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Original poster

Meeting up with 'ex'

33 replies

TattyHetty · 13/01/2018 23:37

I say 'ex' as we only dated for about half a year, but was very intense. When we first met, I really wasn't looking for or interested in a meaningful relationship, but ended up falling for him hard. He broke things off and I was devastated.

He turned up in my city just over half a year later wanting to meet up, but I decided nothing could be gained from it and told him I didn't want to, only for us to bump into each other at a random night out (fully suspect it wasn't a coincidence, even though he maintained that it was). Nothing happened, but it was an awkward encounter that dredged up a lot of shit feelings from the past.

Since then, we've messaged each other a few times off the cuff. He's now back in town and wants to meet up. I haven't responded to his message yet. I would be a fool to agree, but there's a part of me that really wants to see him, and it's like I'm watching a horror movie where everyone is screaming, don't go there, and the character does exactly what they shouldn't.

FWIW, my love life has been pretty much non-existent since he broke things off (completely unlike me!!), and there's a part of me that is clearly still hung up on him. So, I guess I know that IWBU to agree to meeting up, but I need a bit of handholding and reassurance. MNers, please give me strength and save me from myself!

OP posts:
MelloDee · 13/01/2018 23:40

Why did he break it off?

SandyY2K · 13/01/2018 23:43

There doesn't seem to be anything to gain from the meeting....Especially after how the last one went.

ThisLittleKitty · 13/01/2018 23:43

Also want to know why he broke up with you?

butterfly56 · 14/01/2018 00:05

It seems as though this guy likes the thrill of the chase!
Better off not replying OP unless you're into weird games Flowers

Original poster
TattyHetty · 14/01/2018 00:10

In the times we spent together, we ended up arguing over various things (looking back, I couldn't even begin to tell you why).

First time, it was because I was meeting up with one of my clients in his city (quick informal drinks with the client, his wife, and friends) and I asked if he'd like to come. He said he didn't, so we agreed (or so I thought!) that I would go for a quick one and meet up with him afterwards. Yet when I got ready to leave, he was annoyed that I wasn't still asking or expecting him to come with me (apparently, he was just being sarcastic the numerous times he said he didn't want to come Hmm). When I then said he was more than welcome to come, he said it was clear I didn't want him to, so he wouldn't. I was already running late, so headed off and said we should catch up later, only for him to pack his stuff and leave the hotel we were staying at, without telling me.

Other times, he'd fall into weird moods. If I tried to ask him what was wrong, he was fairly unresponsive, yet if I stopped asking in an attempt to give him space, I was accused of being in a mood and pulling away.

He'd claim that he cared about me and we spoke pretty much every day, but would then say he wasn't looking for anything serious, yet would get annoyed at the thought or hint of me seeing other people (even though I wasn't).

There was another weird time where he told me how he'd driven his other ex a bit crazy (he'd spoken to her recently and she'd told him that, supposedly). When I asked why he felt the need to tell me that, he'd say we were just having a conversation and there was nothing to read from it.

His eventual reason for breaking things off - I was expecting more than he was willing to give Confused

Eurgh, the more of these incidents I recall, the more I want to slap myself. I'm better than this, FFS! Confused

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 14/01/2018 00:12

Nope don't meet him!

MelloDee · 14/01/2018 00:22

Nope, he likes one games. He got off on the head-fuckery he inflicted on you. Hes a gas lighter and it sounds like he's proud of the same shit he inflicted on his previous ex.

Block him. Go totally NC.

MelloDee · 14/01/2018 00:22

*mind games

disneydatknee · 14/01/2018 00:30

Why is it you want to meet up with him? Some sort of closure? I personally wouldn’t. You didnt date for that long and although you seem hung up on him, I can’t see it ending well if you did respond to him. Leave him in the past. Usually ex’s are ex’s for a good reason.

springydaff · 14/01/2018 01:33

If you strike up another relationship the same thing will happen again ie he will end it out of the blue on some weak premise.

Just as long as you're prepared for that.

He sounds thoroughly bad news. He was doing all that shit and you hadn't been seeing one another long? when you were supposed to be in the 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship? Imagine what he'd be like over time - I dread to think tbf.

These bad sorts can have a very powerful pull to them, that draws you in like a siren. iiwy I'd look at it the 12 step way re: you don't have to give in today. Keep it in the day. Pace yourself, as day at a time.

CollyWombles · 14/01/2018 01:54

Do not go and meet him OP. He is emotionally immature from the sounds of it and emotionally abusive. It took me five years in total to get away from an ex like that. I'd walk on egg shells, he would finish it and then weeks or months even later, he would be over his temper at whatever and start messaging me again. All lovely for another month or so then repeat. You do not need a man like him!

Angelf1sh · 14/01/2018 06:56

He sounds terrible! Don’t go, you’ll gain nothing and possibly set yourself back a bit. I’d block and delete if I were you. And if you “coincidentally” bump into him then I’d nod hello and move on. He’s definitely fucking with your head, probably just for fun.

DippyDoohDahDay · 14/01/2018 07:11

He doesn't sound like a very nice person.
Gas lighting indeed. It would be like picking a scab....you have done some healing and in some time you will be glad you didn't open up the wound....right ..analogy gross and gone too far...the point is, those kinds of relationships always damage. You can do better OP, for sure

Original poster
TattyHetty · 14/01/2018 08:41

I do miss him (well, the good parts!) but need to keep reminding myself that you're all right - I can, and should, do better.

OP posts:
ATeardropExplodes · 14/01/2018 08:44

He is a mindfucker - do not go near him.

BackInTheRoom · 14/01/2018 09:14

@TattyHetty

He's insecure and will punish you for everything that triggers his insecurities. You'd have to be one step ahead of every situation In order to minimise his distress of potential triggers. Fuck that OP! He wants to hook up for sex!

BackInTheRoom · 14/01/2018 09:16

@TattyHetty

The reason you've been single since, is because he did a number on you! His mind fuckery, fucked your brain! Let this muppet go, you're so much more than playing his games.

SendintheArdwolves · 14/01/2018 09:38

This is just the next step of his ego trip - he wants to see if he can still reel you in even after treating you so casually/unkindly. Think of the massive boost you will give his ego by agreeing to meet with him.

Guys like this honestly get off on power games - he knows full well how much he upset you, and he knows how much it knocked you off centre when you guys "accidentally" bumped into each other. He probably has a shrewd idea of how hard you're agonising about getting back to him.

If I was you, I would ignore the message entirely. If you respond at all, he will get ego kibbles, and he'll probably regard it as the beginning of negotiations rather than the no it actually is.

piinkbubbles · 14/01/2018 09:45

He sounds absolutely awful. I agree it's an ego thing for him.

If I was you I wouldn't reply and I'd block him.

loveyoutothemoon · 14/01/2018 10:17

No!

Not sure why you'd entertain the idea. He sounds like a prat.

Olikingcharles · 14/01/2018 10:21

DON"T Meet him. He's just playing with you!!!

Hermonie2016 · 14/01/2018 10:27

in order to minimise his distress of potential triggers

This is so accurate.A rational person struggles to understand the irrational nature of his triggers so you end up spending your life walking on eggshells.The good never outweighs the bad in the end as his behaviour will just escalate.

The reason you struggle with ending it is because it is so irrational and each time you think "what was that about, if I communicate differentely it won't happen"

Just walk away, knowing he is bad news so you have dodged a bullet.

ClaryFray · 14/01/2018 10:39

Mind games.

I had one like this, he wanted to keep it casual I wanted more. I broke it off, and he keeps asking if we can meet up. No good will come of it.

BackInTheRoom · 14/01/2018 10:42

@TattyHetty

First time, it was because I was meeting up with one of my clients in his city (quick informal drinks with the client, his wife, and friends) and I asked if he'd like to come. He said he didn't, so we agreed (or so I thought!) that I would go for a quick one and meet up with him afterwards. Yet when I got ready to leave, he was annoyed that I wasn't still asking or expecting him to come with me (apparently, he was just being sarcastic the numerous times he said he didn't want to come ). When I then said he was more than welcome to come, he said it was clear I didn't want him to, so he wouldn't. I was already running late, so headed off and said we should catch up later, only for him to pack his stuff and leave the hotel we were staying at, without telling me.

This screams of Narcissism. If he'd have attended this occasion, he would NOT have been centre of attention! So he punished you! How dare you OP!

There was another weird time where he told me how he'd driven his other ex a bit crazy (he'd spoken to her recently and she'd told him that, supposedly). When I asked why he felt the need to tell me that, he'd say we were just having a conversation and there was nothing to read from it.

'TRIANGULATION' Narcissistic Triangulation?

Him now contacting you, Narcissistic Supply?

You not being able to get over him, cause he's a narc?!

Jeannie78 · 14/01/2018 10:44

Don't meet up. He sounds awful. You know he'll 'drive you crazy' just like he did his ex, don't you? Don't go out of curiosity - you know what that did to the cat. Resist, resist, resist!!

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