If you're male and your female friend......

[unrequitedme]

Admitted to fancying the pants off you would it kill the friendship?

Or have you been a friend with the opposite sex and it developed into more, if so who made the move? Are there signals that your friend might like you as more than a friend?

Obviously I'm in this situation just now and so far my plan is just to carry on as normal and if something's going to happen then it will. I keep thinking these feelings come and go but then I see him and giddy as anything and it's pretty clear to me that I do have more than just friendship feelings. Its a bit hard to keep blocking it out and just carry on, what do I do?

God I'm getting exactly the same it's these 😘 that got me questioning if he does actually like me, I mean that's a smacker isn't it? It's hard to differentiate wether I'm reading to much into a fucking emoticon, kisses ect or if in fact it's just reality staring me in the face that he wants the best of both worlds?! I've been trying to pull back a bit to protect myself and I do feel a bit better for it but then he'll go and send me a song or something and it just gets me again! I think I have a plan, playing it cool at the minute, find out casually if he's still involved, if so just accept it and move on or if not then I think I need to say something just to get it off my chest. We've been friends about s year too I think, grew alot closer over time then I separated from my dp which he really supported me through but it was then I suddenly looked at him through different eyes and realised I really liked him. In a way I wish I didn't as when I was with dp it was just a brilliant friendship, but now it's like a roller coaster back and forth in my head, does he like me does he not?! He probably fucking doesn't to be honest and I'm just causing myself unnecessary grief but we are only human and sometimes you just can't help who you fall for. Sorry you feel this way, but it is s comfort to know it's not just me

The love you thing freaked me a wee bit and I don't know why, I couldn't send it back, I do love him to bits as a friend he's definitely in my heart but I don't think I'm in love with him, I just know there's more to it which is probably why I couldn't say it back, I'm a bit confused by my feelings

You risk the friendship if you come clean.

If you both take it to the next level, the friendship morphs into something different and if the relationship fails the friendship does too.

Sometimes you have to risk everything because the relationship pull is stronger than the friendship tie.

How frustrating for you! I agree with playing it cool to protect yourself and innocently enquiring about the GF.

Good luck

That's how I got together with my OH. 14 years later we are engaged and about to have a baby! You never know if you don't try!

I’ve been on the other side of this, I was never interested in him romantically but we were really close friends - or so I thought.

I felt pretty creeped out when he came on to me and it made me feel like the friendship was a bit of a lie.

We are not friends at all now but that’s mainly because of his drug problem, though I think the one sided feelings would have made me back off anyway.

I don’t know if the reverse genders would make a difference though. Part of me being creeped out was that I have just had enough of assuming I am talking to men in various situations about interesting things only for them to try it on.

I would like just for once to be able to just be friends or just talk to a man who didn’t take that as a green light to try and get into my pants...

Tricky one. part of me feels he's being a little bit naughty in that he's stringing you along, knowing full well he's got a gf. Cake and eating it springs to mind.

If you did come clean and he feels the same would you be confident he wasn't doing the same to you?

On the flip side however... I know full well that when you know, you know and it can work out awesomely - as other posters have mentioned! Just, be a little careful, to save yourself a little heartache if it goes wrong. I know.... From.bitter experience that this is something very difficult to come back from if you do open pandora's box and find a few snakes

It will kill the friendship one way or the other. Either he feels the same and you progress to a relationship, or he's not attracted to you and will back off. The only way to find out is to approach him bluntly and be clear about your feelings.

All very relevant points thank you for sharing your experiences. I think it's made me realise I'd hate to loose his friendship, fair enough if I knew I was madly in love with him I might risk it but I'm not, I don't even know what it is, lust maybe? I just really want to kiss him!

I would also hate him to feel that my side of the friendship is a front just so I can get close to him so I am watching my behaviour. I do t think he's done anything wrong, he does have a flirty bantery nature and I know he does care for me very much, in a way I feel like the bad one for having these thoughts.

Yeh I think my original idea is best, I'm not going to go there at all. I just need to accept within myself and decide myself that nothing is going to change then I can move on still keep my friend.

This has been really helpful straightening out my thoughts. Thanks posters who commented.

I'm not saying it's over, I might be back tomorrow in love with him again......

Yep, its the emoticons here too. So couple of months back he sent me a compilation of photos from the kids and it made me emotional…I said ‘I love you guys’ and he said ‘Backatcha 😘‘ First time ever using the L word. Yet at NY he sent a HNY message and I replied back ’Same to you. Love you lots xx’ No reply, which I wasn’t expecting, but it did make me feel stupid and vulnerable. And that’s the thing here. I’m sure so much he likes me, and then I’m not so sure...and I can’t go on with these up and down emotions all the time. So this last week I haven’t texted, he hasn’t either, apart from liking a FB post, and its hard but good too. Because let him miss it. I’m worth so much more than being an option. Training my thought to think that its option c) he likes the attention so I should think differently about hi,. Seriously…if you was his gf and he texted someone else this way how would you feel. Hugs. Its soo hard I know. Its that old saying…if its meant to be………..

I am in love with mine btw. He treats my dd like his own and I'm sure much of the time showing me what he can be like. I can't cut off complete because of the kids friendship but I need to protect myself.

Not worth risking losing your best friend unless you’re madly in love. I wouldn’t.

I think you need to ask yourself honestly, would your feelings for this person prevent you from seeking a relationship with someone else?
If so, it's time to bite the bullet. If not, carry on.
I too feel that it's going to affect the friendship either way.

If you're that close, id just blurt our 'sometimes I wonder if we'd make a good couple yknow' If he looks horrified, you can follow up with - 'but then I remembered I'm far too good for you etc' but he may surprise you and reciprocate.

I had a male friend in your position whose friends told me he was madly in love with me, he and I laughed about it, but he actually meant it there was no possibility of me leading him on and giving it a shot, I truly saw him as more of a brother, didn't feel any sexual connection at all.
I had to back right away but saw him several years later and he'd met someone wonderful who he has since married

All the stuff about ‘friends are friends’ and friend zone is nonsense imo.

My 3 significant exes before I met my husband were all friends first and went back to being friends afterwards.

Two of my friends married their ‘best friends’.

I think you should tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t return the feelings, it may be awkward for a bit but then things will get back to normal.

It’s always flattering to be told someone cares about you.

Yeh I think my original idea is best, I'm not going to go there at all. I just need to accept within myself and decide myself that nothing is going to change then I can move on still keep my friend.

Don’t be ridiculous. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

If he likes you but thinks you don’t feel the same, you’re just wasting time.

Tatiana - I think you are wrong TBH because it depends on the person. If you are a person who feels ‘friends are friends’ and wants to have boundaries set in that way to be comfortable (as I am and it’s not about ‘friend zoning’ but about the kind of relationship I want with each person; a person I wanted as a friend would not be a person I wanted as a partner and vice versa) then it is not flattering to be told a friend has secret romantic feelings for you, it’s confusing and unsettling.

Some people are less rigid with those boundaries, some are more. This is why it is a risk, because you don’t know whether someone will be creeped out or fine with it.

Well I think you’re wrong tbh and I don’t think your experiences with a druggy creep is indicative. I think there’s a big difference between coming onto someone physically when it’s not reciprocated and just saying you are developing feelings for someone.

Anyway, you’re not going to know how a person sees their relationships if you don’t put it to the test. Someone may generally like their friends to be friends but make an exception for someone because they return their feelings.

Ultimately if you really fancy one of your friends keeping it a secret is actually very difficult, and isn’t honest. Being around them would be hard and painful and you’ll end up seeing less of them anyway.

He isn’t a ‘druggy creep’ we had been friends for 15 years and were really close. He had fallen bit by bit into a cocaine addiction starting about 2 years prior after a really horrible relationship with an extremely unstable and abusive woman who tried to ruin his life after the relationship ended.

He had been abused as a child by his parents too. His brother is highly dysfunctional as a result and has been addicted to a variety of illegal drugs, has problems with aggression etc

He had a great job and a really stable life but he has lost it all now due to the severity of his drug problem. I still feel a lot of empathy for him.

I went NC when he tried to order drugs to be delivered to my house and wanted to snort them off my toilet while my kids were sleeping. Which is completely separate to this stuff.

Outside his addiction he is a really lovely human being and had been a really great friend. I simply couldn’t be his friend anymore when his addiction behaviour made him incompatible with my life. He is also the least creepy man I think I’ve ever known, and that’s really what I valued about the friendship.

None of that is anything to do with my personal feelings about a friend declaring feelings other than I would have backed away anyway.

When he told me I felt unsettled and confused because I really wanted him as a friend and didn’t want him as a partner (and never had even before the drugs) and I do not feel comfortable crossing those boundaries.

And TBH I don’t know how you can tell someone else they are wrong about what their own personal feelings and boundaries are.

And TBH I don’t know how you can tell someone else they are wrong

That’s rather ironic isn’t it.

With respect I have zero interest in your friend and his history.

Point is - his actions wouldn’t have been unwelcome if you reciprocated, and he’s not to know that if he doesn’t broach it.

I’ve had people declare an interest in me when it wasn’t mutual and it was fine.

Next time you are chatting casually ask him if he'll be bringing his new girlfriend along to the event you are both going to.

You missed this bit; about what their own personal feelings and boundaries are.

You said it is ‘nonsense’ that some people think ‘friends are friends’.

I know you are wrong because I am not comfortable with crossing those boundaries myself and I know I am not alone. You might be comfortable with crossing those boundaries but that doesn’t mean everyone is.

Point is - his actions wouldn’t have been unwelcome if you reciprocated, and he’s not to know that if he doesn’t broach it.

No, the point is with any friend expressing romantic feelings for me (or any ex trying to be friends) I am not comfortable with that because I am not comfortable with crossing those boundaries. If I saw them as a potential partner then I never would have been friends with them, I would have explored being their partner. To me some people I see as friends and other people I see as potential partners. That is just how I am. You are different. I didn’t call your feelings ‘nonsense’, you called my feelings ‘nonsense’ and that is what I said you are wrong about.

I’ve had people declare an interest in me when it wasn’t mutual and it was fine.

That’s a totally different thing. Everyone has experienced unrequited romantic feelings that go both ways at some point in their lives. I am talking specifically about how I (and other people) feel about friends declaring romantic feelings.

Maybe you shouldn’t have called him a ‘creepy druggy’ if you have ‘zero interest’ in him. As it basically provoked further explanation.

Oh Jesus...

I didn’t miss that bit. You told me I was wrong about firm boundaries based on one experience of yours, whereas I know quite a lot of people who have got together with friends. I didn’t say you were wrong about your own feelings.

What I said was nonsense was the idea that definitively friends can only ever be friends and a friendzone exists and is unassailable. I gave examples to show that is not true. How you choose to live is up to you.

You don’t know that one day you might have a friend you develop feelings for, all you can say is that it’s never happened and it’s not something you feel comfortable with. One person can change everything.

I was referring to friends not randoms in your penultimate paragraph.

Lastly, you were one who said you were ‘creeped out’ by him.