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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Racism from sister?

32 replies

Ladyvird135 · 13/01/2018 15:10

Hi all. Really don't know what to do. Sorry but this got long.

So I've been dating the most gorgeous, funny, lovely man for around 5 months. Things are going really well. The problem is my sister.

My boyfriend is black. My sister has never met him, (opposite ends of country) but she dislikes him. And I'm afraid that's because of his skin colour. her reactions to him make me very uncomfortable.

When I first showed her a picture, she frowned and said 'not what I was expecting...'
When I ask what she means, she just said 'oh he's so... tall' Hmm
I brushed it off, but things have gotten worse.

Other quotes:
'where is he from? No, where is he REALLY from?'
'Oh he has a degree, what a suprise!'
'Be extra careful with this one, he could hurt you real bad'
'I'm so suprised you guys are still going out, I thought it was just a bit of fun.'
'I just don't like rap... No offense to xxx' (a piece of rap came on the radio, no prompting from me!)
'you talk different when you've been round his' (I don't, he has the same, standard English accent as me!)

It's just her attitude. She is constantly asking if I'm sure he's the one, warning me to be careful, expressing dislike about him. Other boyfriends have all been met with 'he's so handsome' and 'am I going to be an auntie?' whereas she's acting strange and put off when I'm talking about him. I've asked her whether she has a problem with his colour before and she just laughs it off. My mum and rest of family are nothing but complimentary.

So here's the thing. She and the rest of the family are coming down to visit soon. I really want to invite him and mum is keen to meet him. However, I don't know what to say to my sister. I'm so angry about the way she acts about him, and I don't want her to behave this way or make stupid comments to him. She might not even say anything to him. If I confront her, I know she'll go nuts and act as if I've hurt her. She'll cry to mum about how I'm being spiteful. If I say nothing, this is going to boil over,and I'll feel so disloyal to my boyfriend. We have an otherwise great relationship and I've never had to face something like this. Maybe you won't even agree she's being racist.

How do I talk to her? Do I? Do you think this sounds racist?

OP posts:
TheQueenOfWands · 13/01/2018 15:12

I reckon she's jealous, not racist.

bunnybananas · 13/01/2018 15:59

Sounds like racism to me. I'd go ahead with your plans to invite him and if she steps out of line I would be very direct and challenge her. It's not on.

bunnybananas · 13/01/2018 16:01

Something like "have you got a problem with X because he's black? Because a lot of your comments have been very negative". If she cries let her cry.

Cricrichan · 13/01/2018 16:05

Yuck. Hopefully, once she meets him she'll come to her senses otherwise I would tell her that unless she stops being racist, you will no longer see her. How odd that your parents aren't racist and she is though .

rcit · 13/01/2018 16:08

I’d get on with the plans to invite sister/mother etc. I wouldn’t confront sister in advance if she is prone to drama queen behaviour, I’d just get on with it as usual.

If she says anything racist whilst meeting your BF then ask her to leave.

Have you previously had any idea she is racist?

BeverlyGoldberg · 13/01/2018 16:13

She’s jealous AF which is manifesting itself in racism.

Does she have previous for being envious of you and making shitty comments in manner of “that’s a nice outfit, it really hides your [insert area of insecurity]”.

Angelf1sh · 13/01/2018 16:21

Sounds racist. I wouldn’t invite her.

ThisLittleKitty · 13/01/2018 16:22

What makes people think she's jealous? I'm not reading it that way at all. She's always been happy with the ops other bfs so can't be that it's jealous she has a bf? Sounds like racism to me.

BettyBaggins · 13/01/2018 16:42

Have you talked to your boyfriend about your sister? I imagine he will have developed a number of ways to deal with people like her. I know you probably feel embarrassed but he is likely to have the best advice and imagine what fun you can have winding her up, get him to put some mozart on and engage her in convo about philosophy. Wink

Monny1 · 13/01/2018 16:42

Yes, she is racist. Invite her and see how she reacts to him, then take it from there.

Missonihoni · 13/01/2018 16:44

I would play up to it say your going to a rap concert and your getting dreadlocks soon.

She sounds an arse.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2018 17:05

I reckon she's not that keen on you having a black boyfriend and doesnt want to outright say so.

I wouldn't go as far as saying she's racist though.

I think people often confuse prejudice for racism. We all have prejudices....but it's not her place to decide who you're with.

She obviously believes in stereotypes as well..which is quite narrow minded.

pog100 · 13/01/2018 17:27

Does she live in a very white area? Does she actually mix with any people of colour at all? It all sounds like very old fashioned racism of type I remember from the 60s and 70s! If you are lucky it will all dissolve once she meets the bloke. I would give her one chance but be ready to stick up for your bf at all times.

zzzzz · 13/01/2018 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fekko · 13/01/2018 17:40

I’d ask her outright if her problem is his colour. Don’t have her along when he comes to meet your mum - it will be a pain monitoring her to make sure she doesn’t say anything dumb.

BarbarianMum · 13/01/2018 18:25

Don't invite him, or engineer it so only your mum meets him. Why would you want to expose him to a racist, that's not very loving?

LemonSqueezy0 · 13/01/2018 20:53

Every time she says something similar to what you've mentioned above, reply with "what do you mean by that?" and wait for an answer. Don't let her move it on until she's said what she meant. This will draw it out in the open where it can be discussed or explained, while also openly supporting your partner.

SleepFreeZone · 13/01/2018 20:57

I read it as jealousy too.

ElliePhillips · 13/01/2018 21:04

It's not jealousy - it is blatant racism. I'm surprised people are reading it as anything but that.

Not sure how to play it OP if I were him (I'm Black, my husband is white) I would NOT want to be exposed to your sister's BS.

Original poster
Ladyvird135 · 13/01/2018 22:46

Hi everyone. Sorry for dissappearing. Waylaid. So glad it's not just me seeing the blatant racism. She lives in a very white area,as I used to. I doubt that she's registering that these things are racist. I feel like drawing it out of her as Lemonsqueezy said is a good Idea. It's such a shame it's driving this edge between us. I'm so mad.

OP posts:
Isetan · 15/01/2018 18:00

She sounds like a bitch, is this development in her character really news to you? I wouldn't want such a toxic witch anywhere near my home, let alone my bf. This is who she is, you won't change her but that doesn't mean you or your bf have to suffer her.

What are the rest of your family like? Be honest because it wouldn't be fair to subject your bf to racism just because you're in denial and so you can play happy families.

ElliePhillips · 15/01/2018 18:17

What are the rest of your family like? Be honest because it wouldn't be fair to subject your bf to racism just because you're in denial and so you can play happy families.

^^ This is an important point to think about OP

grasspigeons · 15/01/2018 18:27

I think you need an honest conversation with your sister even if it does make her cry.
the alternative is making you cry and your funny lovely bf feel like crap

SquirrelWatcher · 15/01/2018 18:30

One of my friends did this with DP. She admitted later she was jealous when we got together. We're not really friends now, mainly due to this.

Faking · 16/01/2018 19:37

I say see how she is on 'the day'. She's obviously got an image of how she perceives him to be because she's an idiot who lacks imagination.

If she kicks off, tell her that you will always love her but you do not want her negativity around you.

And shut the door in her face and live happily ever after. It is her problem to overcome. If she doesn't, then you have your answer.

I had this same crap from an ex's parents, when they found out I was pregnant. I won't tell you the lovely things they said to me Hmm