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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife hit me. Need advice.

40 replies

Gingerfishpogo · 12/01/2018 08:49

Hi. Long story short.

Wife hit me several times a couple of days ago in an arguement. Am stunned and don't know what to do.

It's not the first time. She has hit me a couple of times before and purposely barged into me or opened doors hard into me but its not been systematic abuse and we have been together for a long time (over 10 years and have two sons).

I loved (love?) Her so much.

Am gutted and confused.

If it was a man hitting a woman I know most of the advice would be to leave.

I can barely look at her.
She wants to go for couples counselling.

Don't get me wrong. I am no angel and we have had some big arguement over the years but I have never hit her.

I know that most posters are female so am looking for female perspective and opinion.

I had drafted a huge post with all the history but opted not to post it for fear that I might be identified.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 12/01/2018 08:51

I don't know why you specifically need a female perspective.

Your partner abuses you. Leave.

Your gender, her gender, our gender, has nothing to do with it.

CobaltRose96 · 12/01/2018 08:53

I'll tell you the same thing I'd tell a woman in your situation.

Leave. The fact she has hit you in the past is gravely concerning. It is not normal in the context of a loving relationship and you should not put up with it.

So sorry you're going through this Sad

ILookedintheWater · 12/01/2018 08:53

It has become a pattern. When angry your partner is physically abusive. Take your children and leave.

WhyFy · 12/01/2018 08:55

Contact the police.

Tell her to leave.

Children stay with you for now until supervised access can be arranged.

It's not couples counselling that is required. That implies you're partly to blame for her hitting you. She needs anger management.

Purplerain101 · 12/01/2018 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/01/2018 08:56

The only amount of abuse that is acceptable in any relationship is NONE!!!
It's that simple.
Or it should be, I know it's not.
With DC involved it's much harder.
Do NOT have joint counselling with an abuser.
It is NEVER recommended and any good counsellor won't allow it anyway.
SHE needs some counselling on her own and she needs it fast!
YOU need to leave this awful situation.
She needs to understand there are consequences to her actions.
If you just stay and stay of course she won't change her behaviour.
Why would she? It works for her and you let her keep doing it.
Leave and don't look back!

Glitterandunicorns · 12/01/2018 08:56

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. As with any person in a violent relationship, I'd advise you to leave with your children.
From what I understand, it's not recommended to go for joint counselling when one partner is abusive to the other.
I hope you're able to make a safe new life for you and your children. Best of luck, OP.

ShatnersWig · 12/01/2018 08:57

Actually, I posted too quickly. I absolutely should give the same advice I would give to a woman. I forgot about the children. You have two options:

a) You leave the house and take the children with you
b) She leaves the house and the children remain with you

Greensleeves · 12/01/2018 08:58

I think you need to leave her Sad. You need to be safe and violence is never acceptable. I don't think gender is relevant here.

So sorry you're going through this Flowers

user1493413286 · 12/01/2018 09:00

Whether it’s from a man or woman once abuse starts it rarely stops and couple counselling won’t help her issues which are causing her to do this.
I’d really strongly urge you to get support from your friends and family and consider your future.

haba · 12/01/2018 09:00

Please, please leave- your children need to know that this is not acceptable in any way.
I hope you're ok.

AliceWhatsth3Matter · 12/01/2018 09:09

We would also always tell a woman in this situation to go to the police. She has assaulted you, on numerous occasions.

This is important for the children's sake, as you may have issues over contact or residency.

Also you will be able to get legal aid for divorce. This is not mercenary but practical. My divorce has cost me thousands and I'm on a low wage. I never reported to the police because I was afraid of my ex. Ironically.

Joysmum · 12/01/2018 11:01

The fact that this is a pattern of behaviour means this is abuse. The fact that you have drafted a long post detailing it (despite not posting it) corroborates this really is abuse despite your assertions otherwise.

It’s up to you whether you feel she is worth sticking with to see if she can change. If you did you’d need very clear boundaries and to be honest with yourself and not minimise as you have been. Minimising is normal by the way for all sorts of reasons so that won’t be easy.

I guess the fact that she realises there is an issue and wants counselling is a positive but is that motivated by a genuine acknowledgement she’s abussive or just doing the minimum to get you to stay? Either way the general advice is never to have joint counselling with someone who is abussive.

My advice is no different because you’re a man and the abussive partner is a woman. If you think there is hope, I’d deprecate and only return to the relationship once she’s proven she’s getting help and that is working. Don’t do it the other way around and stay until she’s proven she isn’t changing.

StormTreader · 12/01/2018 11:05

Couples counselling isnt recommended where one partner is abusive. Have you ever had counselling just for yourself?

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/01/2018 11:11

I would echo everyone else. Don't go to couples counselling, she needs to go to counselling alone and look at anger management.

Don't leave your children, either you leave with them or she leaves on her own for now.

If you want to talk to someone straight away there is an organisation called Men's Advice Line:

0808 801 0327 or email [email protected]
Opening hours: Monday-Friday 10am-1pm and 2-5pm
The Men’s Advice Line provides a range of services aimed primarily at men experiencing domestic abuse from their partner.

rocketgirl22 · 12/01/2018 11:12

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is absolutely unacceptable for her to hit you. It is not a one off but a pattern of abuse and you now need to get your finances in order. Work out whom you can trust to confide in quietly and leave.

Are yours sons safe with her? Is she abusive to them?

She needs help with her anger, she can attend anger management classes and have some counselling herself. This is for the sake of your ds more than anything.

Take legal advice before leaving, ensure your accounts are water tight and if you can possibly record or photograph any injuries. A record of what has happened may protect you from issues arising later.

If you have had medical attention now is the time to be honest with them about how it happened, you can get some support for domestic violence. Consider contacting the police.

I have lost my temper once or twice in arguments, really lost it, but have never hit my husband, and never would. It is abuse.

BattleCuntGalactica · 12/01/2018 11:16

I'll give you the same answer as I would for anyone being abused - you leave, or you make them leave. It's hard when you're in love, they offer to get counselling etc, but the first step you need to take is for one of you to be removed from the situation. If she rescinds the intention to go to counselling after one of you leaves, then you know she didn't mean it and it was said purely to manipulate you into staying or having her thrown out.

Yes it will be painful, but this is dangerous. Do yourself a favour and get out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2018 11:18

How bloody typical to see victim blaming on the first page "maybe she felt threatened, have you been cheating". For fucks sake.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not acceptable. You don't deserve it. It's incredibly toxic to have children in an environment where one parent assaults another. They deserve more.

What would you do if someone on the street or in a pub hit you?

There is no excuse for violence and you aren't safe staying there. Neither are your children.

AliceWhatsth3Matter · 12/01/2018 11:31

I noticed the victim blaming too AnneLovesGilbert. Why do people do this? It must put so many people off getting help. Most abuse victims get plenty of blaming from the perpetrator- "You made me do it", "If you only did I wouldn't be driven to treat you like this".

I second not going to couples counselling with an abuser. Abusers abuse and counselling gives them another opportunity.

Littlechocola · 12/01/2018 11:35

No matter what gender you are or she is my advice would be the same... Leave the bastard.

It’s never okay.

Littlechocola · 12/01/2018 11:37

Purplerain101 Reported your comment.

EveningShadows · 12/01/2018 11:40

Another one furious at PurpleRain’s comment Angry.

OP, please contact the police. My brother was abusers by his girlfriend for several months until he called the police. They were amazing and so sympathetic. Don’t suffer in silence.

CobaltRose96 · 12/01/2018 12:40

Yup, PurpleRain's comment infuriated me too. Would they ask the same questions of a woman who had been hit by a man? I doubt it. I'm so bloody sick of victim blaming. NO ONE should be hit.

Lalimerente · 12/01/2018 12:47

Agree this is abuse and should not stay . Good luck op

Purplerain101 · 12/01/2018 14:31

Eh? I asked the question because I was trying to establish whether that’s what she would try and use as an excuse for her behaviour. I then said straight after it that there’s no excuse to ever hit anyone unless it was in self defence and he should leave her. I’m sorry if my post wasn’t clear but I certainly wasn’t trying to victim blame