Where do I go from here? Sex issue

[opalescent]

I love dp so much. In every other way I honestly feel that we are soul mates. It’s taken me a long time and a string of crappy relationships to get where I am now. I have a great life, a happy and fun relationship with dp, a beautiful dd with him, and an equally beautiful dd from a previous relationship, who sees dp as a second father.

The only issue that keeps nagging away at me, is sex- or lack thereof.

It’s never been amazing- but it was good enough, and I adore him so much that I just didn’t care, and put it to the back of my mind. I’ve always felt that he is inexperienced and lacking in confidence- his approach to sex is slightly clumsy and there is a sense of awkwardness around it. He has definite preferences (time and place), and I’ve always also felt that those were his comfort zones, so didn’t mind too much.

But as time goes on, I realise that he’s just not that sexually driven. I could honestly parade around naked in front of him and he wouldn’t react. He likes sex when it happens, but he’s not sensual in any way, very little kissing or fore play. No random snogs, and I never feel that he looks at me and thinks ‘I want to have sex with her’. I just feel so sad and frustrated.
I love sex, and need it to feel good.

I feel so redundant and unattractive. I couldn’t even think about not being with him- but I don’t know how to reconcile this. I’m in my early 30s and can’t imagine never really feeling sexually desired again 😔. I’d appreciate any advice.

I had exactly the same relationship with my boyfriend over seven years in my twenties. In the end it was soul destroying, made worst by the fact we didn’t have sex for four years of the seven - and I knew to the exact day as the last time was (half heartedly on his part) on Valentines Day.

In the end I just couldn’t cope. It affected my confidence in so many ways. I wanted to feel desired, loved and didn’t get any of that front him. He was like a kind flatmate.

Eventually we broke up and I moved out and had a few years of filthy FWB type things while I enjoyed being single. Met my DH in my early thirties and are now married with kids. He’s a filthy one and even with two kids it’s lovely to feel like if we had twenty minutes uninterrupted time to spare (and weren’t utterly bone weary tired!) top of both our to do lists is each other!

If you can, talk to him about it openly? I know that’s not always possible (with my boyfriend it wasn’t, he was so repressed that he’d get awkward and then walk off or try and change the subject) but maybe there is a way to have the chat without you feeling like you’re begging him for sex or him feeling like you’re nagging him for it.

Good luck OP and you have my deepest sympathies. I genuinely think relationships where you have a discrepancy in sexual drive are as difficult to balance as those where you have different views on politics or money. It’s not his fault if he doesn’t place emphasis on it, but it’s not yours if you want a reasonable amount of good sex either.

It's an awful feeling isn't it?
However, I can give you hope!
My DH & I went through a period of around seven years where our sex life was virtually non-existent. Fertility treatment, miscarriages, high risk pregnancy, c-section & other surgeries killed it dead. He just didn't seem interested & I thought he just didn't want it anymore
Lots of chats but very little change.
I decided, through tears & the most difficult, frank conversation, that it was make or break.
We planned a time-slot - when my DS was at an activity - were we agreed we'd have sex unless one of us was ill!
I thought it would be awful & embarrassing & forced.
But it really wasn't. The more we have, the more we want. Honestly, our sex life is better than it was when we first met. It's so lovely to feel connected again.
Agree that you will tell him & show him what you like.
If it doesn't improve...well, you have your answer & you can decide what you want to do - accept it or leave.
It might not work for you, but it's worth a try

I used to have a fairly high sex drive (DC permitting). But now I'm with my OH it seems to have virtually vanished. But I put this down to his avoiding any kind of physical contact which doesn't have to do with sex...and sharing a bed with someone whose idea of 'affection' is grabbing your boob and tweaking your nipple, and then getting huffy when you don't want sex as a result, is enough to put me off forever.

I've tried talking to him but, since he thinks affection is rubbing your crotch, he doesn't get it. So I don't have the answer, OP, communication would seem to be the key, but if he won't talk about it, there's not much you can do.

usedtobeanxious nails it but if that approach wouldn't work then take advantage of a reluctant partner to just do what you want. It doesn't sound like he's going to up and leave so grab some extra freedoms out of it.

I was in that relationship. There were other issues but if the sex had been there we might have worked through them better. I ended the marriage partly because of the lack of sexual intimacy. I have never felt so unattractive in all my adult life. I tried everything and nothing could persuade him to change.
Turns out he had quite a porn habit but just couldn’t get jiggy with me.
I put up with it as had committed to him and really wanted kids and stability which I never had even as a child.
Now we are t together and share parenting it’s like an old but distant friend.
I’ve had a few failed relationships since but I’ve had some epic sex!
I’m on my own now in my mid 40s and would like to meet someone but I won’t settle for anything which is why I’m still single!
Life is hard, sometimes I feel like I cut off my nose to spite my face. Exh is textbook handsome, a good earner, clever etc. Everyone thought we were the ‘perfect ‘ couple.
Now I’m single parenting, working bloody hard to make ends meet , struggling to pay the mortgage, chronic health conditions, but I could never imagine being back in that place with him, it was soul destroying!