Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Consent to be filmed

72 replies

Smithm59 · 14/01/2018 15:43

Hi Everyone this is the first time I have ever posted on a forum but I am at my wits end today. Last night my husband filmed us having sex. He only told me afterwards. He cannot understand why I am so upset. This comes on the back of him constantly checking mt phone when i am not looking. I only know this as I have caught him at it. Am I making a big deal out of nothing.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 14/01/2018 17:25

Get hold of the camera. Hide it. You MUST get it deleted.

He can say what he wants. He filmed you doing something intimate he is totally and utterly in the wrong.

TittyGolightly · 14/01/2018 17:25

You can get Wi-fi memory cards that might upload to cloud storage.

Moussemoose · 14/01/2018 17:26

YOU delete it. YOU make sure it is gone.

Rubyslippers7780 · 14/01/2018 17:26

Police. Seriously, this is awful. Who knows what he has already filmed.
This is not your fault.

Polarbear46 · 14/01/2018 17:43

Police will sure work out where it is.
Phone them.
Doesnt matter hes your husband, you didnt marry into this.

Angelf1sh · 14/01/2018 17:46

He specifically bought a camera so that he could film you two having sex (without telling you in advance) because he doesn’t trust you? That makes absolutely no sense. Don’t let him gaslight you, you are not wrong here, he’s talking utter shit.

aftertheevent · 14/01/2018 17:59

What really worries me about men who do this is their attitudes and beliefs behind it. He thinks he is ENTITLED to film you and sees you as a sexual object in the worst way.
Also I'd be wondering how he got to have such entitlement. Porn probably and he could easily be sharing with other sick wierdos.
He can't see what he did wrong because he thinks he owns you and has the right to do what he wants. Bloody awful.

Flisspaps · 14/01/2018 18:01

I suspect this is a very thin end of a very big wedge and there's a whole heap of stuff OP will come to realise.

Stay safe OP.

YY to police. You did not consent to sex on those terms.

Maelstrop · 14/01/2018 18:19

He’s gaslighting you. Filmed you because he doesn’t trust you? What utter bullshit.

SoEmbarrassing · 14/01/2018 18:25

I'm so sorry OP. Have had a similar experience, although not sex specifically, but I found it very hard to deal with. This would have meant divorce for me.

How did you find out - did he tell you? How soon after did you find out? Just wondering whether he's had time to transfer the files from the card to a computer or not.
If you can find out the model of camera (should say on the camera itself) you can find out if it's wi-for enabled and if so could have been sent to a computer without the card being removed.

missmorleyme · 14/01/2018 18:25

The fact that he expects you to be okay with it and accept it is humiliating, he should have talked to you before hand, not just took it upon himself and decide you will approve. Report him, its a betrayal of trust and probably illegal on some level. If this was me i would have smashed every recording device and memory card up and told him its no big deal and to just accept what i am doing, as ha lle has done to you. I think this is utterly disgusting. I hope you resolve this, good luck.

Pennydropper · 14/01/2018 18:34

Completely agree with pp, this is horrendous breach of trust and not to be tolerated. I would be concerned about what other intrusions of privacy he has previously committed as he clearly has no regard whatsoever for your personal space.

So sorry this has happened. I hope you have some RL support too x

DragonBone · 14/01/2018 18:35

This would be the straw that breaks the camels back for me, 30 years - and he doesn't trust you ?! Wtf. ?

To film without consent is a crime in itself - id at least see a solicitor and get some advice and if the vid isn't deleted and memory card destroyed I'd boot him out and report to police. What is he hoping to achieve ffs ?

43percentburnt · 14/01/2018 18:43

If he does not trust you he may be using this to make you modify your behaviour - there's a chance he will threaten or suggest he will show others this if you don't behave.

You should get hold of the memory card and go to the police station.

I am guessing he is abusive in other ways?

I am also guessing but those who are controlling and think you are cheating are often the ones who are up to no good.

Shoxfordian · 14/01/2018 20:54

He's broken your trust and you can't stay with him

Its completely disgusting behaviour

Original poster
Smithm59 · 15/01/2018 14:27

Thanks everyone for the advice. Really appreciate it.

OP posts:
ClaryFray · 15/01/2018 16:56

Get hold of the SIM card - don't delete it. It's evidence. Keep the card on you, or give it to a friend.

Then report to the police.

PeaPodPopper · 15/01/2018 17:11

Op, even if you delete the memory card don't give it back to him as it is still possible to recover images.

As others have said call the police, his actions are illegal and vile.

GrooovyLass · 15/01/2018 17:16

There's only one person who's untrustworthy here and it's not you.

mummyhaschangedhername · 15/01/2018 17:18

I'm sorry he did this OP. I echo what the others have said.

Original poster
Smithm59 · 17/01/2018 14:46

Thanks all. I have organized counsel for us but it is all my fault as I have a job that requires me to travel a lot and he doesn't trust me apparently!!!

OP posts:
Polarbear46 · 17/01/2018 14:53

He doesnt trust you because YOU found out about HIM filming you without your consent?

Why the hell are you even considering counselling with someone who isnt looking to be honest and truthful? What a waste of everyones time and money! this guy is an utter manipulator in every sense !

Polarbear46 · 17/01/2018 14:54

Your considering counselling with a criminal, by the way

Tenshidarkangel · 17/01/2018 14:58

Having been in a similar situation -

He's gaslighting you.
Go to the Police or ring 101
Take the camera and SD card with you.
LTB.

Shoxfordian · 17/01/2018 14:58

He is a nasty manipulative idiot
Don't have counselling, have a divorce