My mum and her criteria

[southernharp]

Bear with me. This might be a bit long. I live down under and my mum is in the uk. I am her only child and my dad died 7 years ago. She can be a difficult character- dogmatic and opinionated. I have two kids and am fairly recently separated from my H . It has been a very difficult road for me over the last year.

My mum, who is 80, has been pretty unwell over the last year (illness has not improved her temperament, just the same) and last Easter she paid for the flights for me and the kids to travel to the uk for a visit. I paid for all the other stuff, such as uk travel, groceries, trips out and I did all the cooking and laundry. We had a lovely time, although I did have to do a lot of ignoring and smiling. The kids love their granny though and had a ball. As part of the trip I caught up with old friends. I had a night at the beginning with a friend who picked us up at Heathrow before we got a train to my mums the next day and then I had 12 nights with my mum. I came back to London for 3 nights and the kids and I had an amazing time together sightseeing and I also caught up with school friends for a night and finally I had two nights with my Friend who picked us up from Heathrow and she arranged for a group of my uni friends to join us. My mum was a bit pissy about these arrangements.

I asked Mum to visit us this year, but her illness has got worse and she cant travel. So we are discussing going again. Again she has offered to pay for the flights and I will pick up the other expenses. This time I will need to take some leave without pay too - not much, but a few days. She is trying to dictate that I don't send any time anywhere except with her. Not see any friends or go anywhere else with the kids. So far I have said nothing, but obviously I really want to see my friends - it was so lovely to see them last year and I miss them so much. Also my kids had a crazy good time with me in London and it was lovely to share this with them after such a stressful time for all three of us. They are really keen to revisit some places and to go to other places. If I were paying for the flights I would put my foot down - but I am not. However my mum seems to think she is 'giving me a free trip' (it's not free- I pay for loads) and so she can pull the strings. I am tempted to nod and agree and just not tell her about a couple of nights in London and a couple of nights with my friends. Any advice?

@ BeyondThePage - Don't lie or make stuff up just to avoid an awkward conversation. Teach the kids that you face up to stuff.

Spot on!

"But I do want to support my mum despite our strained relationship"

I would further examine why you think this, she does not want to support you. Perhaps your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) are the driving forces behind that. If you put yourself in front of her she will continue to control you and in turn your kids.

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is, you did not make her that way. Your relationship is strained with her and the fact also that you have to smile and ignore re her is also most telling.

I think your idea of staying on a few extra days that she knows nothing about us great. She doesn't sound particularly nice and you're doing your duty by using your holiday and money to come to the UK. Since you see her so seldom and she's so old, it's not worth nor realistic to try and change the way she is. Your suggestion means that everyone is happy.

Do that op and enjoy it and don't feel guilty.

As you don't really want to go and would rather go to north Queensland (good choice!), then I would give it to her straight - you will come and visit but if you do you also want to see friends and take your kids to see some sights. If she retracts the offer of the flights, then you aren't coming and will go to Queensland instead. If this is more of a play for power than anything else, then she might change her tune pretty fast when she realizes you aren't going to be controlled.

Just be honest with her.....would you like your children to be honest with you.....

This is very controlling of her - to pay for the flights & dictate where you stay & who you see.

I wouldn't accept the strings attached personally, I would say I would defer the trip until I could afford to pay for it myself & be in charge of my own arrangements. I don't agree with the people who say if she's paying she is entitled to expect you to stay with her the whole time as I would imagine that with booking flights ahead there is not going to be a cost difference whether you stay for 2, 3 or 4 weeks etc - so she still gets the 2 weeks she "paid for" even if you stay longer.

If she was ill & you were doing an emergency visit, that's different, but in that situation you would likely prioritise her anyway.

Ask her how she'd feel if your friends paid for you to come to the UK and you didn't visit her because your friends wanted you to stick with them!

I have a mother like this who has tried to play exactly the same card. It's revolting.

Go see her and then go see your friends after without telling her. The less you tell, the less is their power.

Have a great time, there's no need to agonize over it. It's your life, make the most of it.

Whilst I think it's a little controlling of her, I just wouldn't be able to take someone's money whilst simultaneously lying to them about how it was being spent.

I also think that if you're only in the UK on rare occasions, it isn't exactly a hardship to expect people to travel to see you. The UK is a big enough place to be able to find things to do with your kids which don't entail travelling 6 hours to London.

For all those who are saying that it's out of order the OP 'taking nearly half the holiday to see other people'- hang on, 2 of those nights of 'seeing other people' are necessary in order to facilitate the travel!

Really REALLY long flight to UK - then stay near Heathrow before onward journey. Stay with friend - not ok according to OPMum. Just get straight on a train - pretty horrid and tiring and miserable. Stay in a hotel - that would be ok because it's not with a mate??

Same for the other way back.

If the OPMum lived in London or nearby I'd understand why she was annoyed but bearing in mind that 2 of the nights of 'seeing other people' are actually part of the ongoing arrangements, really what OPMum is pissed off about is 3 nights of time in London. That her grandchildren will never be able to do just on a whim. That they will remember forever. Who wants to be remembered as 'Do you remember when we went to England to see Granny but she wouldn't let us go to London and see a show or anything because we had to stay with her at home'.

Just tell her you'll come on your terms or not at all. She'll change her tune sharpish.

She’s in her 80’s. S in ill health! Need I say more?!

I think granny sounds rotten, and you sound like you are going above and beyond. You wanted to do something else for your holiday, and she is using power and guilt to get you over again, on her terms. Sounds like you would be better with no contact, if fact, I wonder why you moved away to a different continent in the first place? Escaping what sounds as if it could be a toxic relationship could have been a factor in favour?
Relatives get more demanding as they get older, IME. And if they are slightly controlling at the start, they are hardly going to get easier.
I hate all this 'might be dead this time next year' stuff. So could we all. This can be dangled over you for decades. Do what you want to do.
Personally, I'd be tempted to go to Queensland.