Feelng worthles OH doesant fancy me anymore

[MattGecko]

Hi all, thanks for reading

I really don't know what to do anymore, my gorgeous wife has totally changed since weve been married (just over 2 years ago). when we first met her sex drive was equal to mine and the intimacy was fantastic but now its completely 1 sided, ive tried literally everything (holding back, working out, trying to set a romantic scene etc) I try so hard to be a good husband and parent to our three boys and I'm always there to help her with uni studies etc. I think shes either bored of me or doesant find me attractive whatsoever anymore, (she says the honeymoon period ended ages ago) I'm so fed up and depressed I feel like I'm trapped because whenever I would like to have sex (my wife has initiated sex once since marriage) theres always an excuse and now its causing arguments and its making me so depressed/ angry, this is now a problem in itself because obviously it adds more pressure and the distance between intimacy is lengthened even more, I'm totally at my wits end and its always on my mind, she says she loves me and finds me attractive but I just cant see how? when we argue she goes on about me pressuring her and I totally understand that but like ive tried many times before ill stay well clear of her (no sexual talk or touching of any kind) and the weeks just go by with absolutely nothing from her in terms of intimacy. its almost like I can never get my needs met and hers are always met, I feel so selfish and stupid at the same time, the things she says when we argue makes me feel like its all my fault and I'm doing everything wrong but I do think that if someone is rejected by there partner a million times its going to make then depressed and moody? the only explanation is that I'm doing something wrong and cant figure it out, I've cuddled up watching chick flicks (not to work up to sex), I'm like Mrs doubtfire with the housework, I spend loads of time playing with the kids etc, I buy her gifts, take her out, I try and look after myself, blah blah, I just don't get it. I just want her to find me sexy the way I do her but there's absolutely nothing, so what the hell should I do? ill never cheat and I don't want to separate, all I can see is that I'm stuck and there's nothing I can do about it : (

[yetmorecrap]

We have a similar scenario. I have to be honest, I am now just post menopause and could honestly not bother again, I don’t know why but in every relationship (2 marriages plus one of a few years live together) I have felt the same, great for 2 or 3 years and then just not interested. It has made me feel bad but I find forcing it makes me feel worse

[Gecko794]

thanks to you for your responses, I have sat down with my wife and discussed all of the above, there was no anger/arguing etc from either of us and my wife has actually booked a doctors appointment reference anti depressants/ low libido (her suggestion) I think explaining it to her in a way that I've picked up from all of your helpful comments made it easier for her to realise that I'm genuinely pretty down about this issue and it needs addressing, she seems genuinely interested in trying to make this department of our marriage work. I did not suggest coming off the anti depressants but she feels that they may be doing more harm then good (not just sex life) I will definitely expand social activities outside of the marriage and hopefully these combinations will make things better.

Thank you all for your help and suggestions I really appreciate the advice : )

[HadronCollider]

I agree with Sandy

28 is too young to be trapped in a sexless marriage. I see no reason why you should take all the responsibility for taking any decision of 'ripping your world apart' It takes two to make things work, and IMO a lot of comments on this issues overlook that point. An issue this large takes two to tackle.

What your wife is saying, without saying, - because if she says it she loses control of you - is that, she is happy with the status quo. She is not prioritising the issue with a view to changing things. Stop over thinking the situation and take it at face value. She is HAPPY as things are. If you back off and leave her alone I guarantee you things will carry on as they are now. She's not going to suddenly switch on again.

No one in a healthy relationship has to go months and months not wanting sex to think it is not an issue for their partner. If I'm off sex for a few weeks, I am acutely aware of my partners need for intimatcy and crucially explain why I'm refusing. I do this because his happiness is as important to me. as mine is, even when he's being annoying.

Ask yourself how important is your happiness to her if she has not: 1. tried to explain after the 18th time of you trying to initiate. 2. Told you what she needs for things to improve 3.Gone to the doctors to check if anything is worng/suggested separate or joint counselling 4. Asked you to book time away from kids.

The reason none of these things have occurred is because she is happy to not have sex. You mention she has previously only been into 'vanilla sex' majority of the time. I'm afraid it sounds like she doesn't have massive sex drive and is content as long as everything remains the same. Same level of support, same financial cooperation, same input into the children, same everything.

You have been maneuvered into a situation where you are forced into taking 100% of the responsibility for the marriage continuing. Ask yourself how that has happened. You are effectively being held to ransom. It is manipulative behaviour.

I definately think you need to expand your social activities outside of the marriage.

[mdocman1969]

I’ve been there. Your wife is probably being truthful when she says its not you - but a combination of being older, kids, exhaustion etc just kills libido for some people. Anti- depressants won’t help the situation as they do kill libido apparently. She also sounds selfish - again probably because of the depression.

A bit of advice though - all of the “nice things” you do - housework etc etc - they are just things that are expected of you - they will not lead to sex - forget the bullshit you read about that in magazines. If anything, they will push her away further if she thinks you are only doing them to get sex in return.

I wonder if you have “nice guy sydrome”? Google the term - or Take a look at this book - it helped me massively

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0762415339/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=no%20more%20mr%20nice%20guy&dpPl=1&dpID=41mzOaXP%2BcL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&ie=UTF8&qid=1516276745&sr=8-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Work on yourself - be a bit more selfish without feeling guilty. It might not lead to sex with your wife but it might help you to not be so bothered by it

[MrsDilber]

I have depression and, when I go off sex, it's not because I don't fancy my husband. It's because I'm mentally exhausted. If he badgered me when I was feeling this way, it'd cause resentment on my part. Luckily, DH understands this, but I also understand that some men wouldn't (no judgement here at all) and it'd cause problems in the marriage.

I think you need to say, honestly, what you're feeling, the absolute truth. If you expect counseling to say to your wife "you must have sex with your husband" I think you are going to be disappointed.

[Gecko794]

hellsbellsmelons, back to the golf course I shall go, your totally right I should be doing more stuff that makes me happy : )

[Gecko794]

Whatsthatcomingoverthehill thank you for your guidance, Ill definitely give everything you've said a shot, I'm willing to give it as long as it takes, I wont thow everything else away for this one issue I just wish there was a way to totally supress my sex drive in the meantime...

[Gecko794]

Thanks Rudgie47 I totally agree but I just cant warrant ripping my family in half for this one need I have, I've even considered the doctors to get prescribed something that will kill my sex drive but the voice inside me is like "hell no your ding nothing wrong by wanting this" I would be fine with my sex life being this way if I was 60 something (no offence intended to anyone out there) but I'm 28 and I'm also a squaddie which means I have an extremely active lifestyle I guess I'm just going to have to shut up moaning and accept its going to be like this, maybe ill just buy a sex doll or whatever : P

[hellsbellsmelons]

You should have 1 outside interest.
Please get a hobby.
Not one that takes up heaps of time.
Just a class once a week or something similar.
Does your wife any interests outside of the home?
If not then she needs one, for her own sanity.
Is your DW having counselling?
If she's on AD then she has some issues she needs to tackle.
If you can afford it and she is open to it then that would be a good 1st step.

[whatsthecomingoverthehill]

It is really hard OP and I know exactly where you're coming from. My experience was that it could get better but in the meantime:

• Don't ask for sex. Make it clear that if it happens it is totally on her terms. This takes the pressure off her and stops her thinking that you are going to want to try something.
  
• Be intimate in terms of things like cuddles. But don't hint that you want things to go further. It is very easy, especially when you're frustrated, for hands to start wandering etc. She needs to be able to relax and be intimate with you without worrying that you want more.
  
• Take responsibility for your own happiness. Don't be a martyr to your family. Yes, obviously you need to be responsible and ensure that your are equal in terms of what you do with the kids and house, but you have to take time for yourself too. Otherwise this issue will fester even more. If you are happy and secure in yourself it will make things better whatever happens in the future.
  
• Realise that you are not responsible for her happiness either. You can't force her to be happy, but you can be there to help support her when she needs it.
  
• It takes time. You talk about waiting weeks above. You need to be thinking in years.
  

This is all difficult stuff and hard to do. No one should blame you for not wanting to be in a sexless marriage. And be prepared for it not to change. How long are you willing to wait?

[Gecko794]

being honest from my point of view its not great, my wife is never interested in spicing things up or trying new things, its me on top and that's practically it, (it never used to be like that, shed wrap around me and whisper stuff to me, man it was sweet) however I'm not going to chance fate and moan about whether its good or bad I'm very content with just getting into the bedroom for the time being (maybe on a future post)

[Rudgie47]

You need to sit down and ask her and not be fobbed off with excuses about why she does'nt want to discuss it.
If she doesnt want to do it, doesnt fancy you, whatever then its time to rethink your relationship. Theres no point trying to get her to do it if she doesnt want to. Basically I think it sounds like shes done with you and its time to move on.
Its not unreasonable to want sex with your wife.

[Gecko794]

I wont go into details but I'm very sure that's not the reason, when we have had sex before my wife is always very satisfied, I'm very aware of her likes/dislikes so although ive suggested things to spice it up ill never push anything past "vanilla sex" if she does not want to. I actually try and make it as good and fun as I can for her so that shell want to do it more in the future.

[Beansonapost]

Could it be that the actual sex is bad?

[Gecko794]

The other thing I might add is that my wife is not at all unhappy or depressed (duh antidepressants I know) but when I say the intimacy is the only issue it really is that, I myself am not depressed whatsoever, we spend a lot of time together and try to fill our spare time doing things we both enjoy (with the kids and without) I listen to her etc the only thing that ive come to understand from all of your help is that I don't think I'm the issue? she has a lot of big things going on at the moment and I imagine that it might stand in the way of intimacy maybe the anti depressants make her seem to be on top of all of these issues when really it just masks them. if this is the reason which I'm now pretty sure is then I guess I'm just going to have to try and be there for her more on an emotional level but at the same time pursue other social engagements so I'm not jut going insane trying to make her happy?

[Gecko794]

Thank you all so very much for your advice, There was some strong issues a couple of years back which was the reason for anti depressants, my wife's father passed away and I lost my sister, I feel so massively selfish for wanting the connection so bad but as swingofthings rightly pointed out its something I'm trying to achieve as an end goal for effort whereas with my wife its more of an outcome of other things to be fixed. I do however disagree with being that I'm so focused on myself, come to think of it I don't really do anything for myself, all I do is try to make sure everyone in my family is happy. I guess it just sucks that the one thing I would like to make me happy is unachievable, I really don't think I can do anymore or even spend anymore to make this goal a reality. SandyY2K your suggestion of building social circles outside of the relationship sounds extremely tempting and itll probably take my mind off it I just don't want to look like a husband that has either given up or never figured out the problems to make her happy, I really don't think I can do anything else to make her happy, It sounds terrible but my minds starting to think about ways to even out the scales like "ok so you don't want sex that's totally fine but in return ill stop doing something that you enjoy" probably not the right mindset to get into..

I really appreciate the advice and time people are putting in to help me out, honestly if its me and I'm in the wrong I totally accept it and I must be the one to change.. I just really don't know what else to try or suggest, My entire priority I to mak sure shes hapy and by bringing up sex it dos the opposite, so confusing

[JaneEyre70]

You don't have to say on here but do you know why your wife is taking anti-depressants ie did you go to the GP with her? I only say that because I was given them after a chronic long term illness left my mood on the floor, and felt really down/low. I took them and can't tell you how horrid they made me feel - I think they coat your nerve endings and it stopped me from feeling alive even more. My DH was so upset at the zombie I became that he marched me straight back to the GP and said how the tablets had made me into an extra from the Walking Dead. I was given counselling instead, and bought a light box that made a huge difference to my mood along with high dose vitamin B complex.
I don't mean to belittle genuine depression but I would have a chat to your wife and even see if she will book a GPs appointment with you to talk about things together - I accept they have a genuine place in some people's lives but I think they are sadly very over-prescribed these days,
It may of course not be the answer to your prayers, but you're obviously both very unhappy and you either try to pull together and deal with it or be pulled apart.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Counselling - start with that.
Will she agree to go with you?
If that's a no go then I think a trial separation may work.
See how you are apart from each other.

[aSleepyPrincess]

It sounds like the OP is doing all the right things.
I would say keep the focus on your children but look to seperate if the sex means so much to you.

[LesisMiserable]

Of course emotions are a massive part of sex - but this wife is not interested in intimacy at all with her husband. However they got there, that's where they are. There are very depressed people with voracious sexual appetites so to bring that angle in isn't going to solve this issue and over analysing will just cause this guy pain when its simplistic really.

[thoroughlymodernmilly]

LesisMiserable I think sexuality can be far more complicated than that. Certainly, there may be times when simply desire for the other partner is the principle factor- but frequently there are many more issues at play. Desire in a long term relationship is not linear, and can take some work - especially when children are added to the mix and our roles within the relationship change.

Anti-depressants can certainly play a role in suppressing the libido, but do not neglect what precipitated your wife taking them. Swingofthings is bang on with the massive role our emotional health plays in our sex lives.

OP, I would suggest reading something like: www.amazon.co.uk/Make-Love-Like-Prairie-Vole/dp/1408830523/-?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 a book like this will guide you through the varied scenarios that can lead to sex-incompatibility in a long term relationship and how you can fix it. It can help you frame a conversation that often feels very difficult for both parties on the desire divide. It can help you both understand that sex isn't a bargaining chip within a relationship, but a key way to achieve intimacy.

[MysweetAudrina]

Anti depressants can reduce sex drive and ability to orgasm. It is a very common side effect. Is it since she started these that you noticed a drop in her libido?

[swingofthings]

Totally disagree LesisMiserable. For many (to not say most) women and more men than we believe, sexual drive is directly related to how they feel emotionally. When they are unhappy, they detach themselves emotionally and that in turn means they detach themselves sexually.

It can come back, very quickly indeed, if the emotional issues are dealt with. The fact that OP has indicated that all was well in his marriage except for this but then said that his wife was on antidepressants would indicate that he might not fully understand the issues his wife is having.

OP, you are stuck in that typical vicious circle where your priority is sex so what you are prepared to do is for that purpose, whereas your wife priority is probably elsewhere and she sees sex as the outcome of the other issues being fixed.

[SandyY2K]

OP.. you had a name change fail.

[SandyY2K]

Some women (and men) use sex to reel you in during the early stages...then once you have kids or get married...they just stop.

They were never truly interested in sex .... but they know full well if they showed this truth...you wouldn't hang around.

It's exceedingly deceptive.

I don't think she doesnt fancy you...she just has no sex drive.

She has her kids and she's done.

I think you should build up your social life outside of her... ensure that you have and maintain a very close relationship with your sons and keep them as a priority whatever happens.

I wouldn't bother mentioning sex to her again...it's clear that she's fine without it. You aren't...and you need to let her know or decide for yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.