Am I aiming too high or overthinking?

[Theapplestretching]

I think I’m an underachiever. I’m clever, but also creative, and my parents didn’t push me academically. I ended up doing an arts degree and now work in digital media; not amazingly paid but I do enjoy it. I had an abusive boyfriend when younger who bullied me into choosing universities and I feel like I never fulfilled my potential.

Here’s the problem. I’m intellectual, quick witted, well spoken, intelligent and I’m also very attractive in terms of looks. I seem to attract men who I would say have traditionally well paid and middle class jobs - pilots, dentists, doctors, engineers etc. I’m able to hold their interest for a while but then they inevitably drift away and most have ended up with women in similar roles.

I’m not sure if I’m aiming too high or if I should look for men on a similar career level to me. Or if I’m just overthinking things (I have a tendency to do so). It ends up with me feeling bad about my own career and life.

I’m 27 by the way.

Can I close the gap between careers in a relationship? Or do I need to change?

What do you mean when you say they 'drifted'? Did they end the relationships? Did they give reasons? Perhaps you weren't suited to them. People end up dating others in similar roles because they seem to have that mutual understanding of the pressures and responsibilities of the job but equally lots have relationships with people who have no connection to their job/profession. Do you feel the need to change role because you want to have a relationship with someone in the professions mentioned? To me that is the wrong approach. Do what you want to do for you! The rest will follow!

I guess I feel inadequate when I'm dating them and for that reason I hold back. Some have told me that in hindsight they lost interest because I was cold/they didn't know if I liked them. But that wasn't my intention - I just go into things thinking they're too good!

Intelligence is the biggest attractive attribute for me and I'm worried the men I like, will never like me back, because I'm not in a traditional intellectual job.

Can I close the gap between careers in a relationship?

This is a weird question.
Do you mean, can you have a happy relationship with someone who has a more "professional" job than you? Of course the answer to that is yes.

Or do I need to change?

What do you mean? Change jobs? I don't think changing jobs will cause you to be more attractive to a man in whatever job. Loads of professional men marry women in admin/reception type jobs.

You just sound like you don't think much of yourself. And possibly that you look to a relationship to make you feel happy and secure. If either of those statements is true, I can guarantee you, you'll not be attracting or retaining the interest of many men.

Get interested in yourself and what YOU like. Be an interesting person who loves her life. The rest will fall into place from there. Honestly.

Sorry I think I confused you saying that you wanted change with wanting to change job. I do know where you're coming from in terms of bridging the professional gap, I've felt that in the past!

It seems to me that you are intimidated by these men, that you look up to them. That can stop you from being natural and open, that's maybe why they think you are cold and things have fizzled out.

I think you're possible right - I don't think a lot of myself deep down. On some level I know I am all the things I listed - but on another my brain can't quite make the connection and believe it! I probably spend too much time in relationships worrying if they like me; without focusing on if I like them.

Have you had any counselling to deal with the abusive relationship? That would be my first priority.

It may also be worth looking into doing some work on your self esteem or having some assertiveness training.

Work on yourself before getting into another relationship. You will make better choices so have more chance of a good outcome.

I agree with grunkle, it could be that you're so focussed and stressed about what they are thinking it's clouding your ability to let the relationships develop naturally.
Also you've identified that you have a damaged self esteem, work on that, build yourself up and consider future partners lucky to have met you! Remember they will have their insecurities too (we all have them!).

I do agree with Grunkle 100%. Be yourself and follow your interests.
You want to go and study - do it if it makes sense to you. But do it only for you not thinking about what others think.
Once you are happy you will become attractive and it is perfect to get know someone who will care about you.
I live that dream. So far no luck...

My partner is in a dramatically more responsible job than me. As in I am in an intermediate but specialist position with no reports - and he is at a director level with hundreds reporting up to him. He has a respected professional degree, I have a polytechnic type media degree.

He still puts his trousers on one leg at a time like anyone else does.

He has family drama, has been fired from a job in the past, failed exams, been demoted, several long term relationships that obviously did not last, etc. He sometimes frets that he's fucking up at work, sometimes needs to have a rant about it etc.

There are things he is very good at that I'm terrible at, and vice versa. We learn from each other constantly.

Being in a professional job doesn't mean you are a particularly impressive or special person. Generally, the most it means is your parents made sure you went to uni, and did a professional degree. That can be a good or a bad thing.

I really think it would be good for you to get to know and like yourself better. Honestly. That will help you more than anything.

"Holding their interest" is an odd way to put it.

How about YOUR interest?

It's not all on you to perform you know...or to "pass muster".

Grunkle is correct. Listen to Grunkle.

I’m a lawyer, and blokes don’t seem besotted by that, if that helps. (Mind you, I’m also 6 foot tall and a cynical bastard .)

Men aren't as bothered about money and career as women are. They're more focused on looks. Also career depends more on luck than intelligence - pick the right degree and be fortunate enough to secure a good job opportunity. I'm way smarter than DH but he earns treble my salary. Regardless of career, when you get married and have kids the woman usually ends up going part time or quitting altogether, so it becomes somewhat irrelevant.

Men aren't as bothered about money and career as women are

Not necessarily true. Plenty are looking for someone ambitious, interesting, successful and stimulating. But, I agree, some are looking for 'trophy wives'.

Well I'm not a trophy wife... wouldn't necessarily say I'm a success though.

You're probably overthinking things, but also just maybe not meeting people who are the right kinds of people for you.

I have a good professional career but not a typical one (I'm an academic and a writer). When I was in my 20s I dated a lot of guys who were much like you describe: professional careers in finance, medicine, etc., typical interests that go along with them like golf and sailing, etc., urban (I lived in a large global city at the time), very cosmopolitan, very concerned with clothes and appearance, etc. I never had any relationships with them that lasted very long or were very fulfilling. I think they probably were looking for a 'wife' as in someone to be at home and take care of them and support their careers and interests. I'm not that person really.

I met my dh when I was 27. He is completely not that type. To start, he's considerably younger (was 21 at the time). We met working overseas after I took a job for an NGO and moved away from the city and the life I knew there (and all the horrible dating). He was completely different. Interested in travel, farming background, very outdoorsy, never lived in a big city, not obsessed with dressing a certain way or cars or money. He has a similarly non-traditional career (in an artistic and technical field) and now runs his own business. It just worked and we fit together in a way I'd never fit together with anyone before. It just took getting out of that rut and meeting someone completely different to realise that I was probably dating people who weren't right for me (maybe because I thought I 'should' date guys like that?). Ten years later, we have a happy life that's very different from what I expected my life would be, two kids, good careers that really compliment each other, etc.

So I think, yes, don't overthink it, but also consider branching out, move somewhere new, travel if you can, take a new kind of job, reach out and try to meet different kinds of people and you might be surprised what you find.

If dating people with good careers makes you feel bad about your job I'd wonder if you have a work problem rather than a dating problem.

The phrase "aiming too high" - do you really think that the solution to your problem is to date men with less good jobs?

That seems ridiculous to me.

Or is it to either:
a - get a better job yourself
b - accept that you have value even though you don't think your job is high-status

Both of those will lead to you behaving more confidently on dates and allowing yourself to focus on whether YOU like THEM.

You’re overthinking it

Concentrate on yourself - when you meet the “right” person you won’t need to thrash about dissecting everything

There are two things you need to do here:

*sort out whatever it is about your own life that makes you unhappy, without recourse to a man; this is a problem for you to solve and no man can do it for you

*start thinking about sexual partners as people; a relationship is not about getting the right grade of man; it's about two people connecting and having fun and supporting each other as human beings

of course it's easier to live on a daily basis with someone who shares some interests with you and likes to talk about similar things; but that in itself isn't going to save a relationship if you can't learn to see each other as people

I agree with Trills if you are frustrated with your life situation, then snagging some older high up career guy isn't going to be the answer to this. You are still young at 27 and could change careers or even get more qualifications (e.g. Masters where you would have liked to do your UG degree) . You are also quite young in terms of settling down, from the man's perspective, if you are in a big city you may find there are lots of eligible professional men wanting to date, but many are still not actuallys settling down til 30's or even 40's. I think trying to improve your career situation and to unleash some of the potential you have is the best way to go- even if you meet someone, you may not have children immediately (or ever) and you have 40 plus years left in the workplace. The rest will fall into place.

Good lord no-one cares about your job. It’s a perfectly good one anyway. To be perfectly honest I think there are a surprising number of men who would rather be the higher earner.

As others have commented what stands out is your massive lack of confidence. I think reticence, holding back, low self esteem is probably behind the ‘cold’ comments.

But at the same time, the real reason those relationships haven’t worked out is because they weren’t the right person for you.

Men don't give a shit what job you do, OP. They will be FAR more interested in the fact that you are young and attractive than anything else. Any older woman on the dating scene will tell you this. You are projecting your insecurities onto them.

Its super cheesy but you need to accept and love yourself for what you are. Looking back I was the same at your age and really doubted myself, so I know its not easy. The job you do does not define your worth as a person. If you want to change your job fine, but don't do it because you believe it will fix your problem of low self-esteem.

What I find interesting about people are their interests, personality, life experiences.

I feel like I never fulfilled my potential.

You're 27! Young! You can do anything - change career, retrain, go back to uni - decide what YOU want to do and then do that. You will be happier.

Accept yourself and get to love yourself for who and what you are. Some counselling might be beneficial, or buy a book on raising your self esteem - plenty here:
www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?tag=mumsnetforum-21&url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=self+esteem

Good luck :)

I think you need to be yourself tbh. Holding back just sends the message you arebt that into them.

I don't think they have an issue with your career... you just need to relax and have fun.

If you are truly being yourself... you don't have to put on airs and graces.