My mum and her criteria

[southernharp]

Bear with me. This might be a bit long. I live down under and my mum is in the uk. I am her only child and my dad died 7 years ago. She can be a difficult character- dogmatic and opinionated. I have two kids and am fairly recently separated from my H . It has been a very difficult road for me over the last year.

My mum, who is 80, has been pretty unwell over the last year (illness has not improved her temperament, just the same) and last Easter she paid for the flights for me and the kids to travel to the uk for a visit. I paid for all the other stuff, such as uk travel, groceries, trips out and I did all the cooking and laundry. We had a lovely time, although I did have to do a lot of ignoring and smiling. The kids love their granny though and had a ball. As part of the trip I caught up with old friends. I had a night at the beginning with a friend who picked us up at Heathrow before we got a train to my mums the next day and then I had 12 nights with my mum. I came back to London for 3 nights and the kids and I had an amazing time together sightseeing and I also caught up with school friends for a night and finally I had two nights with my Friend who picked us up from Heathrow and she arranged for a group of my uni friends to join us. My mum was a bit pissy about these arrangements.

I asked Mum to visit us this year, but her illness has got worse and she cant travel. So we are discussing going again. Again she has offered to pay for the flights and I will pick up the other expenses. This time I will need to take some leave without pay too - not much, but a few days. She is trying to dictate that I don't send any time anywhere except with her. Not see any friends or go anywhere else with the kids. So far I have said nothing, but obviously I really want to see my friends - it was so lovely to see them last year and I miss them so much. Also my kids had a crazy good time with me in London and it was lovely to share this with them after such a stressful time for all three of us. They are really keen to revisit some places and to go to other places. If I were paying for the flights I would put my foot down - but I am not. However my mum seems to think she is 'giving me a free trip' (it's not free- I pay for loads) and so she can pull the strings. I am tempted to nod and agree and just not tell her about a couple of nights in London and a couple of nights with my friends. Any advice?

Make the most of it. One day they'll think of you as you think of your mum. Sooner than you think.

I doubt it - she sounds great - the exact opposite of the fun-sucking that you appear to be keen on.

It sounds like your mum is lonely and doesn't feel secure in her relationship with you, so feels she has to resort to manipulation. Which is partially understandable, bearing in mind the distance between you, both physical and perhaps emotional, from the way you describe her.

I can imagine my mum saying a very similar thing. I don't respond well to threats in reality though, and would probably just cancel the trip, so don't do what I would! I think the best thing to do is to gently reassure her, and keep her informed of your plans so she feels included. If she understands that you're still planning to be with her for most of the time, and the people you're seeing are very close friends, it might be easier for her to swallow, and not feel abandoned. Good luck OP!

And ignore that weird post upthread, some people clearly think they own family members and can pay for them to do their bidding. Very strange attitude!

When I was in your position (parents paid for flights, then felt jealous of any time i spent elsewhere) I just didn't tell them about what else I was doing. They (thought they) were happy, I was happy. Now, looking back from the other end of my life, I wish I had called their bluff and said that I couldn't accept the flights under those conditions.

Do whatever you have to do, but don't just visit her without the time with your friends. Enjoy.

p.s. the bliss for me of living close enough to drive over for lunch, and then go home again.

I am thinking I won't tell her. Just claim my flight home is earlier than the reality

Yes, do this. I don't think you're horrible or selfish at all. I couldn't spend more than two nights with my mother.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all. It makes the trip so much nicer for you and is wonderful for your kids.

Spending time with your friends doesn't cost your mum any more money does it? I wouldn't pay any of the flight - it's a huge thing to come nad visit from Aus and as you said, you have loads of expenses already.

Can you call her bluff? Or maybe book the flights with her money and then tell her? It seems a shame to not let the kids look forward to the London bit.

And staying with your friend when you land and before you leave is just 100% sensible. Best of luck with it all.

I really don't think you can claim you had to pay so much of the trip yourself. A holiday within that was your choice, food you'd have bought anyway (how much extra for an 80yo?), eating out and trips out - again, your choice.

The only real unavoidable additional cost to you was train fares from the airport to her home.

I think a reasonable parent would be delighted you'd seen your friends. But also I think it's reasonable to be quietly disappointed that despite paying for the flights, you didn't spend much time with her.

I wouldn't take her position - but I understand it.

I don't think you should lie and take her money. I think it's time to put your foot down and be honest and say you won't come to the UK and not see them. And let her choose - to not pay, or to ask for a contribution.

You are definitely not awful but your mum sounds as if she is!
she thinks she owns you doesn't she

She seems to feel that the fact that she has bought your tickets means that she has paid for the use of you during the time you are here
as if you're a piece of equipment that she has paid to hire

Definitely go and see your friends. I also live in a different country and an important part of coming back is to keep up friendships and to visit places that remind you of where you come from. You are also sharing your heritage with your children, which is important for them.

Paying for your flights does not mean your mother now owns you, no matter what she may think about that. If it were me, I would probably just tell her that, and say I am not coming if she is going to try to control me in the manner. My mother can be a bit like yours but not quite to the same extent. I find a blunt response usually jerks her back to reason. If that doesn't work with yours, then I think the plan of just not telling her when you leave sounds good.

I often cover the costs of travel when my daughter visits me I'm always happy that she spends time reconnecting with friends while she's here because relationships with friends are very important

there are things that you share with your peers that you just can't really share with your parents
Friends can understand you and validate you in ways that parents aren't really able to

What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Don’t tell your kids your real leaving date. Tell everyone your flight home is 4 days earlier than it is. If she’s difficult about it then just say you took as much time off work as you could. Lock all social media down. In fact, deactivate it all so you don’t get caught out by a friend of a friend bumping into your mum and dropping you in it. Even get “fake” tickets printed up with the fake date just in case she snoops. Don’t give her flight numbers. Don’t give her any info that she can double check.

Obviously I am very grateful that she has offered to pay for flights as the kids were pretty disappointed about their granny not coming to see them. But another trip to the uk so soon was not on my radar and I certainly couldn't afford the flights myself. However, I could have afforded a trip to tropical Queensland and that was what I was planning for myself and the kids this year. I'll use that money for the Uk trip now.

My relationship with my kids is quite different to that I had with my Mum as a child/ young teenager. No doubt I will be an increasing embarrassment, but we all loved spending time together last time we were in the uk and the kids really enjoyed the time with my friends and their children. They said that they have never seen me laugh as much and they loved all the uni stories and banter. I think they understand me better as a result and they both now would both like to go to uni.

Even get “fake” tickets printed up with the fake

All the ruses to avoid her knowing the truth are all the actions of someone without power, like a young child. You have a lot of the power in this situation, she is trying to get it back off you buy paying for the tickets and then setting conditions.

You are an adult here, think how you will feel if you lie and get found out, it will be like being a child again, as she tells you how disappointed she is(at best) or she berates you as an ungrateful child. Horrible for you, and your children and for what. Honesty is the best policy.

I could have afforded a trip to tropical Queensland

There you go, you can honesty say you would be happy to visit her in the UK, grateful if she is prepared to offer tickets but you cannot accept the tickets with her conditions.

Her choice, you feel good whatever the outcome and you are showing your children how to deal with adults, not involving them in deception. All the best.

Your plan sounds perfect & you've nothing to feel guilty about, your mum pushing you into lying in an attempt to keep her happy. Being happy seeing your friends should make your mum happy too, don't feel bad.

As with most people in the 40s whose parents are still alive and in a position to help them out financially, you are pretty selfish.

Her money, her conditions. You don't like It, get a better job, or economies, so you can pay for it yourself.

As a pp said, in probably 10 years or less you'll have your inheritance to spend on flights to and from the UK to catch up with your uni friends

economise

Would she come to London with you all for a few days? Rent an apartment or whatever and meet up with your friends for lunch but she would still be spending time with you and the kids outside of that?

You mention she has been ill but also that she is not a frail old lady. she may be frailer then you think, my brother who lives abroad had no idea how unwell my mother was because she always put the best foot forward when the visited, he still though she had the energy of a 60 year old because that is what he remembered. Could she be keeping some information about her illness from you? Who supports her with hospital visits etc?

Don't lie or make stuff up just to avoid an awkward conversation. Teach the kids that you face up to stuff.

You want to come to the UK, see your mum for a bit and go off and enjoy yourself for a bit.

Your mum will pay the lion's share of the travel. She wants you to go see her and enjoy yourself in her company.

You need to compromise. She needs to know that she does not "own" your time just because she paid for you to be there. BUT... You need to make her feel valued, like she is not second best - because that truly is how it is coming across here... that you want to come over, but don't really want to be with her, that all the fun is with friends. You sound like you begrudge spending time in her company - and that probably shows - which is causing her to make demands.

Get a better job? You can't possibly know what you are talking about. I am at the top of the scale in socially useful job. If by better, you mean better paid, then that is not available to me. I have an extra job to top up the money since my H buggered off and left me with the lions share of the expense of raising children. My mum has offered to pay for the flights. I have not suggested it. I will end up doing a lot of smiling and ignoring in her company. This is what she wants and what my children want. And I am selfish how exactly?

Pay your own flights so you are not "beholden" to her

And for the sake of clarity, actually I don't want to come to the uk especially. But I do want to support my mum despite our strained relationship. However, I don't want to be controlled, nor told that I cant see my old friends for a couple of nights, nor give my children a treat.

10 things - I don't have the $$ to pay for the flights. If I did I would pay. I am on my own with my kids. I have a job that is not famed for being well paid. Please read what I have written.

This is a thread worthy of aibu, with all the deliberate faux-misunderstanding of the op, the judgement, the ridiculously simplistic solutions (just pay/get a better job ) and the assumption that there must be more to the story.

Typical Mumsnet these days [sigh]

I think BeyondthePage's advice is good - don't lie to her, be up front and tell her how long you can see her for and see if she is ok with that. Then organise the other bits of your holiday. If she isn't happy, she can refuse to pay; then you will know where you stand.

OP, you're definitely not awful at all. Your points sound perfectly reasonable. Your mother however sounds pretty difficult; as if she's holding you to ransom, she paid for the flights therefore she claims full ownership of you, your children and all of your time.

Presents/gifts are not supposed to have conditions. She is giving you a gift by purchasing the flights. That doesn't give her the right to expect you are with her 100% of the time you're in the UK.

Sorry to hear that you didn't get the support you deserved from her when your relationship broke down. Based on what you've written about her and the way she's behaving about this trip, I'm not surprised.