Feelng worthles OH doesant fancy me anymore

[MattGecko]

Hi all, thanks for reading

I really don't know what to do anymore, my gorgeous wife has totally changed since weve been married (just over 2 years ago). when we first met her sex drive was equal to mine and the intimacy was fantastic but now its completely 1 sided, ive tried literally everything (holding back, working out, trying to set a romantic scene etc) I try so hard to be a good husband and parent to our three boys and I'm always there to help her with uni studies etc. I think shes either bored of me or doesant find me attractive whatsoever anymore, (she says the honeymoon period ended ages ago) I'm so fed up and depressed I feel like I'm trapped because whenever I would like to have sex (my wife has initiated sex once since marriage) theres always an excuse and now its causing arguments and its making me so depressed/ angry, this is now a problem in itself because obviously it adds more pressure and the distance between intimacy is lengthened even more, I'm totally at my wits end and its always on my mind, she says she loves me and finds me attractive but I just cant see how? when we argue she goes on about me pressuring her and I totally understand that but like ive tried many times before ill stay well clear of her (no sexual talk or touching of any kind) and the weeks just go by with absolutely nothing from her in terms of intimacy. its almost like I can never get my needs met and hers are always met, I feel so selfish and stupid at the same time, the things she says when we argue makes me feel like its all my fault and I'm doing everything wrong but I do think that if someone is rejected by there partner a million times its going to make then depressed and moody? the only explanation is that I'm doing something wrong and cant figure it out, I've cuddled up watching chick flicks (not to work up to sex), I'm like Mrs doubtfire with the housework, I spend loads of time playing with the kids etc, I buy her gifts, take her out, I try and look after myself, blah blah, I just don't get it. I just want her to find me sexy the way I do her but there's absolutely nothing, so what the hell should I do? ill never cheat and I don't want to separate, all I can see is that I'm stuck and there's nothing I can do about it : (

[Gecko794]

Whatsthatcomingoverthehill thank you for your guidance, Ill definitely give everything you've said a shot, I'm willing to give it as long as it takes, I wont thow everything else away for this one issue I just wish there was a way to totally supress my sex drive in the meantime...

[Gecko794]

hellsbellsmelons, back to the golf course I shall go, your totally right I should be doing more stuff that makes me happy : )

[MrsDilber]

I have depression and, when I go off sex, it's not because I don't fancy my husband. It's because I'm mentally exhausted. If he badgered me when I was feeling this way, it'd cause resentment on my part. Luckily, DH understands this, but I also understand that some men wouldn't (no judgement here at all) and it'd cause problems in the marriage.

I think you need to say, honestly, what you're feeling, the absolute truth. If you expect counseling to say to your wife "you must have sex with your husband" I think you are going to be disappointed.

[mdocman1969]

I’ve been there. Your wife is probably being truthful when she says its not you - but a combination of being older, kids, exhaustion etc just kills libido for some people. Anti- depressants won’t help the situation as they do kill libido apparently. She also sounds selfish - again probably because of the depression.

A bit of advice though - all of the “nice things” you do - housework etc etc - they are just things that are expected of you - they will not lead to sex - forget the bullshit you read about that in magazines. If anything, they will push her away further if she thinks you are only doing them to get sex in return.

I wonder if you have “nice guy sydrome”? Google the term - or Take a look at this book - it helped me massively

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0762415339/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=no%20more%20mr%20nice%20guy&dpPl=1&dpID=41mzOaXP%2BcL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&ie=UTF8&qid=1516276745&sr=8-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Work on yourself - be a bit more selfish without feeling guilty. It might not lead to sex with your wife but it might help you to not be so bothered by it

[HadronCollider]

I agree with Sandy

28 is too young to be trapped in a sexless marriage. I see no reason why you should take all the responsibility for taking any decision of 'ripping your world apart' It takes two to make things work, and IMO a lot of comments on this issues overlook that point. An issue this large takes two to tackle.

What your wife is saying, without saying, - because if she says it she loses control of you - is that, she is happy with the status quo. She is not prioritising the issue with a view to changing things. Stop over thinking the situation and take it at face value. She is HAPPY as things are. If you back off and leave her alone I guarantee you things will carry on as they are now. She's not going to suddenly switch on again.

No one in a healthy relationship has to go months and months not wanting sex to think it is not an issue for their partner. If I'm off sex for a few weeks, I am acutely aware of my partners need for intimatcy and crucially explain why I'm refusing. I do this because his happiness is as important to me. as mine is, even when he's being annoying.

Ask yourself how important is your happiness to her if she has not: 1. tried to explain after the 18th time of you trying to initiate. 2. Told you what she needs for things to improve 3.Gone to the doctors to check if anything is worng/suggested separate or joint counselling 4. Asked you to book time away from kids.

The reason none of these things have occurred is because she is happy to not have sex. You mention she has previously only been into 'vanilla sex' majority of the time. I'm afraid it sounds like she doesn't have massive sex drive and is content as long as everything remains the same. Same level of support, same financial cooperation, same input into the children, same everything.

You have been maneuvered into a situation where you are forced into taking 100% of the responsibility for the marriage continuing. Ask yourself how that has happened. You are effectively being held to ransom. It is manipulative behaviour.

I definately think you need to expand your social activities outside of the marriage.

[Gecko794]

thanks to you for your responses, I have sat down with my wife and discussed all of the above, there was no anger/arguing etc from either of us and my wife has actually booked a doctors appointment reference anti depressants/ low libido (her suggestion) I think explaining it to her in a way that I've picked up from all of your helpful comments made it easier for her to realise that I'm genuinely pretty down about this issue and it needs addressing, she seems genuinely interested in trying to make this department of our marriage work. I did not suggest coming off the anti depressants but she feels that they may be doing more harm then good (not just sex life) I will definitely expand social activities outside of the marriage and hopefully these combinations will make things better.

Thank you all for your help and suggestions I really appreciate the advice : )

[yetmorecrap]

We have a similar scenario. I have to be honest, I am now just post menopause and could honestly not bother again, I don’t know why but in every relationship (2 marriages plus one of a few years live together) I have felt the same, great for 2 or 3 years and then just not interested. It has made me feel bad but I find forcing it makes me feel worse