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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've just been verbally abused and I'm shaking

31 replies

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 20/01/2018 21:00

DP came home in a tetchy mood, from a day of doing sport. Was generally antsy and reactive. I cooked dinner. He ate that at the table, then wanted a biscuit, which was in the cupboard behind me. He shouted at me to move, which I didn't so he shoved my chair (with me on it), I stormed off to the living room, he followed me, saying 'I'm sitting there, get off' and cos I didn't he yelled at me in front of the kids. I ended up crying, then he shouted 'you're pathetic' all in front of the kids.... I'm shaking and sobbing....

OP posts:

BifsWif · 20/01/2018 21:00

Does he normally treat you like this OP? X

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 21:01

Ugh what a horrible bloke. And he's just had a whole day to himself, too!

What's he like usually?

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2018 21:01

Is this the first time you’ve been treated like this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2018 21:02

This a pattern or very out of character?

Angelf1sh · 20/01/2018 21:03

Is this normal behaviour? I would not be putting up with that shit more than once.

Original poster

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 20/01/2018 21:17

Not the first time, unfortunately.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2018 21:23

What’s your financial position? I’d leave, at least temporarily, to think about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who repeatedly treats you like this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2018 21:26

Do you want to leave?

Original poster

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 20/01/2018 21:29

I don't want to leave my home, he won't budge either. Stalemate. I do want this to stop... The kids are getting shit messages...

OP posts:

Hernameisdeborah · 20/01/2018 21:30

He's abusive. Does he always do things like that in front of the children?
Are you able to get away from him? You don't deserve this Xx

Original poster

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 20/01/2018 21:31

Purple, I'm in a good financial position, dp does alot of the childcare. I have a full on job.... don't want to have to move schools (for the oldest) and don't know how I'd manage the youngest (pre-school) and still do thr hrs I have to do (I'm in management).

OP posts:

Hernameisdeborah · 20/01/2018 21:31

Womens Aid may be worth contacting for advice and support xx

Original poster

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 20/01/2018 21:35

Yes, I must bit the bullet and call WA. It feels like admitting defeat and admitting there's a problem though

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2018 21:39

Where is he now?.

This is not going to stop unless you end this relationship for good this time. It was actually over the first time he did this sort of behaviour to you.

Is your home yours i.e. in your sole name or with your sole name on the tenancy or mortgage?. I would seek legal advice re getting him removed asap. Calling the police is also an option here for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2018 21:43

It is not admitting defeat at all and he is the one with the problem. He has caused your relationship to end by his actions, no-one forced him to act as he has done towards you. He acted of his own free will, you did not make him do it. Such men hate women, all of them.

You need to protect yourself and your children from his abuses of you; as you have rightly stated the kids are getting shit messages. Its no life for them either to see all this in front of them, they are seeing their mum being abused.

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2018 21:44

I agree, you’re not admitting defeat-it’s the opposite. You’re refusing to let him defeat you and you’re starting the fight for yourself and your children.

This won’t get better just by wanting it to stop.

lanbro · 20/01/2018 21:48

you know what you need to do. Life without abuse is so amazing, when you do feel you can leave you will wonder why you put up with it for so long...

Original poster

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 20/01/2018 21:55

My mind is playing tricks on me.... I guess that's what its designed to do!

OP posts:

Original poster

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 20/01/2018 21:57

I just feel it's really shit that I have to leave, when it's him that's fucked up. I know he would never leave though. House in joint names. When he gets like this and I say I'm going to call the police, he says 'go on then, I dare you' and gives me the phone....

OP posts:

Booboobooboo84 · 20/01/2018 22:00

Do it. Next time he hands you the phone ring the police. Call the vile bastards bluff.

Call wa and cab and see what your right are with regards to removing him from the home

ginswinger · 20/01/2018 23:07

I don't think it's a good idea to call the police in front of him. It's potentially provocative and could invoke a violent incident. Make a plan to leave, ideally with WA's help and then execute it. Get some legal advice on how to make the separation work financially in your favour and then go. I wish you well xx

skinnyicecream · 21/01/2018 01:06

Hi OP...sending you a hug x
Please don't call police in front of him...you maybe putting yourself and kids in a lot of danger. It seems that his abuse may turn violent and at the moment he is testing your boundaries. I don't want to tell you what to do...but I would leave him. Talk to WA and get a plan sorted. You are not alone sweetheart xx

Mary1935 · 21/01/2018 03:15

Hi Op - yes your right your children are getting shitty messages - what's wrong with these men. Abusive bullies!!! Call Women's Aid - why should you leave the house? Do you own jointly or is it rented?
Start telling others if you haven't already done so. (like a lot of people abused - I thought it was my fault - they are good at twisting it round)
I told my GP first - got it documented - spoke to women's aid and went along to the local women's aid and saw an advisor. She advised me to do the freedom programme and I was able to talk to her. It helped - slowly slowly I saw the light - I see what he is now - the fog has cleared.
It's not a picnic by any means but I'm in a much better place - less irritable worn out and stressed.

Do you have a supportive family or friends you can talk too.
He will be affecting you in more ways than you know - mine wore me down - I used to be too emotionally worn out to do anything at times.
Since he went 5 months ago I'm off my anti depressants and am clearing the house of all the crap - I've more energy and motivation.

serialcheat · 21/01/2018 04:15

One of the problems is he has control over you. And he knows it. The perfect example is when you threaten to calls the police and he hands you you phone......

He knows you won’t do it.

But you know, you can !!!! Next time he abuses you and the children, tell him you will call the police and watch him turn deathly white when you do.

When they arrive, tell them you fear for your children’s safety as well as your own, and ask the police to ask him to leave......

Then stand by and watch as the arsehole crumbles.

ferriswheel · 21/01/2018 08:42

I lived your life. You need to get this flagged up before he does it next time. Speak to the domestic abuse liaison officer and get a record. Then when you get the opportunity to phone them in the event of the abuse they will know what to expect when they arrive at your house.

You need also to go to the doctor and get this recorded, and womens aid.

It is wonderful not living with a bastard.

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