Would genuinely like some opinions as I’m not sure where to gauge this situation. I’m autistic and find it hard to judge.
I’m 25 and have recently moved out of the home I own with my ex boyfriend (had some sound advice here about that too) and home to my parents. My Mum has cancer (prognosis is good but in the midst of chemo currently). The plan is to stay here to save to buy my ex out of my house.
I pay minimal rent (£120 per month) at my Mum’s insistence as I am trying to save the money to buy the house. My brother aged 21 also still lives here and pays the same. As there are 4 adults with full time salaries and the house is mortgage free I actually feel that £120 is probably near a quarter of the bills anyway. I offer to do the shopping each week also (not allowed) and run errands whenever required, clean the bathrooms (3 of them), clean up after myself, keep my own room tidy, do my own washing and ironing and always offer to do theirs (not allowed) and offer to cook whenever required (always told no and then when I do my Dad always says he doesn’t like it).
That is the crux of the issue really; my Dad wanting help with the house etc because of my Mum being ill, I offer/ask what needs doing, he says nothing and then rages at me for not helping.
Several notable incidences:
-Today he told me the bathrooms must be cleaned by 6pm. I said fine, went for a run at 1, was back by 3 ready to clean and he had already started doing them. I said “I’m going to do them” and he said “well you obviously weren’t as you haven’t left yourself enough time”. No notable evening plans, only his 6pm deadline. I assumed 3 hours plenty of time to clean 3 bathrooms? I do it reliably everyweek though sometimes switch days between Saturday and Sunday.
- using the tumble dryer is banned as he thinks it a waste but my working day plus commute is 12 plus hours so often my only chance to wash is at the weekend and I have to wait to make sure the machine is free. The other week he made me hang my washing out in the rain 🤔 but today as I was hanging it out he told me “no point as it won’t dry in the cold”. I asked if I could use the dryer then and was told no. Wet washing around the house is also not allowed. It’s nearly impossible to get my washing done!
- he does not allow any food waste in inside bins. Or recycling (aka loo roll tubes) in the bathroom bins. To get to the outside bin I must walk through three rooms, unlock the garage, put my shoes in, climb a ladder to the top shelf in the garage to retrieve the back door key, unlock back door and walk across the garden to the bins. And reverse to get back in. It is not acceptable to leave anything on a side to maybe take out later. I have sensory issues that make repeated trips outside difficult for me.
-he is obsessed with food waste and not having excess food in the house yet regularly throws away a batch of food (e.g. pasta) I have made and made extra for a couple of days of work lunches.
-after a couple of days of no food in the house and no dinner and no food to make any with I told my Mum I was concerned about the lack of food in the house and offered to shop. He overheard and came in and yelled at me that I shouldn’t even need to ask that I should just know that they are too stressed to bother with food right now and do it anyway ( I am autistic but think maybe this would be a stretch even for someone neurotypical?). I had text and asked if they wanted me to pick up any shopping on my way home each day that week and each day been told no, someone else would go.
He criticises small things like what time I shower (sometimes later in the weekends as there is no point showering before a run).
Is it me? Do I not do enough? I constantly offer but get told no and he also rushes around trying to do things so quickly that no one else has a chance to help. If you try and help the way you do something is criticised so sometimes I do avoid it a bit.
I am very career focussed but when an article on the news came on the other day he went off on a massive rant about how women can’t ever expect to get paid as much because eventually they have to quit and look after children. This went on to how the government is crap and is ruining the country and things like how he looks at fat people in the cancer unit and thinks they don’t deserve their treatment as they brought it on themselves. It was pretty scary and unhinged.
For context I work 10-11 hour days in a demanding job in a bank but need lots of rest to cope with this and my autism. My brother is 21, works less hours with a shorter commute and does not lift a finger. My Dad delivers their washing and ironing for my Grandma to do each week and even his plates are carried from the table to the dishwasher for him after dinner. My Mum and Dad both think that boys should not do housework.
What is this? Is it bad? Am I not doing enough? Should I pay more? Tonight he told my lovely Nanny who came round to cook us all a rost dinner that she couldn’t possibly understand how hard it is for him even though my Nanny also nursed my Grandad through years of chemo. I told him he should apologise as it was a horrible thing to say and he told me I should feel lucky he didn’t yell at more people as there were lots of people that deserved it.
I know a lot of you will say it’s because of the stress of my Mum’s illness which is probably true to an extent. But he has always been like this. I remember him throwing all of my possessions out my bedroom window when I was 17 as I got my nails done in a 2 hour break in a 16 hour split shift instead of coming home and tidying. My childhood memories are of him yelling, mainly about money and how resentful he was that we cost him money and how we were never grateful enough that he put food on the table.
Sorry that was huge but I had such supportive responses before that helped me make a good decision that I would appreciate it again.