluate - are you OK being your partner's only friend?

My ex had two friends. One from childhood, hundreds of miles away, one local. He could make superficial friendships but not maintain them. In the end his friend had to be wildly impressed and totally uncritical of him. His behaviour towards his friends should have been a red flag.

My DP moved to this area and worked in my family business. He is friendly with and respected by all my family and friends, but has no close friends of his own. He doesn't really feel the need for friends and finds social situations hard work. He maintains a lovely relationship with his family which he has to work hard at - they are scattered all over. He is supportive of me seeing my friends.

I find it a little hard being his (more or less) only social life. I would love him to have a hobby or pals to go out with. Maybe if he'd been around when I was making new parent friends things would be different for him, he would have been included too in the early days.

Sorry about the blether, it's something I've been mulling over a bit.