Realising any relationship with brother is over

[Doodymoody]

Brother and I had a tough upbringing: Alcohol dependent parents, shouting, swearing, some violence. I left home during late teens after DB gave me a black eye and I realised I wasn't willing to live in that environment anymore. I was no angel, but did not cause DB any injuries (aside from scratches as children).
I had lots of therapy, got a degree, a decent job and have ended up doing 'ok.' I see my parents but have low expectations of them- they have since divorced and are in healthier relationships. Brother has gone down a similar path as me: therapy, good job, marriage. We both still hve anxiety and depression and seek help when we need to. It took a few years after leaving home for DB and I to regain contact, we had both matured and forgave each other for the horrible things we said and did (or so I thought.)
I felt we would be able to stick together and support each other as adults, realising our parents failed us, but be there for each other.
Things were fine for a number of years, we got along well, until a family member died and our past was dredged up again due to the family member being a great support of mine when I was forced to leave home and not for my brother.
A flippant comment revealed his anger about this, which I never knew existed, I stuck up for myself, explaining how I needed someone to take me in at that time as I had nowhere to live. The family member then took my side. DB argued that he did nothing wrong at the time. I never realised he still felt this way.
We left it at that for a few weeks until I sent a text inviting him to DCs birthday and I'm response I received a barrage of abuse. I had been going through a tough time emotionally and he told me that DH should leave me, he hated me, I was selfish and he never wanted to see me or my family again.
I was devastated but accepted this.
This was 1 year ago, I am still very upset, but so,e of the things he said I feel were unforgivable. My parents however have recently begun piling on pressure for me to try and 'make amends' with DB and I feel so angry when they put this pressure on me as DB has made this decision. I also can't help but feel a bitterness towards my parents: without the volatility of our upbringing, I doubt that DB and I would be here in the first place.
I'm saddened as DCs ask about DB all the time and I feel he's rejected them Aswell as me. I can't change what has happened, but I just feel so sad about it. I've tried explaining to parents that DB has said some unforgivable things, but they don't listen.
Any thoughts?

I agree, it is inappropriate for them to get involved. It appears that lack of taking responsibility is an on-going family trait. Sorry to hear of other posters stories here; I'm very ashamed to discuss the ongoings of my family to anyone, even DH sometimes. To hear other people have experienced and are experiencing similar things is quite eye-opening as you often think other families are "normal!"

Thank you Occams. I've tried hard to come out of the turmoil of my upbringing a better person so it's nice when someone can say that I sound strong and good.
I couldn't wait to grow up as a child, to escape it all and as an adult, I very much feel 'free' so it's very frustrating when I get sucked into emotional dramas again. I think protecting myself emotionally with firm boundaries is going to be really important.

You seem to have acepted your past and moved on.
Sadly your bother is enjoying being the victim and not noticing what you both went through was horrific.
I think if your parent bring up your brother just keep stating "that's is between me and bother but thank you." And change the subject.
Just keep brushing it aside and they will get the message....eventually. You may have to say it a bit at first.
Well done OP for being so mature. I don't know if I could be as string you have done well for yourself.

Another thing is my parents constantly talking about my brother whenever I see them "brother is doing this, brother is doing that..." and it's really not helping. I just want to be left alone to get on with my life. I've just looked back at the messages he sent and they are quite honestly awful with no acknowledgement of anything he has done to me at all. No mention of his violence towards me just "scars on my arms from when you scratched me when I was little" He says. He was 18 when he gave me a back eye. I had to go to a+e alone because I thought he had broken my nose. No acknowledgement of any of this. I've read back my own response to his message which he never received as he blocked my number before I could send it and its so respectful and reasonable a response. I envision him trying to get in touch eventually, but he needs to hear my response before we could ever move forward. In his eyes and my parents eyes this will be me dragging things out. He's actually a childish, manipulative little so and so as he's left it so long now that if I were to try and defend myself, I'd be considered the bad guy carrying things on.
We are expecting amother baby next month, I've a feeling he's going to want to make amends to see the new baby, but having just read back over those old messages, I'm reeling. There won't be any moving forward without an apology from him and no doubt I'll have to listen to my parents favourite phrase "it's 6th of one and half a dozen of the other" as if we're children again.
I just want all of this crap to leave me alone.

OP, I really feel for you. You have overcome so much and it sounds like your life is now a peaceful one. Well done for making that happen for yourself.

I have similar stuff in my family - a younger brother who takes no responsibility for anything, who was a moody controlling dictator when we lived at home, who everybody pandered to. He's now an angry, self-destructive adult with a dreadful alcohol problem. He screamed at me that I was an effing c-word a few years ago during a family dinner. He has never laid hands on me as an adult although it wouldn't have surprised me. Like you, I had not one word of support or comfort from anyone in the family after this happened, but lots of pressure from parents to stay in touch and make amends and all that crap.

I'm no longer in touch with him. I see him if there is a family gathering, and we're civil with each other, but that's it. I feel mostly ok about it. Like you, I have been in therapy for several years and have pretty good boundaries these days. I do not need someone in my life who thinks so little of me and who I find frightening and dangerous. Same for you OP - you don't need to be around someone who would give you a black eye and then deny it.

Your parents have absolutely no right to put all of this on you. It's not your job to roll over and accept your brother's horrendous treatment of you just to keep them happy. I think its a good thing that you still have his messages and can read them back when you're wavering. I sometimes remember something my family said or did and I'm shocked all over again at how they treat me. Carry on standing up for yourself and holding on to those boundaries. You have fought hard for them x

My brother is also younger Lotta. Why is it 'ok' for them to behave like idiots whilst we're expected to be the reasonable, forgiving ones? Don't want to go down the sexism route but it does make you wonder.
I'm finding it more difficult at the moment I think as DH is having to be a big support to his sister whose marriage has broken down and I feel it more when I see how great a brother he is to her.
A few lines I could say then : "He says he hates me, that he never wants to see me again and that DH would be better off without me. And he's blocked my number so I can't even respond. You're speaking to the wrong person and I'm also much happier without abusive people in my life." Or is that too long-winded?

'You're speaking to the wrong person '

I would leave it at that. And then change the subject. The more explaining and justifying you try to do, the more ammunition you give them. You don't have to explain yourself to them.

You're dead right to be heading down the sexism route by the way. My brother was the only boy and also the youngest, and he was treated so differently to my sister and I. My parents would deny that when challenged (champion gaslighters) but it was true. From simple things like never being expected to help out with household chores, but being praised to the heavens when he did lift a finger, to being allowed to bully and belittle us as teenagers and adults. He was absolutely the golden child of the family, which carries its own burdens I know.