Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you're male and your female friend......

76 replies

unrequitedme · 18/01/2018 20:52

Admitted to fancying the pants off you would it kill the friendship?

Or have you been a friend with the opposite sex and it developed into more, if so who made the move? Are there signals that your friend might like you as more than a friend?

Obviously I'm in this situation just now and so far my plan is just to carry on as normal and if something's going to happen then it will. I keep thinking these feelings come and go but then I see him and giddy as anything and it's pretty clear to me that I do have more than just friendship feelings. Its a bit hard to keep blocking it out and just carry on, what do I do?

OP posts:
Pollaidh · 19/01/2018 17:21

There's also eye contact, thinking back. Looks that go on a little too long, hand that keep brushing when passing things... Walking very close and brushing against each other. All can be signs.

Almost all my xbfs have been friends first, and all but 1 became or returned to being friends after. If you like someone enough to be friends then a relationship may be possible, if there's a spark too, and if you like someone enough to date them, then if it doesn't work out there is still potential for friendship.

My best friends are exes.

Offred · 19/01/2018 17:27

Re-read my posts.

I was creeped out by the boundary shift, not him.

I replied to your assertion that people feeling ‘friends are friends’ is ‘nonsense’.

It is not ‘nonsense’ because some people do feel that way. You don’t feel that way, you know people who don’t feel that way, it doesn’t mean that it is ‘nonsense’ that other people feel differently.

And no, I won’t change how I feel because the issue is to do with my actual discomfort with blurred boundaries and the way I deal with social situations by categorising people into ‘potential partner’ and ‘friends’ so that I know ‘the rules’. I also categorise people into different types of friends and have discomfort about the boundaries of that being blurred.

This is a facet of my personality and not everybody is ok with blurred boundaries between friends/romance. It’s not ‘nonsense’ and being OK with it is not the only way people are, it’s just different because people are different.

If you were referring to friends then I think the key information there is ‘I have’... you are a person who is comfortable with that kind of blurred boundaries. Again, not everyone is.

Offred · 19/01/2018 17:29

(And I said you were wrong that firm boundaries are ‘nonsense’)

Original poster
unrequitedme · 19/01/2018 18:08

I think I've got my answer anyway 🙁 coincidently I was asked out this morning by a man I was chatting to in a cafe, caught me completely off guard and he really wasn't my type so I said no but I shared my nerve wracking experience with my friend as I was mortified at the time and his response was you should have said yes, you've nothing to loose xx

OP posts:
ladystarkers · 19/01/2018 18:20

A) Find out if hes single, just ask B) If he is, get in there. Fgs life is too short, dont miss the boat.

TatianaLarina · 19/01/2018 18:34

If people edge away from you at parties there’s a reason Offred

Offred · 19/01/2018 18:46

OP - I’m not sure that tells you anything either way TBH.

He isn’t aware of how you are feeling after all.

It’s hard work for you to be trying to read things into what he says and does IMO.

I think you probably just need to make a decision about what you want to do; take the risk by telling him how you feel or just quietly decide not to say anything and work on moving on.

Original poster
unrequitedme · 19/01/2018 18:58

You're probably right, I can't read his mind and trying to bloody analyse every interaction is not a good move. I'm not going to know anything until I start asking questions.

OP posts:
LittleLights · 19/01/2018 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Friedgreen · 19/01/2018 19:04

I agree you should ask him if he’s single but you don’t have to be obvious about it. Maybe ask him for tips in how to get into the dating scene or similar and ask how he met his gf - he’ll soon tell you.

Offred · 19/01/2018 19:26

Yes, maybe it is a good idea to redirect your wondering into finding out indirectly whether he is single or not.

Then make a decision about whether you want to say something or not.

If you decide you don’t you’ll probably need to put in some additional boundaries while you regroup for a while.

If you decide you do then before you say anything try to avoid picking apart every interaction for signs about whether he is/isn’t interested.

TherealMrsBloom · 19/01/2018 19:42

I think if I were you I would have to find out - I’d probably try something like ask him to describe his “ideal woman” and, depending on his reply, if (as he should), he reciprocates, you could describe someone like him and gauge his reaction - there’s then opportunity to laugh it off as a joke if you need to...

isitmee · 14/12/2018 18:20

I started this thread under a different name obviously in January, it's December and I'm now back in the same fucking position!!! Been reading it back and cant believe I'm here again! The guy did have a girlfriend and we lost touch until recently, he was having major problems with her and got in touch with me to talk about it. I've been a friend obviously, the feelings had completely disappeared so I was happy to be there for him but the chat became daily again, he suggested a night out as we deserve to have fun, there was dinner, close proximity, hand and leg brushes, came back to mine, stayed for 2 coffees then another thing together a couple of days later with the same kind of behaviour. I'm so fucking confused, and yeah now I ducking fancy him again! Am I just a stop gap for when he's not in a relationship??

AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/12/2018 18:30

Please - just ask him. So, so simple.

Orange6904 · 14/12/2018 18:54

I'm a bit confused about this post, he has a girlfriend but doesn't mention her? He cuddles you for ages and tells you he loves you? I think it's dodgy that he doesn't mention her.

Orange6904 · 14/12/2018 18:58

Oh just read the update, so he wants to run to you when he's having problems with his girlfriend. Ugh, avoid. Maybe the problems were because she found out you two were cuddling and texting love you and all that?

AnyFucker · 14/12/2018 19:00

He's pissing you about and using your obvious adoration and slavish availability to make himself feel better. He will drop you again when he sees someome he really fancies.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 14/12/2018 19:03

Jeez - you women really do like to over-think things! 😂

OP - this doesn't have to be complicated or weird. We fellas are really quite simple. Just be straightforward and matter of fact - "so listen, I've been enjoying spending time with you again, and I wondered if you'd be interested in making it more of a date? No problem if not, but I thought I'd ask! [Big grin]"

If it's a yes, bingo. If it's not, smile, laugh, make a joke, brush it off, and get on with whatever you were doing.

Seriously, life's short. Just ask - its way more effective than spendig months analysing every little word, and most men would - even if they weren't interested- be flattered that you asked, and certainly wouldn't make things weird afterwards.

thisusernameisrubbish · 14/12/2018 19:07

Hey hun, I commented under another name on this in January when I was seeing a guy with a female best friend. Whilst I was seeing him, he was seeing me and so became more cold to her. When I left him, he has clearly latched back onto her.

Yes sometimes guys go back to the person they know will welcome them with open arms.

I would say if you were both drunk and alone together and nothing happened, then you are just friends. If a guy wants to seduce you etc he will. I'd either try and plan a night in just you two with drinks, and go for it. Or just leave it and cut him out - he's clearly not a friend any more and it's a very one sided friendship - what does he actually do for you?

Loopytiles · 14/12/2018 19:08

That kind of comment on his part doesn’t mean much.

Even if he’s been dating someone a month or so that’s not very long at all. Telling him you fancy him and would like a relationship seems sensible: either he’s interested too, great, if he’s not you’ll know and can set some boundaries that work for you and enable you to move on.

Being passive is just likely to mean spending more time in knots, and you’d have to set boundaries anyway in your own self interest.

thisusernameisrubbish · 14/12/2018 19:08

he was seeing me more* that was meant to say

Orange6904 · 14/12/2018 19:08

I don't think there's any overthinking, sounds like the guy is messing about, did you read the update?

Orange6904 · 14/12/2018 19:10

Even if it's a month does no-one think that's it's unfair on the girlfriend? So just for it anyway? Confused

PinguDance · 14/12/2018 21:51

Just speak to him, trust me I did this for 8 years and got rejected in the end but it was at least liberating.

merville · 14/12/2018 23:05

He probably knows.
If he felt the same he'd make a move/have made a move.
Him not talking about his gf to you at all is not a good sign re. his openness, honesty, integrity etc.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.