Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lost in life at the grand old age of 28

26 replies

Axl1 · 17/01/2018 10:16

I had an amazing partner this time last year, we were engaged. Had been together 3 years.
He had two children (I haven’t got any) and there was a lot going on with social services etc- it all came to a head and I left, didn’t think I could handle it and wasn’t sure I could marry him.
Selfish yes but I had so many questions going round in my head - do I really want this life? Do I want to have firsts with someone who hasn’t already had children?
I appreciate I knew he had children and shouldn’t have got involved but I’d never done it before and had no idea how it would be.
We’ve stayed good friends and he would like us to try again now that all is sorted his end... I just feel like I will never meet someone like him. He feels like “home”

I’m trying to weigh up what’s more important - searching for something I may never find or grabbing hold of someone who makes me feel special, loves me dearly and I know I’ll have a good long term relationship with.

Very dramatic but I feel very unsettled in life at the moment, like something is missing, like I should have achieved more by now - I can’t buy a house on my own so am stuck renting, can’t afford to travel or go on holiday. All my friends are settled down. I worry I’m looking to my ex for an easy way out of feeling like this?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2018 10:18

Do you love him?
Do you care about his kids?
Is he happy to have kids woth you of that's what you want?

Offred · 17/01/2018 10:19

What was the stuff re SC about?

Original poster
Axl1 · 17/01/2018 10:27

Sleeping - yes to all 3 questions
Offred - I don’t want to give info out that’s recognisable but was to do with the children’s mum

OP posts:
Offred · 17/01/2018 10:33

So it’s a problematic ex issue rather than a him or a disability issue then?

I think this is what I would give the most thought to - are you prepared to be brought into a situation where the mother of his children is problematic and cope with the effect this may have on him and his DC? Think about in what way this may affect your life if you are with him in the long term...

The stuff about ‘firsts’ is not really that important IMO. A slight issue perhaps with the potential difficulty of being the person coming in to an established family but I would have thought that if that was really an issue you wouldn’t have been engaged before TBH.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2018 10:33

Is it properly sorted though? Does he have full custody?

I think love is too prescious to waste and trying to find a guy who hasn't done stuff before rather than a guy who hasn't done stuff with you is pointless if you love the latter.

Just take it slow. Be really really mindful of the kids not getting hurt if it doesn't work.

Original poster
Axl1 · 17/01/2018 10:39

There were never any problems being accepted - they’re lovely kids. Still very young
Sleeping, that is what I’m worried about, throwing it away and regretting it. He doesn’t have full custody but it is sorted, has been for a while. All to do with a partner that’s long gone. I suppose there’s the potential it could happen again in the future but that would be the risk I would take....

OP posts:
Greatestshowgirl · 17/01/2018 10:40

You mention in your op how he makes you feel which is really important but how do you truly feel about him?

Sugarplumps · 17/01/2018 10:58

It sounds like a great situation. Go for it! My only recommendation would be tune-up marriage counselling to support both of you in co-parenting the step kids. I would gladly take on the situation you've described, but would want professional guidance for blending the family and having more kids.

Original poster
Axl1 · 17/01/2018 15:29

Sorry been busy at work
Greatest - I love him dearly, he’s like another member of family to me. Could rely on him and tell him anything. I think a lot of him, I just worry I’m choosing to settle because I’m scared of the alternative

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2018 17:48

If you love him, which bit would be the "settle". Settle suggests you could do better but... so what would do better look like?

juwayriyyah31 · 17/01/2018 19:50

He seems like a great man to me. Rare to fine good men

GottadoitGottadoit · 17/01/2018 20:21

Is there a rush?

Liongirl111 · 17/01/2018 20:34

I don't have kids and am mid twenties. To be honest i think whilst you have no ties it is a big decision to tie to yourself to someone else's. Really thinking about it, you could up and move abroad tomorrow to be a holiday rep. Go back to education whenever. Become a stripper in a stringfellows bar Grin - I'm joking. But what I'm trying to say is that you can literally do anything within reason and be selfish purely for yourself. I think when you have your own kids then you fobt mind making that sacrifice because their your own kids and decisions and journey you've chosen. To suddenly give away your freedom and spontaneity for someone elses kids and lifestyle may be a lot harder?
Would you be resentful if a few years down the line you meet someone with no kids or ties that clicks for you, but your too heavily involved being a stepmum/partner to walk away easily? Or if you meet a group of friends off on weekends away and activities every night that you can't easiky up and do because you've got duties to your stepkids? Or you have become a parent purely for 'something to do' because theres not much else going on.

Are you wanting to try again out of fear of not finding anyone else rather than because you can't bear to be with anyone else?

I could be completely wrong. I hope to be a mother someday but when i decide thats what im ready for and a journey I'm actively and consciously deciding to partake in. If you definitely know you want children in the future then i do think you should really put effort into enjoying the childfree days. Once there here thry come first and everything changes (i assume). So taking on responsibility for someone elses kids is a pretty big deal (even if stepmum and not full custody).

I could be ignorant in everything I've just said so apologies if so. But life really isnt a race to the mortgage, 2.5 kids, husband, job and dog. Once you get on that wheel you can't just stop it turning. So enjoy life as much as you can now and only get on that wheels once your 100% not because you feel trapped. Feeling trapped can change but the wheel cannot (at least not easily). Flowers

category12 · 17/01/2018 20:34

I don't know that loving him as if he were family is the right sort of love. It does sound like settling from your side.

You're only 28 - maybe you should look at improving your career to be able to do the things you want. Or throw it all in and go backpacking on a shoestring.

GottadoitGottadoit · 17/01/2018 21:02

Would you really be describing yourself as ‘lost in life’ if he really were the right one for you?

Hermonie2016 · 17/01/2018 23:30

28 is a perfect age and is the age I believe I had finally started to know myself.Some religons believe in lifes 7 year cycles and science shows that are brains still develop until mid to late 20s.The feeling of being lost could just be the change that you need to go through.
You have doubts over this man and for good reason, being a step parent is tougher than being a parent.

Be aware if you are making a fear based decision as its usually not the best rationale.Maybe you fear being single or alone so this man looks safe?

I think you might need to accept your current feelings and they will pass.Going back to a relationship is never usually positive.

Original poster
Axl1 · 18/01/2018 07:05

Liongirl you hit the nail on the head perfectly there and you’ve explained how I feel better than I did!
I think I’m seeing it as “shit I’m nearly 30 and I haven’t got a partner a mortgage a kid or a dog”!

Category - yes I’m worried maybe I love him as more of a brother than a partner but he is such a great man and as a Pp said that appears hard to find !!

OP posts:
category12 · 18/01/2018 07:30

Might seem enough now, but a few years down the line, someone might turn your head. A great man who feels like a brother makes an excellent friend, not lover.

Original poster
Axl1 · 18/01/2018 07:45

Very true

OP posts:
Joysmum · 18/01/2018 07:53

You sound like you’re more in love with the idea of being in love and having your ‘happy ever after’ rather than wanting that ‘happy ever after’ with him.

annandale · 18/01/2018 08:27

When did your parents have you or get married? If it was 27 or 28 be very careful. You're young still, believe me.

Original poster
Axl1 · 18/01/2018 11:09

My mum had me when she was 23 and they got married when she was 25. Why’s that?
Curious!

OP posts:
Original poster
Axl1 · 18/01/2018 11:11

Joys - I think you’ve also hit the nail on the head. It’s taking that risk though and possibly not finding it again.
I also would be gutted to hear he had met someone else and I would then see him as the one who got away Blush

OP posts:
annandale · 18/01/2018 12:37

Because IMO from your upbringing you are going to think you 'should' have a mortgage, partner, family by now because your parents did. That's what I thought subconsciously and I married sooooo the wrong man as a result.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2018 12:40

Just try it for 6 months nd give yourselves a chance. Dont tell the kids.

Swipe left for the next trending thread