Do you think that a lot of men have issues with being challenged

[purplebat]

...by women in their relationships?
Personal experience, friends' stories and threads on mumsnet have really hit home about how some men really do not like women bringing up issues they have with their behaviours, things they may have done that have upset them and just try to completely minimise what happened.
And I'm not talking about exclusively abusive men, or talking about bringing up issues in a hugely confrontational or aggressive way. I'm talking about simply pointing out that something they did was not okay with you, cue gaslighting, defensiveness, saying you are over sensitive, minimising what they did or point black denying it. And they often throw it right back in your face and bring up something you've done to make you feel bad. Is it purely ego? Is it that some men really think women should put up and shut up?

Just wondered what others' thoughts were...

Maybe it depends on how it's done? I'm fine with a 'this is what's wrong, this is how it could be done better, but generally you are great' messages, but when someone starts on 'you did this, you should have done this, you are crap, why did you do that, you should have known better!' I get defensive. Yes, men do seem more prone to gaslight and defend, but, in my experience. that's because I say 'you should be doing this' to men far more than I do to women...

Yes, men do seem more prone to gaslight and defend, but, in my experience. that's because I say 'you should be doing this' to men far more than I do to women...

And in my experience that's because the women just get on and do stuff, whereas the man won't do something unless asked to...

Yes. Completely.

I was in a seemingly great marriage. Blended family with 5 DCs in total (one was ours). We'd managed to get through a lot of shit times, and our relationship seemed to just get stronger.

He liked porn, and lied about it. It was not insurmountable, until the day I arrived home with the kids to find him streaming porn. Downstairs, on his phone, which was hanging out of his pocket.
I removed the phone to a high surface. No fuss in front of the kids, who luckily had not seen it.
Upon confronting him later, he started to gaslight me. I knew what I had seen!
He finally confessed, but refused to own the issue and discuss how his behaviour needed to change. Too embarrassed, apparently.
He repeatedly swore undying love, but I needed him to address the elephant in the room.
I received a text at work to say that he had left. He refused to try fixing things, talking, joint counseling- anything.

The marriage ended because he couldn't face an issue he had caused. He wouldn't be alone with me at DC hand overs for months. Told everybody that I was batshit.

He'd said the exact same about all of his exes. He'd also left them in a very similar way - one just before a wedding.
It messed the kids up so much. I fared better, luckily.

My dp does this all the time whenever I try& challenge him on anything!
He's always right I'm always wrong& he'll say Google it!if I'm proved right he never apologises.just goes hmmph!
He won't sit down&talk about anything serious if say I wanna talk about our relationship etc.he'll either put me off or if that doesn't work he just talks over me/shouts though he says he's not&/or throws it straight back at me!

I'd apply this to people. Some people are like this.
I think if the mumsnet population were equally men and women there'd be as many women in that group 😊

I'm female. I don't like being challenged. Who DOES like being challenged??

lljkk I'm female, I don't like being challenged either. But in comparison with dh, I don't get as defensive or aggressive when challenged, and am more likely to believe it's possible that I'm wrong, admit it, and accept that with good grace!

My DH goes a little further. Feels extremely at ease criticising me, ALL the time, about all things big and small, treating me like I’m a fucking child. Making me feel terrible & ashamed a lot of the time. Questioning my decisions, ect...Guess what happens if I dare point out something he’s done, hasn’t done. It’s WW3 and I’m left ripped to shreds emotionally. Serious name callibg, verbal attacks, indisgressions from years past pulled out....you name it. Even” if you werent so ...ect,ect...I wouldn’t do this/ that...ect,ect...Shame because it seriously puts me off what otherwise is a perfect man. Worst thing is, all the men in his family are exactly the same, his dad the worst by far, has completely controlled his DW through disapproval and taking extreme advantage of her ever so sweet and non-confrontational manner. It’s bloody awful to see. But I remember a conversation with her last year where ger friend had been a victim of EA and she had to leave and apparently it’s worse that DV, and wasn’t it awful, blah,blah,blah and I just sat shocked that she literally had NO idea she had been bullied and a victim of EA her whole married life. (53 years). I dispair.

Yes I do think some men have issues with being challenged but as I’m seeing from my current post, that could most definitely be to do with they way the challenging is executed

I can get defensive & very angry. Guess I should have been a bloke. (shrug)

OldBook
I think men are more likely to act out when deep down their shame alarm has been triggered, whereas this often makes women close in on themselves

That’s why perceived criticism or being called out on things makes them overreact - deep down they are ashamed. Maybe.

^ This is good, really good. I've seen it happen so much whether in my own relationships or even at work. I call it "Man Shame" or "Man Pride". To the point where I told a friend of mine, "Man Pride will get a man killed or wreck his credit". He just won't be able to admit he's wrong about something even to his own detriment, until it's too late.

This plus what Derelict said sum up my feelings really well.