Realising any relationship with brother is over

[Doodymoody]

Brother and I had a tough upbringing: Alcohol dependent parents, shouting, swearing, some violence. I left home during late teens after DB gave me a black eye and I realised I wasn't willing to live in that environment anymore. I was no angel, but did not cause DB any injuries (aside from scratches as children).
I had lots of therapy, got a degree, a decent job and have ended up doing 'ok.' I see my parents but have low expectations of them- they have since divorced and are in healthier relationships. Brother has gone down a similar path as me: therapy, good job, marriage. We both still hve anxiety and depression and seek help when we need to. It took a few years after leaving home for DB and I to regain contact, we had both matured and forgave each other for the horrible things we said and did (or so I thought.)
I felt we would be able to stick together and support each other as adults, realising our parents failed us, but be there for each other.
Things were fine for a number of years, we got along well, until a family member died and our past was dredged up again due to the family member being a great support of mine when I was forced to leave home and not for my brother.
A flippant comment revealed his anger about this, which I never knew existed, I stuck up for myself, explaining how I needed someone to take me in at that time as I had nowhere to live. The family member then took my side. DB argued that he did nothing wrong at the time. I never realised he still felt this way.
We left it at that for a few weeks until I sent a text inviting him to DCs birthday and I'm response I received a barrage of abuse. I had been going through a tough time emotionally and he told me that DH should leave me, he hated me, I was selfish and he never wanted to see me or my family again.
I was devastated but accepted this.
This was 1 year ago, I am still very upset, but so,e of the things he said I feel were unforgivable. My parents however have recently begun piling on pressure for me to try and 'make amends' with DB and I feel so angry when they put this pressure on me as DB has made this decision. I also can't help but feel a bitterness towards my parents: without the volatility of our upbringing, I doubt that DB and I would be here in the first place.
I'm saddened as DCs ask about DB all the time and I feel he's rejected them Aswell as me. I can't change what has happened, but I just feel so sad about it. I've tried explaining to parents that DB has said some unforgivable things, but they don't listen.
Any thoughts?

Are you sure it's over? Could you talk about it or go to therapy together to work through this? It does sound as though he had a 'worse deal' at least in this aspect so even though he has said awful things, you may be able to salvage something.

It all depends on how much he is able to be sorry & if you feel able to get past this. If not then just explain to the others that it's not possible

I don't know if I'm going to offer any useful advice here, I can only share my experiences. My twin brother and I also had a very volatile upbringing due to parents divorcing and lots of emotional abuse and some violence. My step father was autistic and an alcoholic. We practically lived in poverty too. I didn't get on with my brother anyway, but the thing that made me stop talking to him was when he hit me with the front door, pushed me over, strangled me and then spat on me. I didn't talk to him for a few months and ended up moving to my aunts empty home as she'd moved in with her partner. My mother simply told me we 'were both as bad as each other' and didn't believe me when I said he'd strangled me. Yes, we argued, but fuck me, I'd never treated him even half as bad as that.

Eventually I let it go, simply because nobody gave two fucks and didn't believe me. I still hate him. I mean I love him because I have to- we're still family after all. But I don't like him as a person. I am perfectly civil to him now, but we do have the occasional falling out. I have learnt to not care for the sake of my son. If I went NC, it would be me that looked unreasonable because he wouldn't have a chance to see my son (I wouldn't stop contact of course, my son just wouldn't be comfortable there without me).

God I wish I could scream at my mother. I'm more angry at her than him.

You have a difficult decision. Go NC and save your mental health, but be prepared to look like you're unreasonable.

I have a similar situation with certain family members. I desperately want to be close and for us not to waste our shared experiences and all the years we spent when we had nobody else, I don't bear grudges about the times we hurt each other, I want them to be a part of my future.

BUT I have built a life for my children which is safe and relatively normal and not punctuated by violence, toxic tantrums etc and I need to keep it that way. It feels like being torn in half sometimes; there is no easy solution.

It sounds as though you have done your very best to keep this relationship going, but you have to have some boundaries to protect yourself and your loved ones. Don't blame yourself if your brother isn't capable of that relationship at the moment, it's terribly sad but it isn't your fault

Thanks all. I did try to sort things out after the abusive messages, but he text me again saying he had blocked my number and couldn't retrieve anything in response to what he had said. So I couldnt do anything. He definitely wouldn't join me in therapy etc. I think he's living with the upset of not having a close relationship with the family member who died; I was incredibly close to this person. I think he feels I've robbed him of that chance as the family member became my pillar of help and support, they naturally blamed my brother for putting me in such a position.
Roll poly: I'm sorry for your experience which sounds very much like my own. My own parents also said we were "both to blame" even after I'd had to walk around with a black eye and explain to friends, family, employers what had happened and they shook their heads in disbelief. My brother generally thinks either this never happened or that I somehow 'deserved it.' I thought we had grown past everything but clealry not.

It sounds like a lot of anger on all sides, you sound like you haven't really forgiven him for being the catalyst that got you out of what sounds like a toxic family life. Even though the alternative wasn't what you planned it sounds like you were saved in a way by your supportive family member.

Have you considered that your DB might have been envious of you for leaving? He was left in it with your DParents who sound really difficult to live with. Wonder whether he feels jealous that he wasn't also supported by someone from outside the immediate family? Could it be that his anger is old & was reawakened more recently by that situation?
If you care about him & want to re establish a relationship - I would be inclined to write a letter to him but you will have to be honest with him about your own feelings of being let down by your parents & that you had to get out. I'm thinking that he was also really angry & confused as a young man & you got the brunt of this, he wouldn't have known this at the time he would've just been angry. But he should be able to take responsibility for his actions even though he was a child (?) Himself in a very difficult position.
If you do decide to write try to go from a position of no blame- it does actually sound like he feels really guilty about how he dealt with the situation when he was younger, but it will do no good if you also can't let go of your issues about his actions. You have to deal with your own residue from your past independently of him.
The thing is by being really honest with him you may truly free yourself & help him. I'm not talking about blaming individuals but by talking about your experience of abandonment, neglect (very damaging abuse), anger, being left to your own devices, powerlessness, being robbed of a balanced childhood. All of these things he has shared with you; his reactions, whilst adding to your joint trauma & your sense of betrayal(?) may also have been a response to his own extreme confusion & trauma.
I have to say that whilst traumatic & not how you wanted things to be, your life went off in a different direction & you had someone who supported you, maybe for the 1st time in your life.
You were both children. I hope you can find a way forward together. I say this as your story replicates my own almost exactly, although mine does not have a happy ending because although my life went ok, his didn't & he became a serious drug user & sadly I can no longer try to put things right.

It doesn’t sound like it’s really up to you, even if you were willing to work past his behaviour. He doesn’t want to speak to you and you can’t contact him because he’s blocked you. I’d tell your parents to stay out of it if I were you. Worry about if you can forgive your brother if and when he asks for forgiveness.

OP, sympathies, my DB has cut me off after verbally abusing me in front of family and me telling him I wanted an apology. After our lifetimes of his moods being pandered to, him cutting me off until I apologised for whatever he felt I'd done wrong etc, I haven't seen him in several months and am still hurt but sick of the EA. No advice but to take care of yourself. His demons are his own. It's so hard when you want your sibling as mutual support after difficulties in childhood and hurts horribly to feel so abused and rejected. Take care.

Have you said to your parents “he gave me a black eye and now he’s blocked my number. I’m done trying with him” I think you need to be firm with your boundaries. I also think good for you that your family member supported you and rightly so. I’m sorry but it’s not acceptable for your DB to feel anger about your relationship. He was violent to you and that family member supported you. He needs to grow up and stop blaming everybody else. This family member got you out of a terrible situation. If he feels angry about that then he should go back to therapy. He has denied the black eye which shows he is victim blaming. He hasn’t made any progress towards self knowledge or awareness. If it was me I’d write him a note and post it through his door “I’m very sad that you’ve decided to block me from your life. I strongly urge you to go back to therapy. Your anger is misplaced. You have denied giving me a black eye! You are in denial and really need help. I can tell you that you did give me a black eye (I had to live with the embarrassment and pain of it for weeks!) and thank god I had somebody to rescue me as it scares me to think what you would have done next if I’d stayed. You were violent and you abused me. That is not acceptable and your behaviour now is not acceptable. Please seek help”

Don't give up and miss out on a relationship. He sounds angry about it. Doesn't mean you don't have to be in contact. He just needs the space to work through some of the abuse and failures he remembers. Yes he got help but it sounds like there is another level of hurt and pain that has been dug up for him recently. Let him work it through and give him space. Leave your door open to him for when he's ready. He will come around and you should be able to have a relationship again. Don't let the mess your parents created win. You two can do it.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m wondering whether your family are making this worse, you say a family member took your side, and your parents are piling on pressure. Given how unpleasant your childhood was does it matter what they think.

Some people on here seem very weighed down by their own FOG.
OP I would suggest you read Toxic Families, and consider how much you really want these people in your life or our DC's life. They don't have a right to see your DC (unlike a previous poster's view) and it might be better if they are not healthy.
It may well be that despite the chaos of your upbringing, your brother was to some extent the "Golden Child". He also seems to have not recovered as much as you.

Thanks all, just to jump on the back of some posters thoughts. I guess I've described a healthy relationship with DB overall, or what seemed so until the family member passed away, but actually myself and parents often have to tiptoe around his moodswings. He often won't take responsibility for what he's done, I've apologised many times for being a bully towards him as a child which he says has caused him many issues, he's never apologised for anything he's done. He would often talk about how terrible his childhood was without any acknowledgement that we went through the same thing. He actually had a much better relationship with my father, who would often tell me how much he liked my brother more than me. I don't mean to focus on the past too much as I feel I've dealt with many of my demons and put them to bed, bit I. Guess that thinking about it, DB has made himself the biggest victim and denied any responsibility for anything he did. I've come to a place of forgiveness for any of this however as my parents are actually the ones to blame. I keep them at a great distance as a result, as it is much easier than NC. They don't make too.much effort anyway and I have very few expectations of them. I guess I'm realising that maybe DB has actually inherited much of their volatility and problems, whereas I thought we had both managed to break free of them.

You’ve got a great approach. Forgiveness with boundaries. Little expectation of them all. Space. This will keep you mentally healthy.

Your brother isn’t at the same point. Give him time. Let him make the first move.

He adds nothing to the quality of your life. He seems self-obsessed and a bully. Best to stay cut off.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this.

It doesnt sound like the relationship in its current form is healthy for either of you. Every time you are back together you have this spectre of your childhoods hanging over you.

Take a step back and focus on your own growth and let him do the same. You may be able to come back together in the future but if you can't, try to accept that he is taking his own tough journey and may not be able to cope with a relationship with you. It is neither of your faults but seeking closure and happiness independently may be better than trying to force your relationship.

I cant get past the black eye he gave you.

In your situation I would just give him time, he needs to work through his own feelings and if he wants to resume the relationship with you he can apologize.

Don't feel pressured to get along because someone else wants you to. It wasn't them who got a black eye.

Thank you again. I'm feeling much better about the decision I've made to not make any more efforts with him and to wait and see if he makes the first move.
Some ideas here already but any other thoughts on how to handle my parents constant efforts to bring us back together? It's making me quite angry that they are piling on this pressure when I feel it's largely down to them anyway! I don't want to get into all that with them, I just need a few good lines to use to keep them off my back and keep me from eventually losing it with them. DM sends me photographs of DB and I and DF will call me out of the blue to 'discuss making up with DB.' It's getting very annoying now.

Dear OP I'm in the same boat with both of my brothers cutting me off. It isn't always possible to have 'happy families' and after a long period of trying to achieve this I have let go now.

How about saying to your parents that they are speaking to the wrong person, they need to talk to your DB not you.

'You need to talk to him, not me, he's the one who hated me and said he never wanted to see me again'. Repeat, repeat, repeat. If they won't shut up, say 'I have to go now' and end the conversation - hang up or leave the building.

I guess I'm realising that maybe DB has actually inherited much of their volatility and problems, whereas I thought we had both managed to break free of them

Exactly. He can't admit socking you as a teenager and doesn't believe he did anything wrong. It now transpires he's still verbally abusive too.
It's all about him missing out on a relationship with this relation. Where is the concern for you?

You're under no obligation to remain in contact with someone who behaves like that. And if your parents put pressure on you, you can point out that if they hadn't been abusive themselves DB may not have ended up like this. It's none of their business.

Some ideas here already but any other thoughts on how to handle my parents constant efforts to bring us back together? It's making me quite angry that they are piling on this pressure when I feel it's largely down to them anyway!

Just tell them exactly that. You don't have to get drawn in to some drawn out post mortem of the past. Just tell them that, and refuse further discussion.

It's totally inappropriate for them to be involving themselves in the circumstances.

You are not the families peacekeeper.

Your dad, mum, brother are responsible for their own actions.

They all sound toxic, not what you or your children need in your lives.

You may find reading the 'stately home' threads helpful.

Keep your boundaries strong around your own family Op, keep yourself safe from more emotional trauma.

It is shit that you are going through this, but you sound like a strong and good person.