Consent to be filmed

[Smithm59]

Hi Everyone this is the first time I have ever posted on a forum but I am at my wits end today. Last night my husband filmed us having sex. He only told me afterwards. He cannot understand why I am so upset. This comes on the back of him constantly checking mt phone when i am not looking. I only know this as I have caught him at it. Am I making a big deal out of nothing.

Also check your PC - He could have put it online (If so- its classed as revenge porn (If you're in the UK)) or downloaded it from the SD card on there.
Depending how PC savy he is it shouldn't be hard to find.

OP your husband is a total cunt. Report him to police for filming without your consent or knowledge and get out of this toxic marriage as fast as you can.

You are not treating this seriously.

Thanks for updating. I hope you get some progress in the counselling.

I don’t understand the point of counselling when he not only doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, but actively blames you for his criminal behaviour!!

So HIM filming YOU, without your consent, is your fault!?
Wow - that is low and he has some serious issues.
He is controlling and jealous and it is NEVER recommended to have counselling with an abuser.
Please ensure your counsellor knows, before you go, that your DH is abusive.
Do you like him at all?
30 years in, I can see why you wouldn't want to leave.
But can you imagine a life free of this?
How good would that feel?
Do you have young DC together at all?
If not and they have left home then this is a no brainer.
Report to the police on 101 and get it logged.
This is completely illegal

I have four kids. 23/22/19 and a little girl age 13. I know I need to leave but the thought of breaking their hearts makes my heart stop beating. They are fantastic kids. I don't think I can do that to them. My heart is breaking over this but this has been going on a lifetime with my husband. First it was money then my job and now this. Does anyone ever feel that you just want to go to sleep for a year because that's how I feel.

Fortunately for me, I can't understand that.
But you and your feelings are real.
Please do speak with Womens Aid (0808 2000 247) about all of this.
It's really not right.
The fact your DC are all OK is great.
It can often have a deep and lasting impact.
You know you need to leave.
But WA can help you initially come to terms with things.

Your kids will be fine. Only one is actually a child anyway! No kid would rather see their mother live in an abusive environment than have their parents split up.

Hi everyone I just want to give u abit of background to my life. Please be honest. This really is not all his fault. After I had my first two kids I went job sharing and eventually took a year off work. I had very little money coming in. He was working two jobs earning brilliant money and buying loads of property but giving me very little to run the house feed the kids etc . I could not just take money out of the account as I had no card in my name and he scrutinized the bank accounts. So instead of manning up and insisting on access to the money I started taking out loans to bridge the gap. It was always for school uniforms, Christmas etc but he did not know about it until I was in hugh debt and had to tell him. He went mad, phoned my family and told them what I had done, went mad in the local credit union of which my neighbors are on the bord of management and told his brother. I deserved this but thankfully my family rallied around me and did not ostracize me. They closed ranks and kept him from verbally abusing me. He lent me the money to repay the loans and I went back to work, working three jobs to pay him back. I have struggled big time with my neighbors knowing what I did but I don't blame him. I blame myself for being such a wuss and not being able to insist on full access to our money.
That's it guys. If I could go back in time it would be to slap my younger self across the face and tell me man up and not be so afraid of confrontation with him.

I’m getting tired of saying the same thing - he’s a dick. Ditch him.

Also, he didn’t lend you money to repay loans taken out to pay for school uniforms. He paid the loans with family money that should never have been needed in the first place because HE SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE FUCKING UNIFORMS!!! He is entirely responsible for the whole bloody thing. Pull yourself together and stop making excuses for his shitty and criminal behaviour.

This is heartbreaking, all the things he's done to you and have convinced you are your fault have completely shattered your self worth. Please contact Women's Aid who will hopefully help you understand that you have been the victim of financial and emotional abuse for many years.

This really is not all his fault
Yes it is.

He was working two jobs earning brilliant money and buying loads of property but giving me very little to run the house feed the kids etc
^^ note my first point. He was not supporting you or his children, you were no doubt better off on your own I bet!

He went mad, phoned my family and told them what I had done, went mad in the local credit union of which my neighbors are on the bord of management and told his brother
Oh did this dickhead fail to mention IT WAS HIS FAULT HE GAVE YOU FUCK ALL TO HELP YOU?

I deserved this
No - IT WAS HIS FAULT

He lent me the money to repay the loans
You're married, what the fuck?

working three jobs to pay him back
again - you paid HIM back, he essentially paid fuck all for the childrens uniforms

He is abusing you in EVERY WAY.

Women's Aid is something you NEED here. Please!

Ah so because he lent you some money, he was entitled to take videos of you. I see. Better make sure I give my boyfriend that fiver back before he takes intimate videos of me without my consent too.

Ffs

OP have a read of this www.standard.co.uk/news/bbc-man-who-secretly-filmed-himself-having-sex-with-lovers-is-jailed-6732316.html

He has convinced you that you are responsible for actions which are wholly his responsibility.

You have done nothing wrong and are the victim of abuse on several levels. Please contact women's aid and they can guide you through accepting what is happening to you x

I'm really not meaning to be flippant but what the hell has him not trusting you, you working away from home or having some debt years ago have to do with filming sex with you?
The things don't correlate.
He sounds as if he'd done a good job on you OP.
Can you see that it wouldn't matter what you'd done? You could have committed any sort of heinous crimean the past . It still doesn't give him the right to film you

www.lancashiretelegraph.co.uk/news/15610779.Former_policeman_Jayson_Lobo_has_been_jailed_for_three_years_for_a_string_of_voyeurism_offences/

Another one prisoned for filming sex without consent.

It would break your DC hearts if you left an abuser?
Really?

OP he did not film you because he doesn’t trust you due to your past issues. With all due respect, its not as though he thought you’d be taking out loans during sex.

How do you know whether this is the first time he’s done such a thing? Does he have a smart phone? This could very well just be the only time you’ve found out. If you can do so safely, try to access his phone/emails to see if there are other photos or videos.

I hope you find the strength to leave, as this is not acceptable behaviour.
I’d kind of understand it (but still not be okay with) if he was just a stupid teen getting over excited and doing something stupid in the heat of the moment. But this is a grown man, who has planned this out and purposely wanted to film you without your knowledge (for what purposes you still don’t know).

You are being abused every which way from Christmas.

You are the sole person responsible for your children - he is paying nothing!

Please phone women's aid. You cannot go on like this and nor can your children. To be a good father you have to be a good man. He is not.