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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you think that a lot of men have issues with being challenged

37 replies

purplebat · 12/01/2018 12:38

...by women in their relationships?
Personal experience, friends' stories and threads on mumsnet have really hit home about how some men really do not like women bringing up issues they have with their behaviours, things they may have done that have upset them and just try to completely minimise what happened.
And I'm not talking about exclusively abusive men, or talking about bringing up issues in a hugely confrontational or aggressive way. I'm talking about simply pointing out that something they did was not okay with you, cue gaslighting, defensiveness, saying you are over sensitive, minimising what they did or point black denying it. And they often throw it right back in your face and bring up something you've done to make you feel bad. Is it purely ego? Is it that some men really think women should put up and shut up?

Just wondered what others' thoughts were...

OP posts:
Original poster
purplebat · 12/01/2018 12:39

that should read: point blank *

OP posts:
Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 12:41

No more so than women in my experience. I've probably come across a 50/50 mix of men who have issues with being challenged.

NonplussedwithFB · 12/01/2018 12:41

Definitely. Without a doubt. Even a really lovely man, who is described by his ex's as 'a good man', had just done this to me when I called him on a lie.Hegemonic masculinity at its finest!

NonplussedwithFB · 12/01/2018 12:43

guitar the woman I know are much more open to holding up their hands and say 'I got it wrong. I was a dick' in fact I just had a conversation with a 72 year old woman today, who had an affair 25 years in to her 50 year marriage, she admitted she had just been selfish and bored. Didn't place the blame at her DH's door.

Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 12:46

Can't say I've experienced that luckily. I've obviously been lucky with the men I've met in my life!

Original poster
purplebat · 12/01/2018 12:47

nonplussed yes!!! It's so strange how they just switch up! It's very disheartening when everything is going well and then this side of their personality comes out.

OP posts:
Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 12:48

I say lucky, not always. A partner cheated on me but he held his hands up and admitted he was wrong. Never once blamed me.

Original poster
purplebat · 12/01/2018 12:50

red guitar I'm glad you haven't, glad to know there are some good ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplebat · 12/01/2018 12:51

red guitar ah posted too soon. but yes, good they were honest

OP posts:
DerelictWreck · 12/01/2018 12:55

I think across the board yes absolutely. Men are privileged, and privilege breeds entitlement and inclusion.

When you're included in everything, and have been taught that you are entitled to this, and to achieve certain things, then being pulled up for behavior or challenged will never go down well.

In my experience, only men who accept that they are privileged and entitled can have honest and productive conversations. This isn't exclusive to men, but to all people of privilege - white people can't have a constructive discussion on race unless they recognize their privilege and entitlement.

Original poster
purplebat · 12/01/2018 13:11

derelict that's an interesting way of looking at it.

OP posts:
piinkbubbles · 12/01/2018 14:09

I have definitely experienced this. The one word that sums up my controlling, abusive ex is entitled.

Derelict worded really well my thoughts on the subject.

Situp · 12/01/2018 14:11

I have to admit that DH is far better at taking on board criticism and challenges to his understanding of things than his wife is Blush

Anymajordude · 12/01/2018 16:33

This is absolutely true in my experience. DH gets really defensive and aggressive when pulled up on something minor. He has no problem pulling me up on stuff but I barely react to it. Sometimes he apologises afterwards. Drives me mad.

ClaryFray · 12/01/2018 16:52

Some people don't like being challenged. They can't take criticism ad find it hard to hear the negative about them.

Here I fixed the sexism for you.

NotTheFordType · 12/01/2018 17:41

Derelict absolutely took the words out of my mouth.

I've worked for a long time in managing people. Giving people feedback on what they need to improve on is, IME, much more badly received by male members of staff.

Additionally, some of those men will react more negatively when the feedback is delivered by a woman.

LemonShark · 12/01/2018 17:43

No different between men and women in my experience. You can't possibly say this broadly, when so much depends on personality, context, what the feedback is, who it's from and so forth. This isn't a gendered issue in my experience.

TakeTheCrown · 12/01/2018 17:44

Yes, I've been quite surprised at how adamant some men are that they are right and I must be wrong, and when represented with evidence they either pretend not to see it or get angry. Mind you, one of the worst people for being that way is my DM...

Barmymammy · 12/01/2018 17:44

In my experience men do have a problem with being challenged, most definitely. We still live in a man's world and have a long way to go.

StormTreader · 12/01/2018 17:45

Society teaches women to care, and men to win. Thats the difference.

Assburgers · 12/01/2018 19:45

I was thinking about something similar today. A male client has done some work for us, that his female colleague normally does. It's not right at all so I spent ages putting together an email that wouldn't hurt his feelings but would make clear the changes we needed. Then it occurred to me I would never do this if it were a woman I was writing to.

As soon as I realised what I was doing I tried to work out why, but I don't know. I guess I do feel that men take criticism badly. I guess this has been my experience so far.

Heatherjayne1972 · 12/01/2018 20:07

Oh yeah. My marriage broke down and it was all my fault

He’s always right and even if he’s wrong he’s still right still the ‘winner’
I ‘deserved’ the violence and verbal abuse
Meanwhile his marriage was perfect and ‘ no sane person would ever want to leave him’

NewMinouMinou · 13/01/2018 00:07

Yes to Derelict!

Fitbitironic · 13/01/2018 00:54

Absolutely. Dh is meant to be one of the good guys, in fact a lot of ppl who don't know the details of our past relationship (and his behaviour within it) think he's great. He hates being seen as wrong about anything though mainly only if I or my family disagree (will google anything you disagree with him on). Having said that, he looks up stuff so he can back up his views on social media. It's very tedious.
He did some shitty things over the years which have recently had an impact on our relationship. If I challenge him on any aspect of it he gets aggressive, defensive and tries to turn it back on me. Told me this morning he doesn't think it can be fixed, he doesn't care anymore. Yet I'm trying to deal with a situation of his making - he doesn't have the patience or emotional intelligence to work through it if I challenge him on anything. I think this attribute has damaged our relationship more than the original shitty behavior tbh.

christmaswreaths · 13/01/2018 08:53

Not my experience at all, but I am.quite a fierce character and have always gone for quiet, reflective, sensitive men.

I hate being challenged, probably because I am insecure, but with maturity I have got much better at reflecting on my weaknesses and behaviours. Maturity plays a part I think.