Where do I go from here? Sex issue

[opalescent]

I love dp so much. In every other way I honestly feel that we are soul mates. It’s taken me a long time and a string of crappy relationships to get where I am now. I have a great life, a happy and fun relationship with dp, a beautiful dd with him, and an equally beautiful dd from a previous relationship, who sees dp as a second father.

The only issue that keeps nagging away at me, is sex- or lack thereof.

It’s never been amazing- but it was good enough, and I adore him so much that I just didn’t care, and put it to the back of my mind. I’ve always felt that he is inexperienced and lacking in confidence- his approach to sex is slightly clumsy and there is a sense of awkwardness around it. He has definite preferences (time and place), and I’ve always also felt that those were his comfort zones, so didn’t mind too much.

But as time goes on, I realise that he’s just not that sexually driven. I could honestly parade around naked in front of him and he wouldn’t react. He likes sex when it happens, but he’s not sensual in any way, very little kissing or fore play. No random snogs, and I never feel that he looks at me and thinks ‘I want to have sex with her’. I just feel so sad and frustrated.
I love sex, and need it to feel good.

I feel so redundant and unattractive. I couldn’t even think about not being with him- but I don’t know how to reconcile this. I’m in my early 30s and can’t imagine never really feeling sexually desired again 😔. I’d appreciate any advice.

Talk openly with him, without being baggy, about how you feel, talk about yourself, your relationship, gently prove him to find out how he feels about himself, life, your relationship. Well communication is sexy is what I think, talking always draws me and OH closer if we've drifted, and sex is always better when we feel closer

That should be naggy not baggy ffs!

And OP, you are way too young to carry on and on feeling the way you do.

Thank you joy. I do need to talk to him. It's hard, because I don't want the result of our conversation to be that he 'tries' to fancy me or want sex.
But yes, we won't get anywhere without talking.

great typo!!😂

I could have wrote this post. We are both in our late 20's and have had sex 5 times in 2 years since dc2 was born.
We have spoken about it and got no where.
I just wanted to say I understand how you feel.
Have no advice though sorry

Sorry Confused 💐, it's crap isn't it.
Have you got any idea what you're going to do about it? How old are your dc?

Maybe having specific sex based therapy would help you both

I have a dd (8y) from a previous relationship.
And we have a ds together (2y)
We spoke about it the other night. This year is make or break for us. I don't want to get to 50 and look back at my life and have regrets.
I need to feel loved and I don't.
I have no idea how to fix it. We are going to try make an effort to make each other a priority.
But its hard as dp doesn't really communicate.

It just seems strange its an effort to be attracted to me. It should come naturally should it not?

That's exactly it- surely it should be a natural thing, not one that has to be discussed and fixed?
That said, I know it's unrealistic to think that sexual attraction won't ebb and flow in a ltr-

I just feel so torn about how much importance to put on this.

OP I was where you were a long time ago. Almost identical but with the sexes reversed. No children involved. Sex was very frequent when we didn't live together but within a year of moving in, it dropped off noticeably and definite times and places too. But I loved her. It became Sunday mornings only. Two positions only. Never any foreplay (either way), no snogs. Would never have sex in the evening. Only ever in bed (before we moved in together, all over the place). Then her libido shrank further. Eventually admitted she really wasn't overly keen on sex, never had been. All felt a bit bait and switch, as if she'd used sex in the first place to catch me - not saying it was, just how it felt. Went five years in a sexless relationship. I left at the age of 36, having decided I'd had enough. It made me feel pretty undesired and it hit my self esteem. Feels pretty rubbish lying next to someone you love and who says loves you but there is no intimacy.

I'm approaching 44. Still single. Wouldn't go back to that sham of a relationship though. Good luck, but from what I've seen, in most cases, things don't improve.

Thank you shatners, it's interesting to hear other people's experiences.
Out of interest, how did your ex-wife feel about your reason for leaving? Do you feel that she regretted not trying to make that part of your relationship better? Or just accepted it, as she had no desire to change her feelings about sex/intimacy?

I don't want to go into huge details, but I'd tried talking about it several times before I actually left. Her attitude was never angry but very much one of "I can't help who I am, I've just never liked it much".

I don't have a huge sex drive, but it's not just the sex. As you say, it's the being looked at in a certain way, random kissing, intimacy. I just felt like a flat mate who happened to sleep in the same bed. Had I been 75, I might have been OK with it. But not having any sex or snogs for five years between the ages of 31 and 36 when you've been with someone for a decade? And not a huge amount for two years before that. No, I was not prepared to spend another 10, 20, 30, 40 years like that.

Coming up to 8 years single. Haven't had sex in 7 years. But as frustrating as that is, it's not as frustrating as living with someone that long with no passion.

from what I've seen, in most cases, things don't improve
It is very difficult to see what goes on in other people's relationships, so please do not assume Shatners is certainly correct and give up hope.

OP why not suggest counselling/therapy about this?

Thank you both. I definitely wouldn't make any rash decisions, I would exhaust every avenue before that.
I am going to try having a frank conversation tonight.

KindDogs Where did I say it WON'T improve? I didn't. I said quite clearly, "from what I have seen". In other words, in my experience. I am not wrong, that is my observation. Your experience may be the opposite and I would not claim that you are wrong. My experience, by the way, is based on a lot of threads about sexless relationships on MN over the last 6 years and the majority of people on those threads who have been in this position reporting that no matter what was tried - if their other half was even prepared to try - that it made no odds. Because, at heart, it comes down to sexual incompatibility and we can't make someone into someone they are not.

That's exactly it- surely it should be a natural thing, not one that has to be discussed and fixed?

Natural for who? To put it bluntly, he hasn’t changed, you have. You threw the dice in the hope that he would later be different and that hasn’t paid off. Sexual compatibility is a thing and the idea that everyone should all have the same wants and needs is ridiculous.

I don’t think you unreasonable for wanting sexual fulfilment but expecting that from someone who’s never shown any drive or technique isn’t particularly smart. If it’s become a deal breaker then you need to tell him but also accept that if it remains the same, that this is just who he is. Leaving the ball in your court as to wether you accept sexual unfulfillment or leave in the hope of finding it elsewhere.

The time for sweeping this under the carpet is over, your resentment and frustration are very much out in the open and if not dealt with, will corrode your relationship in the end.

I could not imagine a relationship with little or no sex, and feeling like you do. My husband finds me attractive and that makes feel feel so wanted and sexy which helps nourish a relationship.
Talk to him about it but you need to resolve that if it doesn’t improve and stay better then you need to reconcile yourself to what the future is, and if that is a dealbreaker then understand that you will need to finish the marriage

Isetan you're absolutely right. On reflection, he actually hasn't changed at all.

Of course there was more drive when things were new, and unsurprisingly before the baby came along, but essentially yes. He has remained the same; and I'm now asking for/expecting something that he has never shown himself to have the capacity for.

That's really made me think.

DH and I used to have a rocking sex life! Since I fell pregnant end of 2014 it's been a bit meh. We openly discussed it at the weekend funnily enough. Between me being pregnant and/or BFing (I get really touched out!) we've decided that once this pregnancy and subsequent breastfeeding is over we're going to make an effort with each other in bed again.

I've also asked him if we can go underwear shopping when I'm ready m. I like sexy stuff and unsurprisingly haven't worn any since early pregnancy with DC1. I know he likes it too.

Could you have a conversation around getting your sex life back on track? I know sexy undies aren't for all people but it feels like (for us) a commitment to each other to notice and get excited about it all again?

Thank you ssshhhh, it's great that you and your dh have been able to have a chat. I'm not sure if the whole sexy undies thing is us, but I really appreciate the suggestion.

I feel a bit weird about any kind of 'rekindling' type activity, as it's not something I've ever had to do before, and I really don't want things to feel unnatural or forced. But I might have to be a bit more open minded about it..

Intimacy isn't just sex, it's affection, cuddling, kissing, laying in each other's arms before you go to sleep, making each other laugh, showing each other that you want and delight in each other. Sex is obviously part of that, and feeling confident that you float your partner's boat so to speak. Intimacy is the gift of being in a relationship. And as I said before, talking openly is sexy, draws you close, improves intimacy. Don't settle for a life without intimacy OP. If he won't talk, doesn't want to change, don't let this drift. Splitting up is so painful, but, you know, life isn't, as they say, a rehearsal.

Ure asking for something that hasn't really been there from him by all means speak about it but u knew this going into the relationship so why the change of heart and not being fulfilled what's changed as he hasn't ure very young not to be doing it but then use weren't really doing it anyway but there's more to life than sex but to others it's a deal breaker but this wasn't the case for u to start with maybe there's a reason he's not comfortable at it maybe teach him a thing or 2 but he also needs to see ure feelings on it and change somewhay

With frankness it can improve. DW is not overly bothered by sex, when she felt the urge she would resolve matters with her vibrator. We'd not DTD for a couple of years and prior to that it had been only a couple if times a year for the preceeding 5 years. All intimacy had drained out of the relationship and we were basically friends coparenting our children.

I had tried to duscuss it many times, it would lead to tears and promises sometimes and other times a simple statement that, that's what she's like so deal with it.

About a year ago I told her straight the we had between then and when our youngest goes to Uni to get the relationship back on track or I would leave as there wouldn't really be anything keeping us together any longer.

Again promises to make an effort but then she started talking about planning for our 50th b'days and I said not to assume we'd still be together and the penny finally dropped. We now spend more time together, hug each day, kiss hello, goodbye and good night, say "I love you" and DTD most weeks.

It's been a true transformation, and we are both working on it.

I hope you manage to find a way through.

A low libido could be a medical thing. I'd explain to him how you feel and then get his opinion on it. He might say that he doesn't like sex or that he struggles to feel aroused. He might actually be into something really kinky and be ashamed to tell you.

In the grand scheme of things, I don't think it's a big deal. It's easily fixed with time and patience and strong communication. Spend time exploring what turns each of you on and be open about what you desire. He may need some inspiration or something to let loose. It may take experimenting with different toys/positions etc.

Just talk about it, nothing taboo about it.