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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife hit me. Need advice.

40 replies

Gingerfishpogo · 12/01/2018 08:49

Hi. Long story short.

Wife hit me several times a couple of days ago in an arguement. Am stunned and don't know what to do.

It's not the first time. She has hit me a couple of times before and purposely barged into me or opened doors hard into me but its not been systematic abuse and we have been together for a long time (over 10 years and have two sons).

I loved (love?) Her so much.

Am gutted and confused.

If it was a man hitting a woman I know most of the advice would be to leave.

I can barely look at her.
She wants to go for couples counselling.

Don't get me wrong. I am no angel and we have had some big arguement over the years but I have never hit her.

I know that most posters are female so am looking for female perspective and opinion.

I had drafted a huge post with all the history but opted not to post it for fear that I might be identified.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerfishpogo · 12/01/2018 14:41

Purplerain101

I wasn't offended by your question so no worries from me.

Just to clarify I have not cheated (in all I years together I have never looked at her mail, pay slip, phone, email, anything because I trusted her) nor have I ever threatened her.

It was an arguement about work schedules.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 12/01/2018 14:44

You should do what women would be advised to do.

Report it to the police.

Purplerain101 · 12/01/2018 14:45

Thanks gingerfish. I only asked as often when people are abusive they try and twist it around on the other person and say things like “I did it because he/she cheated” or “I did it because he/she was threatening me” as they want to justify their actions. That’s been my experience anyway.
To hit you over an argument over work schedules is crazy! Do you have anyone in your personal life you can confide in? I definitely think you need to start the process of leaving her as soon as possible

PeacefulBlessing · 12/01/2018 14:47

My advice would be the same, regardless of the sex of the abuser and abused.

Leave. I stayed and it escalates. It escalates not only because you have given them 'permission' to do it by staying, but because their contempt for you increases because you accepted it.

Ensure the children are protected. Do not leave the children with someone who hits when they are angry.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/01/2018 14:56

Same as most other posters; any form of violence is abuse and should not be tolerated, doesn't matter if the abuser is male or female.

Am very sorry this is happening to you, must be very upsetting.

Is asking her to move out an option (even if temporarily)? Am a bit worried that is she's hitting you, the children might be at risk if left with her?

Also suggest anger management counselling for her, she's the one with the problem.

And yes, report to the police. I know it might be a bit humiliating, but they have professionally trained officers you will be able to talk to, they will know that female-to-male domestic violence does occur. Good luck OP.

monkeywithacowface · 12/01/2018 14:58

It's a shit relationship time to leave

PeacefulBlessing · 12/01/2018 14:59

Were you expecting the advice to be different, Ginger?

Original poster
Gingerfishpogo · 12/01/2018 15:02

No. I figured that would be the advice and that is the advice I would give as well.

It's all a big mess.

OP posts:
Purplerain101 · 12/01/2018 15:06

Has she acknowledged that she’s done a really bad thing and needs help, or is she behaving like it’s not a big deal or like it never happened? Do you have the means to leave for the time being? Does she hit the kids?

Upshitcreeknopaddle · 12/01/2018 15:14

Agree with everything above.
If this had been a woman I would tell her to take the kids and leave or make him leave. At best until the man got anger management and even then doubtful whether I would advise going back.

So therefore I would give you the same advice.

gamerchick · 12/01/2018 15:20

Nobody should live in this kind of environment and kids least of all. You owe this to them not to live amongst parents who get physical.

FrancisUnderwood · 12/01/2018 15:23

Yes leave. Youre better than this.

Redglitter · 12/01/2018 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Halie · 12/01/2018 19:57

She's got not respect for you, no amount of relationship counselling will fix that.

Changedname3456 · 12/01/2018 20:13

Having been on the receiving end of abuse (like you, I’m a guy) and an absolutely couldn’t-give-a-fuck attitude by the Police (three interactions with Police - they really couldn’t have done more to minimise and shrug me off), I’d say three things:

  1. Tell her to leave. You hang on to the kids;
  2. Report it to the Police and insist they take it seriously. Don’t let them fuck you off because they will try their best to;
  3. Pull in Social Services - at the least, report the abuse to them. You may need to rely on them when custody is sorted out in the divorce.

Good luck. It’s a truly shitty position to be in but, as PP have said, if you let it slide then it’ll get worse and worse until you find she’s escalated to weapons.

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