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Original poster

Paranoid or reason to be concerned - OW

35 replies

desperatesux · 12/01/2018 20:28

First time poster, don't know if I am going crazy or real reason to be concerned
Been with OH for close to 20 years, three kids. Both close to 50. He looks very young and is very wealthy just for context

About 18 months ago on the way to a conference he went to the glasses shop in the airport. Got chatting to one of the girls and tennis came up and she mentioned that she had played college tennis but wasn’t in a club over here. (She is from foreign)
He gave her his card and said to contact him if she wanted play and he would bring her to hisclub etc (apparently getting to play people of that standard is not easy as you would have to pay the coaches there etc)

She contacted him a number of weeks later and he met her in at the club (expensive and exclusive), played and dropped her back into town. I was never told about any of this. She mentioned she was looking for a job in the finance world and he was giving her advise on setting up a Linkedln in profile etc Also spoke to the coaches in the club about getting her in (sometimes they would offer free subs or reduced ones to v good players) and also spoke to his brother about getting her into his club – don’t think anything came of either. He might have played again but contact waned and in March when he was going away again he popped in again there, met her again and bought different type of sunglasses this time. More contact, tennis was arranged in June and he offered to collect her from her house if it was easier (which it was, played and dropped her home after something to eat at the club which he paid for) Some texts about the glasses and then he texted her while we were on holidays in her home country to say how hot it was and she was advising about food. These are the only texts I could see (others may be deleted) and it seemed to be that you were initiating contact

He then texted her to say happy xmas and hoped to get her out for a game in 2018
She is about 24-25 and absolutely stunning

I never knew any of this until I checked his phone
He says he told me he was playing with this ex college player and I didn’t seem interested so you didn’t talk more about it. One of the times he played her I and the kids were away and he collected her from her house and dropped he home
He swears it is all innocent and I believe nothing happened as she has a boyfriend but I find the behaviour odd in the extreme and if she didn't have a boyfriend and was open to something who knows.
Am I being crazy, he says it was all about the tennis and had no interest in her whatsoever

OP posts:
PenelopeStoppit · 12/01/2018 20:43

There is reason to be concerned because he hid it from you, although I doubt he has actually done anything but it seems the intention may well have been there. Has he ever done anything like this in the past? Why were you checking his phone? What is your relationship like in general and do you trust him?

rainbowduck · 12/01/2018 20:43

No advice BUT Did you cut and paste this from a message that you sent him? It doesn't read quite right?

RogueBiscuit · 12/01/2018 20:45

Am I being crazy, he says it was all about the tennis and had no interest in her whatsoever

I'm sorry, I wouldn't believe a word of this. Would he have gone to the same trouble for a fifty year old man?

Original poster
desperatesux · 12/01/2018 21:03

Sorry its a bit garbled
Relationship was ok, ups and downs. I just had an uneasy feeling for a good while now, that he had lost a bit of interest

I don't think anything happened and he said he told me he was playing an ex college player but he plays loads of people so I took no notice. He never told me how they met or that she was a total stranger, if I knew I would have had a fit.
The worst thing is when we met I was considered to be v beautiful and I worked at his company and made him millions when I could have had my own career. Now my looks have faded and the chances of a career independently are over really without starting at the bottom.
He picks this moment to go sniffing around some 25 year old

OP posts:
rainbowduck · 12/01/2018 21:11

I would start to get my ducks in a row and discreetly keep an eye on him...

PenelopeStoppit · 12/01/2018 21:53

Flirting with a young woman to stroke his ego, which is natural but which he has taken too far. What do you want to happen now?

Original poster
desperatesux · 12/01/2018 21:59

I love him but I feel I can somewhat compete now or start over, in 10 years time I won't be able to if he does it again or takes it further

He thinks I am completely over reacting which makes things worse.

OP posts:
PenelopeStoppit · 12/01/2018 22:11

You didn't explain why you were searching his phone. Can I also ask why you never married? Can't he give you a foot up with restarting your career? He seemed happy to help a stranger so he should be more than happy to help you! Of course he thinks you are over reacting.

Wherearemymarbles · 12/01/2018 22:17

So he is a high flyer and confident and has the money to do what he wants.

Sadly I have many clients like this and they tend to do what they want. I doubt the fact she has a boyfriend worries either of them.

If he was only ever interested in you for your looks your days were numbered from the start im afraid and how so you know she’s the 1st 25 year old je has been smiffing around?

Gemini69 · 12/01/2018 22:22

he's making an arse of himself.. and she's using him for his contacts and potential wealthy connections... Flowers

Merryoldgoat · 12/01/2018 23:12

Are you married to him OP?

BackInTheRoom · 13/01/2018 09:24

@desperatesux

Have either of you been married before?

Original poster
desperatesux · 13/01/2018 09:33

Neither of us have been married. At the start it didn’t seem important and by the time I wanted to he didn’t really or brushed it off- never the right time. He isn’t a high flyer in the traditional sense, not the man about town. V wealthy but I made him most of his money. I essentially ran a business within his business which was the most profitable part. Stupidly I thought we were working towards something together but everything is in his name. It’s like i suddenly woke up and realised how vulnerable I was and got an uneasy feeling. I don’t think he would screw me financially but it wouldn’t be 50 50 either of we were to break up. He absolutely doesn’t want to break up .. now but in another 10 years when he still looks great who knows

OP posts:
Purplerain101 · 13/01/2018 09:34

I wouldn’t be ok with this at all. He should have told you about her if it’s 100% innocent. Although I do also kind of get that som people hide these sorts of things even when they are totally innocent as they can see how it might look and they don’t want to make their partner feel insecure.
Im guessing he gives you reasons other than this not to trust him or you wouldn’t be looking through his phone like that.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 13/01/2018 14:15

Personally I'd be having a very serious conversation with him regarding the part you played in the profits his business gained-I may be inclined to discuss my position with a solicitor beforehand though to get an idea where you may or may not stand.
As for the young woman, it's far from innocent or he would have told you about his involvement with her-also agree he wouldn't have gone to such lengths for a man.

Dadaist · 13/01/2018 15:17

Well it’s kinda obvious that this has been a bit of a guilty ego trip for him. It doesn’t sound like anything has happened - and unlikely to, at least on her part. So - midlife fears and insecurities about being past it, wanting to feel good about himself by indulging in a rather immature connection.
He needs to face up to this - and see that however embarrassing the truth is, he has breached trust and been selfish to get some kind of thrill of showing off to a much younger woman. To be honest, the fact that there is such an age gap makes this look more like midlife crisis than danger that he is at huge risk of seeking out an affair. But had she reciprocated his obvious interest (there are young women who might) then he would be confronted with the question he hasn’t yet addressed - what the hell are you playing at?
Some tough talking is needed but you have every right to feel concerned and hurt. But then it may also provide an opportunity to reassess and overhaul things in your marriage? He doesn’t want to break up - and in ten years he’ll be in his sixties, so focus on now not what might be in the future. What do you want, what do you feel?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/01/2018 15:24

At the very least it’s a wake call you needed to relaise how vulnerable your situation is.

Hmmm, who knows but I’d be asking him to stop seeing her. Tell him she must see him as a father figure bit that’s enough of that.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2018 16:18

Start getting financially independent for your own good.

Nobody can predict the future and you could end up financially screwed.

Original poster
desperatesux · 14/01/2018 14:17

I’m tempted to ring her, I have her number from her phone. I don’t think I will have any peace until I do as he is adamantly sticking to his story and is pissed off with me bringing it up as we have been over and over it. My friend thinks there is a possibility he is keeping me sweet as he doesn’t want me to leave his company. If I did years ago it would have been terminal for the company not now but still a huge blow..

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 14/01/2018 15:10

Can't you show up at one of their matches in the sports club?

Original poster
desperatesux · 14/01/2018 15:56

He has said he won’t play her any more but it’s not the fact something might have happened, more his intent. Doubt he would have been so bold to make an obvious move but if she did he would have gone for it. Hanging on in there until there boyfriend was gone. I suppose I want to check has he lied about anything and if he ever suggested drinks etc

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/01/2018 16:09

I don’t think I will have any peace until I do

You won't get peace anyway; she owes you nothing and you have no way of knowing if she'd tell you the truth. She could say nothing is going on and be telling the truth; or she could be covering for him. Equally, she could say something has been going on in an attempt to split you up; or because it genuinely has. You just don't know. You don't know her or her motives.

I'd take some serious steps to make yourself less vulnerable now. Even if this has gone no further; he's showed that he's the type to get his head turned by pretty young women, and your situation does not seem secure.

With him; all you can do is talk to him, and either believe him, or leave. You can keep an eye, of course, but if you don't believe him or trust him, your relationship is likely to deteriorate anyway.

Blackteadrinker77 · 14/01/2018 16:20

I can't see what he has done wrong here.

What am I missing?

He says he told you and you dismissed it and didn't listen.

ChickenMom · 14/01/2018 16:30

Regardless of this OW and what you decide to do next, you need to start seeing massive red flags. You have been with him 20 years and not married. You have left yourself in a very precarious situation and need to start sorting this out. Is any of the property in your name? Is your name on the house you live in? Please god say it is!! If not then you really need to stop fixating time and energy on this OW and go see a good solicitor ASAP. Like tomorrow and get good advice on what your situation is and what you need to protect yourself. Do you have liquid assets? Have you got money in any bank accounts in your name. Christ. Why have you allowed yourself to get like this!!? Please any woman reading this DO NOT just live with a bloke and have kids and give up everything and means to earn money without insisting on being married first. Please OP. Start emailing solicitors in your area now

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2018 16:36

Dont contact her, she will just follow his line and he will be embarassed by your behaviour, particularly if it's innocent.

However, yeah, I get you, he's very likely sniffing round a 25 year old. No two ways about it. I doubt he'd be doing this with a 25 year old guy who sold him sunglasses.