Am being snippy to dh. I KNOW I am being unreasonable: kick up the arse needed .

[Enid]

He has been away in the states for a week. I need to stop being so resentful and miserable, and to quash the urge to say 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY LIFE IS LIKE!' when he asks me to do his packed lunch. I said 'no' instead and then immediately felt guilty and made it anyway.

I have three children (7, 4 and 1 ), I work part-time in dh's business (stressful).

His job is hard and stressful atm but I can't help feeling that the spa and 42" plasma screen in his lovely hotel room must have helped a bit with that

anyway we have friends coming to stay this weekend so I need a crash-course in how to be loving supportive wife.

petronella your post of 10.27 sounds like a normal marriage to me

isn't every couple like that sometimes?

Enid-I think we have parallel lives! Sorry havn't got much constructive advice but agree he is being unfair. I find dh gets v.cross if I ask whether he can get home to see the kids one or two nights a week because he "is doing all these hours for the family and is blooody knackered". Well, I am too but apparently "that's different and anyway you wanted them". Usually find these spats blow over by themselves though.

eeeeeeenid check your email

(am incognito so don't grass me up!)

he is very helpful with the kdis and house

very

oh I dont know

we seem to have lost each other somewhere down the line

oioioi

well we have just returned from holiday! although I enjoyed it I even found that quite stressful

how much time on holiday did you get to relax?

erm...good point

at one point I demanded a quiet bath

ran it, climbed in, cue screaming from dd3

wasps nest - dh supplying 'benign neglect'

We have to-dos like this all the time - I don't think it sounds worse than most busy lives and two people being stressed and tired at the same time. With the added extra of the new working-for-DH dynamic.

BUT with the FIL comment, there may be a 'cultural' expectation in DH's family that wives are a certain wifely way - and men typically take things at surface value, and don't want to 'hark on' (as your DH said) or discuss things deeply.

Deep breath, enjoy time with friends and then find mutually unstressed time for a chat?

TBH it sounds to me like you are both lost in your own versions of stress atm, each of you looking at the other and thinking their side of the fence is more attractive.

If I was working my bollox off and stressed out over work and someone told me of their day time snooze and time for book reading, I'd probably react in a petulant and resentful manner. OTOH if I was stuck at home with the relentlessness of caring for others and bone shattered and someone told me of their spa and shopping spree then I'd be petulant and resentful too.

Both of you are taking snippets of the other's lives and taking these moments of relaxation and generalising them to reach the conclusion that the other party has the easier option. Point scoring of any sort in a partnership dooms it to hell, in my very bitter experience! Focus of what each of you bring to the partnership - the positives and let the negative stuff go!

I think relate might be a worthwhile option Enid - partly because of the general points you make - but more so because the fact that you couldn't raise with him that he should have brought you a present back from the US and can't tell him to get you something. The lack of openness in communication between you both, that this implies would worry me greatly

In the meantime - onwards and upwards - get the food sorted, the house tarted up, down a glass of champagne of G&T, put on your glad rags and sing at the top of your voice 'LET MEEEEEEEEEEEE ENTERTAIN YOU'

god me and dh had altercation too
was totally stupid
amall tired and argued out

yes will drink champagne and look at my kitchen poster

Oh thank you soapbox and blu, you've saved me typing out a really long post

Completely agree with soapbox. We had a similar build-up of resentment here - it hadn't occured to me that DH could possibly feel resentful (all those business lunches, trips, proper days off, sick leave etc etc) but he was incredibly envious of the control I have over my day to day life (bar the fixed things like school runs/activities). I work part time and am paid hourly, so can choose when to work, when to clean and when to say "sod it" and curl up with a book. He doesn't have that freedom and me realising that and being able to have a frank conversation with him about the things that both of us were resenting sorted a lot of rubbish out.

I just regret leaving it as long as we did.

(Apologies, this ended up being long anyway )

I have told him that hse should have bought me something

but even relate would not get me to stoop to demanding present off him

Soapbox-excellent post. Shall take that on board myself!

interesting zog about the freedom

listen to some marillion helps me snap out of snippiness

my dh hates shopping and presnets BUT always gets good stuff in the usa oddly.

howeveer if my hd got me summat eveyr time he went abroad we woudl eb bankrupt
you shoudl haev hinted and he shoudl ahev thought

and FIL should but out

Is it really a good idea for you to be working for him? Didn't you work in THE ARTS before? Difficult to maintain boundaries innit unless you are both really clear about where his boss-ness of you ends.
Otherwise, I second anyone who says that when your friends come you should sneak off with female friend for soothing coffee/wine/ranting experiences. Oh and do YOU have to cook tonight, can't he?
But it does just sound like normal stress/busy lives, rather than a disaster.

I do think that women need to spell things out to men a lot more. I have learnt over the years that I have two options with DH:

on DH returning from business trip

me: anything for me?

DH: no

me:

or

me: please bring me something back from your trip, maybe a ..... or a ..... would be nice

DH: OK

me:

enid
have mailed you

cod, why are you called petronellapinkpants?