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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Seems like he's in it for the social aspect to me..

41 replies

FritzDonovan · 13/01/2018 11:46

Had a thread a while back about dh deciding he was now a deeply religious person (has chopped and changed religious interests, finally settled on one), and insisting on Sunday mornings at church, along with choir practice one evening a week. Not a wholly bad thing, I've supported him through years of his varying beliefs and time spent at church,
encouraging the DC because he wanted them involved too.
The problem lay in his insistence that any objections I raised were an attack on his deeply held religious beliefs. He was quite nasty about it at one point. At a time when he'd come back from working away for half the year, and had been spending a lot of time sightseeing /eating out/drinking/texting some colleague (f) past what I saw as appropriate, while barely having any contact with us, his DW and DC. The DC aren't interested in church now they're older as they find it boring and don't really believe. Apparently I've caused this.
Anyway, for one reason or another, the choir hasn't been practicing for many weeks, and during this time (both before and after xmas) he hasn't gone to church either. Not because we've had anything planned. I had a feeling from the start that the fuss he made about going was more about control than anything, and his main interest for going was social rather than a deeply held religious conviction. This seems to have been demonstrated by being completely disinterested when the choir isn't involved. Which makes his insistence that I was denying him his religious freedom rather odd.
I am categorically not starting a debate over rights of believers vs non believers, but asking what would your take be on this? He got his way, making out I was deliberately being nasty/mean not to want him to go every week, then doesn't go anyway. Is his interest more social/singing than actual religious belief?
(he doesn't do any alternative religious activity/worship)
Sorry it's so long. Tried not to drip feed!

OP posts:
Smeaton · 13/01/2018 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FritzDonovan · 13/01/2018 11:52

smeaton what legitimate complaint though? I got panned for my views on the previous thread.

OP posts:
MyAimIsTrue · 13/01/2018 11:54

I agree with the PP - why on earth are you with this cheating, hypocritical, AWFUL man?

lapetitesiren · 13/01/2018 11:59

I remember a thread of yours from before. I have also noticed some of the comments you have made on other threads. Your husband seems a very selfcentred man who does exactly as he pleases and has inconsistent values. See if he goes back when choir restarts.

FitBitFanClub · 13/01/2018 12:00

I'm afraid that the cynic in me is wondering if there's someone in the choir he's interested in. If he can't see her, then there's no point in going?

FritzDonovan · 13/01/2018 12:05

See if he goes back when choir restarts.
I'm very sure he's going to. Will be interesting to see if he goes to church this week. Every week he misses it (and just sits around on the computer instead) I feel a little bit more... taken advantage of?...manipulated? Not sure.
So if he does go back when choir starts again, what's your take on it lapetite?
fitbit... Funny you should say that. I wondered too...

OP posts:
Figrollsnotfatrolls · 13/01/2018 12:10

Pack his stuff and tell him he is going to be mighty uncomfortable sleeping on a pew....

lapetitesiren · 13/01/2018 12:11

I'd be interested to know what he's doing on his computer. You've mentioned problems about that i think. In the context of the thread before i was one of the people who thought the children should go to church but the more you tell the more i think you are being taken for a ride.

Mishappening · 13/01/2018 12:15

People have always used religion as a means to get their own way.

Religion or not, he does not sound good company, or anything like a life partner worth having.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/01/2018 12:16

He was just looking for something to argue about or try to control you - if it wasn't church it would be another hobby

He's basically an arsehole you should be leaving Thanks

Smeaton · 13/01/2018 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coyoacan · 13/01/2018 14:43

Another one who wonders why you are with him? Communications seems to have broken down and you no longer like each other.

Floralnomad · 13/01/2018 14:47

Do you actually ask him on a Sunday if he’s going to church and if so what does he say ? It doesn’t sound like you like each other very much at all and totally agree with everybody else why are you still with him .

Cambionome · 13/01/2018 19:15

He sounds awful. As you know already, op, he is using his "religious beliefs" to control you and to give himself a free pass to do whatever he wants.

He's a selfish bully.

eddielizzard · 13/01/2018 19:59

i think he likes someone in the choir.

why are you staying with him? doesn't sound like he adds much to your lives.

FritzDonovan · 13/01/2018 22:46

Putting aside the why are you with him comments (seems a bit of a low threshold to ltb over, also - DC, no job, the usual) what about the big declaration of spiritual belief, which is the bit I wonder about. Tbh, it wasn't directly after him getting back from working away, but we were still arguing about things from that period (and related other things). It's hard to integrate back into family life after being away a long time. Was church a way to have me time, and the great spirituality his argument for it? Was he newly interested and this has worn off somewhat? He's not saying and prob won't say any different from the original version, I just feel he was manipulative in playing the deep religion card, when it's not in evidence so much now. Maybe that's usual for church types though? (The settling down of religious demonstration, not the manipulation. )
Fwiw, the choir aspect started after he'd been at this particular church for a while. We have generally been getting on well apart from the odd blip related to issues with working away, but I don't think that's unusual for the circumstances.

OP posts:
welshmist · 13/01/2018 22:50

My friends husband did this choir thing. Turned out he was after a woman there. They split up over the woman in the end. Choir practice was a good cover, my friend had no idea what was going on. It was on the day they signed the sale of the house he told her he wanted a divorce the marriage was over. She later discovered through a neighbour the story of the other woman.

FritzDonovan · 13/01/2018 22:54

welsh hmm, so was he actually attending choir with the woman, or just using the time to see her elsewhere?

OP posts:
FritzDonovan · 13/01/2018 22:55

Your poor friend though. That's a shitty thing to do.

OP posts:
welshmist · 13/01/2018 22:56

No idea Fritz did not like to pry. A good cover though, much better than the gym or walking the dog.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2018 23:08

Perhaps he likes the singing...but why don't you ask why he hasn't been to church for the lady few weeks in.a nice way and see his response?

Gemini69 · 13/01/2018 23:11

he's a Fake Grin

FritzDonovan · 13/01/2018 23:21

It doesn't really matter what he says sandy, he'll have some plausible reason. Too tired, couldn't be bothered if choir wasn't singing, etc. I know he can lie convincingly to my face. If I then ask what happened to his really deep spiritual side over this time it will just cause him to get pissed off that I'm accusing him of something. He'll just say he doesn't need to be in church to pray (which is one thing I said to him way back). I've asked about other religious observations before, apparently he prays regularly. It's in his head, lying in bed on a night before he goes to sleep. Ie nothing you can refute despite a lack of visual confirmation of any kind.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 13/01/2018 23:28

ask him when he became so deluded.... shrug and walk away... every time... Flowers

CharizMa · 13/01/2018 23:40

he sounds like a blamer. He's not very nice to you. Blaming you that the DC don't believe is unfair to you and to them, he has changed his own mind along the way which is his prerogative but when they don't believe it has to be your fault!? so he has free will but you're his servant and the DC have no free will. ??

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